Two Years Later

This picture was taken at our family's first Christmas without my mom.  Not gonna lie, it was miserable.  Two years ago, this week, was the worst week of my/our family's life.  We knew mom wasn't going to be with us much longer, but it still came as a shock to get the phone call that she was on her way to the hospital.

While in some ways it seems like yesterday, it has been 2 years.  I can remember so much about that week, in detail.  Wish I couldn't.  How do you decide to take your mom off a machine that is allowing her to "live" ... how do you plan for a funeral when you have never done that before ... how and what will it be like to watch her take her last breath ... what will we do without her ... how will dad do ... when its over, what then ...

Still through all of that, Scott and I got to be with her in those last hours, but more importantly, in those last minutes.  I wouldn't have changed that for anything.

I can't summarize in one writing all that has happened in the 2 years since.  But it has been A LOT of change, and not just within my family.  I struggled to the point of not knowing if I could take one more thing.  Several surgeries, loss of another dog, changes in my professional life, a dear friend/sister moving, a dad who now needs us to care for him, a final move and closing of my parents house and what felt like, throwing away of their "stuff".  It's been a dark time for me, but with the help of others, support of family and close friends, daily grace from God and literally, one day at a time mentality, I am through the worst of it.  (I hope!)

I'd like to tell you that I spent a lot of time in God's Word and prayer, etc.  but that just wasn't the case.  Most of the time I didn't want to.  I am past feeling "unspiritual" because of it.  What I hope I am now is, more aware of hurting people around me, more willing to engage them, more understanding, more loving and more aware, THANKFUL and in AWE of God's grace in my life.  I am VERY aware of how underserving I am right now.  God doesn't bless us because of how we have responded to something, just like he doesn't keep something from us because we didn't earn it.

He blesses us because of HIS SON and what HE DID on the cross...and because of that and my accepting that gift, I am worthy before Him to receive anything.

Life for me is still a day at a time.  I miss my mom terribly, I miss my dear friend, I miss what was both personally and professionally, I miss my dogs, I miss what I used to be able to do physically, I miss my dad ( he is still with us, just struggling ) and on a lighter note.....I miss what I used to weigh before all of these surgeries!  LOL - life will NEVER be the same.  However, I am out of the fog and though I anticipate more change, I believe I am in a better place to handle it this time.  Again, by and because of God's grace and my circle of trust (friends and fam) around me.

I have a new dog, his name is JACK!!