Scars

I have been thinking a lot lately about scars. Visible ones, invisible ones, ones that slowly, with time become less visible, and yet are always there to remind us of something.  Some that have a date attached to it, that once every year, we are reminded of something that happened, good or bad, someone we lost, some victory we experienced or just something we celebrate. 

Some scars we received because we were young and dumb! or just the normal scars you get for being a kid. I have a lot of those! I have scars on my chin, my eye, my head and my wrist - all from just being a kid - or the sister of a brother who inflicted a couple of those scars! Over time, these scars lesson in visibility because of the way the body heals wounds, but they are almost always still visible.

We have scars from surgeries. The older we get, we begin to "fall apart" and often times need the invention of surgery to repair parts that have torn, bones that have broken, discs that have exploded - you name it. I have some of those too. When all is said and done, both of these types of scars will leave us changed forever. Either we will always have a scar that has marred our physical appearance, or because of a needed surgery, out body will never be the same - because what God originally made has had to be altered in some way physically. It just doesn't work the same. Trust me, I know!

There are also scars caused by just living life. We all have them. These are scars that can't be seen. They are invisible - mental or emotional scars. They are scars we can keep hidden from others. Pain that we can protect by keeping hidden. In order to really deal with them, however, we have to reveal them to others. We have to re-open a wound that we have been protecting or hiding, in order to eventually heal from them. This seems like a contradiction. In order to heal from a hidden wound, we must re-open it - allow it to bleed again, allow the air to hit it and be exposed for others to see it. We have to allow God's truth speak to those scars; both His Word and through people He uses to walk through life with us. 

This is where it gets messy too. All wounds are messy. I remember a few years ago trying to open a can of beans. My thumb was cut by the jagged edge of the can. It was a bloody mess. In order to get it to heal, I had to go to a Dr. and have her clean it and stitch it. The Dr. had to get involved in my mess in order to help the mess heal. In the same way, we have to get involved in other's mess, and allow them to be in our mess. We will get "bloody" in the process. But as we walk the path with someone, we also get to experience the power of the Holy Spirit, the power of prayer and the joys of being a part of the healing process. In turn, we are stronger. Stronger in our faith, stronger on our prayer lives, and more resilient in our ability to take on challenges.

The ability of the body to heal itself is amazing and in some ways, mysterious. In the same way, I see the healing of life's wounds just as mysterious, accept for this fact:  we have Jesus. How do we "heal" from the death of a loved one, a bad diagnosis, abuses, addictions, estranged friends or family members, divorce, etc. Time helps, but aside from Jesus, I have NO idea how anyone faces these kinds of things - without the hope that He brings, the love and care of those people He chooses to help walk through it with us, and the gift of the Holy Spirit - I couldn't do it.

Others need this hope - others need me - others need you - but ultimately, they need Jesus.

All wounds will leave us scarred. Some scars will be with us forever, and some will fade. This is my recent scar 

in time it will fade and not be visible at all, physically. But for now it is visible. I am no longer married as my husband has divorced me. I do not add this in here for anyone to feel sorry for me. I share it because it is life, it is a part of my life now. I also share it because God is still good. He is in the business of healing and using these scars to help others. I'm not ready yet for that. However, I know someday I will be. I also share this because there is a circle of trust and friends who got messy with me; who have and still are, loving me through it, praying me through it, encouraging me through it. Why? because it is what we do as followers of Christ - when we "sign up" to be authentic friends with others, we sign on for this - the good, the bad and the ugly/messy.

In the end we are a part of the scars of others as agents used of God to help heal the wounds.

Be an agent.

Insomnia

This is so me right now! (insert emoji) Drives me nuts! 

So here are some scientifically proven ways to help you sleep at night:

• Cool your room down - 64 degrees is best. THAT is what I'm talking about! I LOVE sleeping in a cold room. Not so sure Jack is a fan, but he will adjust.
• Hide your clock.  Yep I get that and need to do it. I am constantly looking at it.
• Wear socks to bed.  I have no idea who came up with this and it seems to contradict #1.  I am NOT about to do this one. I am breaking out in sweat just thinking about it.
• Scent your room with lavender.  I've heard this to be true.
• Immerse your face in very cold water for 30 seconds.  Assuming this is true, and you can hold your breath for 30 seconds, I can see how this might be helpful in cooling your body temp. down.
• Blow bubbles.  Hmmmm.....this is the most bazaar. I am picturing laying in bed dipping my bubble maker into bubbles and blowing bubbles, while Jack is barking - therefore ending my sleeping.

On a serious note, my church is addressing this topic for a few weeks. Some of these things are not new and seem very common sense to followers of Jesus. However, we still struggle with falling asleep at night......well, some of us anyway. I have a friend who is probably out by the time her head hits the pillow! Drives me crazy that she can sleep like that!  :)

Often, lack of peace, causes lack of sleep.  Attention drives emotion - what I give attention to will often drive how I feel about something, negatively or positively. This is often my problem at night. I replay things that have happened; I have quiet conversations in my head, often yelling or arguing with someone. I remember and think about difficult times or sad times in my life. Why? I don't know.....

Sometimes the difference between sleep and insomnia is perspective. How I see something; how I view a situation; how I choose to focus my attention. This is nothing new: we can focus around, in or upward. Sometimes it is ok to look around us or in us. There are times for that. But more ever, especially right now, I need to focus on Jesus, and that is not always easy to do. I get mad at circumstances, people who have hurt me, injustice around me. 

I need to remember, that all of that is temporary, Jesus is in control, this is not my home. I need to focus on others, driving them by my words and actions, to Jesus; have a perspective of eternity; love others like Jesus did and does. My hope is in Him. My eternity is with Him.

So, I can be obsessed with thoughts, depressed by them or at rest - with knowing God's got this.

Ps. 73:25-26  In Christ, we have a treasure in this life that this world cannot match and that death cannot take away.

Ps 73:23-24 "....and afterward you will take me into glory."

Ps 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

nap time.....

It is well with my soul

I had no idea that this song would have so much meaning for me ... until now. It has always been a favorite of mine but never had deep meaning.

We have all had painful endings....it's a part of life, and it's a part of growing in our spiritual lives as well. We probably all can say that those times in our lives are often the sweetest times of growth and communion with God, when we are so dependent on Him, that often all we want is to lean on Him, listen to His Spirit and be in the Word.

... on a side note ... I am often disappointed in myself that I am not always that passionate all the time and not just when going through difficult times.  Working on that.

I am in one of those times. The funny thing is, when I look back at all the really difficult times, especially in the last 10-12 years, it almost seems like the intensity of the hard times have been getting harder and harder. Like each time is more painful, more difficult.  Each time I believe my faith grows and gets stronger ... my relationship with Jesus closer ... my relationships with "my circle" sweeter and stronger.

In a way I am starting over ... again ... an apartment, new job, new friends, new church, new doctors, and the all important, new hairdresser! Yes, it is in a place where I grew up and where I went to college, but that doesn't necessarily make it easier.

In the midst of this really hard stuff, where some of my deepest insecurities have been ripped open, exposed and stepped on, this is some of what I have learned:

God DOES allow us more then we can handle - but He gives us the grace and strength to walk through it. He wants us to seek after Him, driven to our knees in acts of worship and conversation with Him, often crying out in desperation to Him.  Here is the thing about one of the phrases we often use: "God never gives us more than we can handle" - its not true, and its not helpful.

(I began writing this a few days ago, and in church this morning we talked about this half truth of God never giving us more than we can handle. The thing about half truths is that they have enough truth in them that if we buy into them, they will hurt us).  Here is what I was reminded of today about being given more than we can handle:

• it deepens our faith
• it shapes our character
• it refocuses our attention (this is not my home)

God DOES meet our needs, often before we know what we need - God provided an unbelievable job for me, at my alma mater, before I knew I'd need one. I had friends step in and meet needs that I had, without asking.

God DOES want us to live in community and need others.  I have been surrounded by a group of women, and others, that have, and continue to, pray for, encourage, build up, counsel, and love me. This is as God intends. We NEED each other.

God LOVES me ... just as I am.

Horotio Spafford was a wealthy man but lost EVERYTHING in the Great Chicago Fire in 1871. After two years of rebuilding the city he and his family went on a vacation. His work holding him up, he sent his family ahead on a boat. The boat sank after being hit by a another boat. He sailed to pick up his wife, who had survived. His four girls died. Upon reaching the spot where the boat went down, Horotio penned the words to, It is Well with My Soul.

The next time someone you know or love is going through a valley, say this instead, "God will help you through whatever you've been given ..... and so will I.

It is well with my soul ..... may it be well with yours today.

Full Circle

There have only been a few times in my life where I have felt like I have come full circle in something. What does it mean? Well, it's when something completes a cycle ... returns to its beginnings ... return to the same situation or same attitude previously held ... seeing something that once brought pain or sorrow, maybe not as joyful, but as something that no longer brings those same negative responses ... I suppose it could be a negative at times, but we mostly see "coming full circle" as a positive thing.

I have flown into this airport, dropped people off, picked people up, watched my parents take off and land from this airport since I was a little kid. The last time I flew into my hometown airport, my dad picked me up. Today was the first time no one in my family was there. It was strange.  I remember growing up here ... the first time I flew into here was when I was 2 1/2. My family moved to PA from California in 1968. But I remember many times when we would pick up my mom, and because the airport was so small, we could go up to the outlook and watch her plane land from outside - or yell to her as she would walk to the airplane outside, as that was the only way back then to board the plane!

Why did I fly into this airport? Well, I live here again. It has been 29 years since I left to take my first job coaching and teaching as a 21 year old. My dream job back then was to be a college head coach - basketball - to be able to take my teams on missions trips. 

What happened in those 29 years? That's a story for another time, however, here are the basic statistics .....

1 year in FL

4 years in NJ

12 years in VA

2 years in MI

10 years in OH

PE/Health teacher

coached high school basketball, volleyball, softball, field hockey, cross country

Health Club manager and District manager

"family nanny" for my brother and SIL

coached college basketball as assistant

Assistant professor of sport management

got married

5 mission's trips

I never had the desire to come back "home" to Clarks Summit. I didn't see that as my "dream job". However, God often has different plans for us, and I am now in a dream job. Back at my alma mater, head coach of women's basketball team, an assistant AD ... living in my childhood town ... and flying into a newly renovated airport. Am I starting over in many ways ... ?  Yes. But God is Good. The. End.

So as I flew into Wilkes Barre (barry! not bar), after spending a sweet weekend with lifelong friends, I am reminded that I have come "full circle". Will I be here the rest of my life? I don't know. Only God does. So in the meantime I will grab a cup of coffee in the morning, dress in my athletic wear :), and go to my office ... at Summit University ... my alma mater.

I hate flying.

"But even if He doesn't ... "

When I was a kid I remember my mom telling us the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego .... but there was a second "version" she would use when it was time for bed. It went something like this:
"Shadrach, Meshach, and to bed you go!" I have never forgotten their names or the story.

I heard a message today on these men. Nothing new ... a story I have heard my entire life. But given life's circumstances, I see it a little differently. When faced with the option of bowing down to this idol, or die in a furnace, their response was amazing to me ...... (my paraphrasing) "the God whom we serve is able to save us, but if He doesn't .... we will still not serve you or bow down to your idol."

Its the, if He doesn't, that I have never really paid attention to or that we don't hear deeply taught about. At least I haven't.

Just because God can do something, perform a miracle, answer a prayer the way we think is right or even biblical, etc. doesn't mean He must do it. Just because He is able does not mean He is obligated.
Not every story has a happy ending, but it will have a perfect ending - when Jesus comes, when we are made new, when we are finally what God originally created us to be.

God doesn't always keep us from the fire ... but He does walk with us - it allows us to encounter Him in a way we would never have otherwise. It allows us to experience the Living God. If we bow down to our "idol" - fear - we will miss an incredible experience with Jesus.

Why did God allow these 3 men to go through, literally, a burning fire anyway, if He was always going to save them? Well, they didn't know God would. They knew He could. But they were prepared to die if He chose not to. Thousands of years later, we are still talking about them and their story. That wouldn't have happened if they didn't take on their fear (dying by fire) in order to experience Jesus. Their experience was traumatic to say the least. They had no idea what was at stake in their obedience.

We all experience the fear of the fire in our lives. We can obey Jesus and experience Him in a way we might not have and allow Him to walk with us in the fire, or we can let our fear win over. What might be at stake in my personal "fire"? I don't know. I hope this isn;t arrogant and it is said with the utmost proper perspective: I hope that years down the road people are telling the story of their aunt, their friend, their sister - about how she allowed others to see Jesus walk with her in her fire, and that He was/is glorified.

He can perform that miracle, He can do anything ..... but He doesn't have to and He isn't obligated to just because He can. But this He will do: He will walk with you/me, just as He did with these three men, through your fire.

Now its to bed I go.....

What is my bullseye?

Jack has laser focus when it comes to sights and sounds outside. When he gets focused on a cat, or some kid walking across our yard, he goes crazy! and the thing is, sometimes you have to literally pull his face away and re-focus him in order to get him to stop barking.

Well, I may not bark, but I do the human version.....whatever that is! You see, life is hard and it is really hard for me right now. I will not pretend. Change is difficult, and everything related to those changes are difficult. I am having a hard time focusing clearly at times.

So I have made it my goal to focus on Jesus and I. I know, I know ........ that sounds so cliche' - ish. But trust me, its not. I, you, will not survive in any good fashion, if we do not focus on Jesus. I am so much more aware of this right now in my life. All the "stuff" can get us bogged down.....jobs, family, politics, war, disease, relationships, church stuff.....you name it. There are things we can and should do regarding these things, however, when they become the focus of my attention, then I am usually trying to fix them on my own and in my own strength. That never goes well!

Don't get me wrong, they don't all of a sudden get better or fix themselves when I turn to Jesus and focus on Him. What it does do, is take my focus off of stuff, including myself and puts in singly and solely on one person: Jesus - what does that do?

It narrows the bullseye to one thing only: Him - it changes my perspective on those things. It takes the focus off of me. It puts my total dependence on the only one who can and will meet my needs. It helps me think about how I can bring God glory today. It helps me to not worry about all of the "stuff". HE is in control......

I am having trouble filling my days right now, which causes my focus to become blurry. This week, a good friend shared this with me:  how can I glorify God today? If my motivation becomes about glorifying God, then it changes how I see things. It takes the normal things of my day and makes them purposeful. How I clean my house changes - or at least my attitude about it does :) It changes how I interact with people at the store or getting coffee. It takes the focus off of me and puts it on how I can bring Glory to God today. (I totally stole this from my friend)

I have been drawn lately to Ps. 121 - God's got this; He is in complete control; He will take care of my needs; God see it ALL; He will control every detail of my life; He doesn't promise me a pain free or worry free existence; Nothing will keep me from God's good purposes for me.

THAT gives me confidence for this journey of life on earth. Jesus is my guardian and my protector.

Sometimes Jesus has to grab my head, like Jack, and turn it another direction to get me re-focused. He's doing that.

Anniversary's

Anniversary's have a way of making us reflective. Every year, for the last three years, this day makes me reflective, sad, and happy.

It is a day that is etched in my memory. Every detail of the two days prior and the day God took our mom home is forever in my mind. You can't help but replay those memories in your mind on a day like today.

I remember her eyes connecting one time with Scott and I as she lay in hospice. We choose to believe, as she attempted to mumble something, that she was aware of our presence.

I remember my dad so lovingly touching her face and telling her how much he loves her.

I remember the grands coming in and saying their goodbyes. The decision we made as a family to take her off the breathing machine, and I remember the 15 hours we sat with her.

But two memories I will remember with a sad smile, is when it was just mom and I and I played the song, "It Is Well" for her. It IS well with her. She is with Jesus, no more pain, no more tears, and no more suffering. The other memory is Scott and I holding her hands for her final two hours, watching her take her final breaths and meeting Jesus. From our hands to HIS. A painful blessing.

I remember the songs sang at her funeral, the testimonies given, and the message shared. My mom LOVED Jesus, LOVED her family, and LOVED others.

At some point I am hoping the "reflection" is more about her life than the days of her death, and I am sure it will be. This isn't meant to be morbid either. Just my thoughts today.

I choose to remember these 3 things today: her love for Jesus, love for family & others and her sense of humor. She was a funny lady!

So why am I happy? I am so happy that she is with Jesus. That she is whole again. That she is out of pain and suffering. That she is with her rents and family.

That she is waiting for us with Jesus! I can't wait.

Birthdays and blessing.....

3 years ago today, I talked with my mom for the last time ... or at least the last time she was conscious to respond back. I called her for her birthday a few weeks after spending Christmas with her and my dad in PA.

She would be 78 today. I am pretty darn sure she is happily celebrating however old she is in heaven and quite glad she isn't celebrating #78 here on earth! Angels singing and being with Jesus is probably better then a cake and dinner!

Remembering her birthday somehow got me to thinking of blessings. That last Christmas with her was unexpected. Usually we all traveled to MI. But that year she couldn't travel anymore, so I decided to go there and spent a few days with just her and dad. What a blessing! I was able to cook her Christmas dinner....another blessing, even if the meat turned out a little tough :) You see, God knew she would be with him 3 weeks later. HE knew we all (including Scott and family who also were able to spend time with her then) needed that time with her. HE KNEW.....

Fast forward 3 years to this year's Christmas and unexpected blessings. I was able to spend two whole weeks with my family, an unexpected lunch with my best friend, coffee and brunch with two others. None of those were totally planned, but God knew what I needed, so I am choosing to see those as blessings HE gave me because HE knows what we need, when we need it. HE KNOWS what I will face (and you) this year. So I am trying to see all those small blessings as purposeful things God is placing and will place in my life, for a reason, and not overlook or take for granted "random" phone calls, cards in the mail, or a text message.

You see, HE knows what's coming. The good and bad, and He knows what I need to handle both the good and bad.

By the way, I am listening to Adele on my new wireless headphones ... another unexpected Christmas blessing....LOL. Not sure Adele goes with this post, but .... you know.

Lastly, more than once at the end of December, I kept seeing this verse on social media:

Is. 43:18-19
"But forget all that - it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am going to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wastelands."

For another post .....