5 Years

Dear Mom,

I was sitting at another funeral today and it dawned on me that in a few months it will be 5 years since you breathed your last breath on earth and breathed your first in Heaven. I really miss you. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you at some point. Especially when I am now back "home" and could have seen you every day.

A lot has happened in these 5 years.

• I've had a few more surgeries. I'm sure that comes as NO surprise to you since you always said I'd be in a wheelchair by age 25, due to the way I played ball! Well, I've made it an extra 25, and although sometimes I wish I could have someone push me around, I'm happy to say that I am still upright.
• I lost Skylar, your Granddog. She was 16. I now have Jack! who is a small Terrier mix. you'd love him. He'd sit in your lap all day.
• Preston graduated from high school and is now at College. You'd be so proud of him. He's at CSU. Wish you were here to watch him play ball.
• Quinten is a senior in HS and wants to be a Pediatric Doctor. Wow, is that kid smart! He takes after you and Scott. You would love his heart!
• Deacon is 14 and a freshman in HS. He LOVES fishing and has his first homecoming date! He is a little version of Scott.
• Lily is 14 and in 8th grade. We wanted her and Deacon to not feel like they were tied at the hip so kept them a year apart in class. She is spunky, beautiful and a great soccer player. She also loves to make things - she has your artistic bent.
• I'm not longer in Ohio. I got married and moved to Va. Sadly, I am now divorced. In some ways I am glad you didn't live to see that. It will be a year Dec. 26 that he divorced me. Maybe when he gets to Heaven you may want to have a "mom talk" with him!
• Dad is MI and we have finally had to put him in full time care. Mom, he never recovered from your passing. None of us expected the timing but he never expected it really and wasn't prepared. Scott and his family have taken great care of him, but we are praying that God allows him to join you soon. He no longer knows who we are.
• Guess where I am now? Back at CSU. I'm the athletic director and women's basketball coach now here. I came here after my divorce and am beginning my second year here. Crazy huh!?
• I see your friend Peggy a lot. She misses you too. I know you've see Dr. Arp up there. Very sad and unexpected.

Well, I am sure there are a lot more things that have happened, but those are the highlights. Oh, remember Kir? She has a boyfriend! I'm sure you'd love that. While I wish you were here, I don't. Because I know you are singing with Jesus. I wish you could tell me they why's of all that I am experiencing. I wonder if God let's you in on stuff like that.

In some ways, 5 years have flown by. In other ways, it has been slow as molasses. I still remember most details of those days in the hospital and after. I still wonder, to this day, if you were trying to say something to Scott and I as we sat with you in hospice. Your eyes caught ours and you mumbled something. We choose to believe God gave you a moment of clarity and knew we were with you. 

I've also started to be a little "crafty", so to speak! LOL  nothing like what you could do, but I think you'd be proud. I've made a few things for my apartment. Makes me think of you. See, it wasn't a waste of time, trying to teach me all that girly, crafty stuff after all!

Mom, love you and miss you. 

Fears and Voices

My Church is doing a series on "How to Be Brave" - pushing back and overcoming our fears. This has been a lifeline struggle for me. One would think that with how competitive I am that I would not allow fears and negative voices keep me from pushing through. 

Courage comes from the battle within our minds. We get weighed down by our thoughts and by the lies we believe. Believing lies is something I have fought my entire life. I have talked often about speaking truth and how that is something I have been learning to do in these last 10 years. Some seasons are harder than others to fight off those demons of lies. 

So, let's talk about the Isrealites. God PROMISED He would lead them to, and give them, the Promised Land. Moses sent 12 spies to go into the land to scope it out and to come back with a plan to go in and take the land. He asked them very specific questions about the land. So in they went and for 40 days they sought answers to those questions.

We know the story, however I have never thought about it in these terms before. They were going to have to go in and fight, but God said He would give the land to them. OK, so just go in and take it, right? What's the problem?

Voices.......voices were the problem. 10 of the spies came back and talked all about how big and strong and fortified the people and land were. They spread fear and a negative report around the camp. So much so that the people of Israel wept and said that it would be better to go back to Egypt and be under the tyranny they had lived under before. Ironic - they cried for a leader to deliver them from Egypt and now they were crying for a leader to take them back. Why? I guess they at least knew what to expect. Their fear paralyzed them. 

Joshua and Caleb saw the same things as the other 10. They saw the problems and challenges, but they also the power and promises of God. "He will lead us.....He will give it to us ....". Perspective was the difference. Because the people listened to the voices of the 10, that generation never saw the Promised Land and wandered for the next 40 years in the wilderness. 

We listen to three voices: those around us (technology), those along side of us (relationships), and those behind us (from our past).  I am challenged, with all the technology around us, to limit how much I am on my phone, watching TV, etc. I have some great relationships around me that speak truth and hope, pray for me and call me on the carpet when needed. I have also eliminated some relationships that did the opposite of that.

The voices I struggle with most are those behind me. "Your a jock; you aren't feminine enough; you are smart enough",  ..... and others I won't share. I am fighting lies of a marriage that destroyed my confidence in a lot ways. I am trying to turn up the voice of God who has promised me/us a lot of things in His word. 

What has God promised you/me? What has He told us to do? IF He promises to lead us, be with us, take care of us, etc. then what is holding us/me back?  

Courage

"There is an Eagle in me that wants to sore, but a hippo in me that wants to wallow in the mud" Carl Sandburg

I'm trying to stop wallowing. I am trying to remember whose I am - I am a Child of God.

A Father's Dream

Today was the first day of a new responsibility for me. It was also the start of one of my dad's dreams ... to have his children, or at least one of them, back at CSU, as Director of Athletics. I think he thought it would be my brother, but alas, right now its the girl! It seems weird and unreal, but here we are. 

I'm not really worthy to follow in my dad's steps. He is an amazing man. Here are some areas that I fall short of my dad's ....

1. Knowing names - my dad remembered everyone he met! That is no lie or exaggeration. He knew you by name and he didn't forget you. I can barely remember my immediate families names!

2. Directions - in no way do I have my father's gift of directional abilities. I am, as they say, directional challenged. My dad would call to check on me if I was driving to visit he and my mom and ask what mile marker I was at! He could tell by that number where I was..... just sick!

3. His ability to make you feel like you were the most important person on earth. If I like you, I can probably make you feel that way!

4. His organizational skills were second to none. For basketball camp he had a massive notebook detailing every minute of the week, every drill and breakdown of those drills. I, on the other hand, have a piece of paper for each day! 

5. My dad's gift of encouragement was killer too. He could make the worst player think they could dunk the ball, even if they couldn't walk and dribble at the same time. 

Here is what I do have - my dad's love of college students, using athletics to build relationships, and his last name. We are getting to a time where the name isn't as recognizable as it once was. So I build on it. I take what I learned from my dad, put my own spin, personality and gifts to it and carry on the family name and the family job. While the gym is named for my dad, I get to coach in it. I also get to make decisions on redesigning it. That's cool.  

So in some ways, my dad's legacy lives on. His kid is the Interim AD at the place he loved. While he no longer has his steel-trapped mind, one day he will know and be proud.

By the way, I also have my dad's uncanny musical ability....and by that I mean it's so uncanny that I can #singall4parts ..... at the same time.

Don't Look Down

On my way to church this morning I asked God to speak to me. Not because I am so spiritual, but precisely because I'm not. I'm a messy Christ follower, whose spirit is often in turmoil lately. I should probably stop trying to make sense of life! I am a BIG believer in the Holy Spirit, that He is ever present, that He speaks to us, both to settle and convict our hearts.

The story goes like this:  the widow at Zarephath was using the last of her oil and flour to make one last loaf of bread for her and her son. She was then going to die. Elijah was told by God to go there and when he saw the widow, he asked her for something to drink and eat. She told him that she only had this little bit left to feed her and her son and then she was going to die.

She obeyed God (God said He instructed her to feed Elijah) and we all know the story....she had enough oil and flour to continue making bread and it never ran out. She was asked to give up all that she had, even to the last drop of food she had.

Do you ever feel like you have given "everything" and aren't sure what is left to give? I do. Sometimes I think of all those things I've lost or given up - physical abilities, parents, husband, dogs, friends by distance, a house, money, etc. What is left to give? The simple, spiritual answer? Me. I've never refused to give myself to Jesus, but in that process there is a refining that happens to make me more like him. Apparently, I need a lot of refining.....I say that half jokingly, but also mean it. There is something about me that requires a lot of refining....I guess.

We all know that Peter was the leader of the early Church. In preparation for that, one of the lessons he had to learn was one where he and the disciples were in a boat during a storm. The disciples saw what they thought was a ghost on the water during the storm. We know it was Jesus and He told them so. As Peter stepped out of the boat and walked toward Jesus, he took his eyes off of Him and began to sink. Of course, Jesus held out His hand and saved Peter.

As an aside....no one else got out of the boat to walk to Jesus. If we don't get out of the boat, in trust of what Jesus is asking us to do, we won't fulfill His calling on our lives. They all stayed in the boat where it was relatively safe, while Peter stepped out and in doing so, increased his faith in God.

God didn't leave Peter in his failure, but gave him another chance to "walk on the water", with Him. God didn't calm the storm until AFTER they both walked back to the boat. Our tendency is to ask God to calm or stop the storm, instead of asking Him to meet us there or draw us to Himself.

So what did the Spirit speak to me today?  Well.....instead of asking WHY all of this stuff is happening to me, ask WHAT am I being prepared for. Getting out of the boat for Peter was uncomfortable. For me, one of those, "getting out of the boats", is forgiveness.

With this heart open wide

From the depths from the heights

I will bring a sacrifice

With these hands lifted high

Hear my song, hear my cry

I will bring a sacrifice

I will bring a sacrifice

I lay me down I'm not my own

I belong to you alone

Lay me down, lay me down

Hand on my heart this much is true

There's no life apart from you

Lay me down, lay me down

Lay me down, lay me down

Letting go of my pride

Giving up all my rights

Take this life and let it shine

Take this life and let it shine

I lay me down I'm not my own

I belong to You alone

Lay me down, lay me down

Hand on my heart this much is true

There's no life apart from You

Lay me down, lay me down

Lay me down, lay me down

It will be my joy to say Your will Your way

It will be my joy to say Your will Your way

It will be my joy to say Your will Your way always

By the way, it's when Peter took his eyes off of Jesus that he began to sink. Don't look down.

When God Chooses to Bless Others

One of the lessons I am in the middle of learning is what to do or think when God blesses those around me.  I guess the reality is, it really isn't any of my business. However, reality is also that I am human and so I watch and observe, and things that shouldn't affect me, sometimes do.

One of the definitions of the word blessing, is, "a thing conducive to happiness or welfare". God gives, and allows, good things that contribute to our happiness, but if I am looking to those things to determine my happiness, I am in trouble. Life is unpredictable. Good and bad happens. As Job said, "God gives and God takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord".  My happiness/contentment is dependent on the person of Jesus, not stuff. On WHO He is, not WHAT He gives me. On His promises, not my desires.  God gives each of us WHAT we need to become more like Him. Or, conversely, He takes away things to make us more like Him. 

Quite frankly, sometimes He gives us good things, because He chooses to. Out of love for us. Because He can. Because He wants to. None of it means I did something wrong or right. None of it means He doesn't love me, or that I don't love Him enough.

Who am I to decide or to think I know what I, or others, need?  God doesn't give us things because we "do the right things". He doesn't withhold things from us because we, "did the wrong things". He alone gets to choose what He gives, when He gives it, and to whom He gives it to. My response:  "blessed be the name of the Lord" - thankfulness, love God ... and love others.

Unmet expectations.....I've been thinking about this idea lately. Especially with regards to relationships. This is where relationships break down. When we have expectations that aren't met. I think this is true when it comes to our relationship with God as well. If I have the expectation that God should give me what I want, give me what He gives others, give me what I think will make me happy, then I will always be in a perpetual state of discontent and unhappiness. Or at least on a roller coaster of emotion.

So what do we do when God chooses to bless others? Part of relationships is weeping when others weep, and rejoicing when others rejoice. So I choose to rejoice ....

• When my best friend is in a relationship with an amazing guy.
• When another friend is provided a job closer to friends and family - and is reunited with a former co-worker.
• When a friend delivers a healthy baby following cancer.
• When a friend gets a new job - AND moves south where it is warmer :)
• When a friend adds a beautiful baby girl to their home, for however long God chooses.
• When a co-worker gets married and is enjoying a new marriage.

None of this comes naturally - at least to me. It is hard sometimes. Especially when I am in the midst of a hard season. And by the way, sometimes God NOT giving us something or taking us through a storm IS the blessing.  (when I figure out how, I'll let you know! I just know it to be true, in my head)

On a more trivial note:  the tip of my tongue has been numb since my surgery Monday. Very weird feeling. BUT, the feeling is coming back! The human body is an amazing thing! 

The feeling in my tongue is a blessing :)

Waves

I just spent some time in one of my favorite places with a sweet friend. It is one of the things I look most forward to each summer. It's a small beach town in MI. We walk around town with coffee in hand, walk the pier, sit at the beach all day (weather permitting) read, play games, talk and just rest. In some ways, it is life giving - both the rest and the company.

Here's the thing though ... you never know what the beach is going to give you each day. On a good summer we've had sun the entire time. But often, you just don't know what the weather is going to do. This summer was no exception. One day it was calm and quiet. The water was so still you could see deep down and watch the fish swim.

No waves, no wind ... just stillness. Peaceful - calm - quiet.

The next day something blew in, literally! The waves were crazy and splashing up onto the pier such that it was covered in water in some places. If you walked too close to the edge, you were bound to get wet. The wind was blowing and it was "cold" on the beach. 

Lots of waves, windy ... noisy, unsettled. 

A week later, I am pondering the difference between the two and how it is much like life. We go through times where our lives are calm and peaceful, like the stillness of the beach on a quiet, still night. Then there are times where life hits us like an out of control wave and knocks us down. It catches us in the undertow, drags us away and we struggle to get out from under it.

Lately, it seems like I've been hit more with waves than the calmness of a quiet lake. When I feel like I was getting a foothold on the undertow, another wave would hit me. Like the disciples I have cried out in fear (OK, and in anger, frustration, etc) but God has not chosen to calm the storm yet. Or not in the way He did for them - speaking and the waves stopped. 

Here is a difference I see - even in the midst of the storm and crashing waves, we are able to see deep down (like seeing fish in the calm waters) and see the One holding us, giving us strength, and giving us peace, that at the time we can't understand. Why? Because Jesus IS the calm in the storm, He CALLS to the waves and they stop still. In OUR weakness, He is our strength.

My joy is anchored in Jesus - not my life's circumstances. I can't control much. But I have to choose to rest in His arms during the storm, wait on Him to heal and grow me through the storms He is allowing, and come to Him with my questions, anger, hurts and desires .... and let Him take them on and give me peace.

We must choose to release our problems and choose to replace our thoughts - you know, the ones we replay in our minds, stress over and allow Satan to put there. 

I stole this:  grapes vs glass - each responds differently to a hammer. Hit glass, and shards of glass will cut and hurt you and others. Hit a grape with a hammer and out comes juice. 

I confess, often times lately, I have been glass, but desire to be the grape.

Sticks and Stones

The old Children's rhyme we all remember, yet know in our maturity as untrue. (sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me) It is said to first have appeared in 1862 in the Christian Recorder.  We were taught to say it as kids to remind us to ignore the hurtful words of others.

The truth is that words can be very hurtful. When I was younger I expected name-calling and hurtful words. Somehow I expected that as I got older it would stop. We would mature as followers of Jesus and realize that our words can wound the soul deeply. I was wrong. It still happens. I do it. We all do it.

Why? Well we can give the pat answer of, we are all sinners, so it is expected. We have to stop using this as an OK to do wrong. If we have the same Spirit in us as Jesus did when He rose Lazurus from the dead, or changed water into wine, then we have the ability through the power of the Holy Spirit to control our tongues. Things are said in the heat of the moment, that we regret later. But some of the most hurtful words, to me, are those made in ignorance and in the calm of a moment. We make judgments about others based on appearance, perception or on what we've heard. We don't think those we are talking about will hear what we've said. 

I don't have an good answer as to the "why". Maybe insecurity, jealousy ... who knows. WHAT I know is that being a recipient of hurtful words has made me very aware of my own words lately. I am praying that God gives me the control over my tongue and love in my heart, to use my words well and wisely. 

So this is a reminder to me as well as my readers (all 2 of you!)  LOL .......... words can give life or "death". Words can encourage the soul or wound it deeply. Words can make you smile or cry. Words can make you angry or put a smile on your face. Words can be hurtful or helpful. If you are like me, unkind and hurtful words are hard for me to forget. They penetrate deeply at times. I am also a "words of affirmation" person on the Love Languages, so that may be why words have such a deep affect me.

Not knowing other's background or life experiences should cause us to pause first, get to know them and understand them. Hold our tongues. Reserve our judgments. 

Prov. 18:21 "Death and live are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits."
Prov. 12:18 " There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."
Prov. 16:24 "Kind word are like honey - sweet to the soul and healthy for the body."