When your desires turn to disasters

What happens when your desires turn into a disaster? Do you remember as a kid having a list of things you wanted or desired to happen in your life? I had quite a few. I wanted to be the best basketball player in college, start as a freshman, be an All-American (sounds pretty vain now - lol), win a National title, get married, have kids, teach, coach, retire young and live my days out on the water in a log cabin. And by log cabin, I don't mean rustic either. Some came true, some didn't; some turned into a disaster.

History is one of my favorite things ever to read about, watch, and learn about. One of my favorite stories in History is about the Titanic. Why? Because of all the "one little things" that could have made a difference between the boat sinking or not. If they would have spent a little more money on the rivets, maybe they wouldn't have blown out. If they had stopped and hit the iceburg head on, instead of turning away from it. If they would have gone a little slower. If they would have listened to the ice warnings. If one man would have not desired to "win the speed" battle. If they would have had a few more lifeboats. There are a lot of "ifs", and of course, "hindsight is 20/20".

It was the biggest, fanciest, and quite possibly the fastest cruise ship to date. They were making good time crossing the Atlantic to dock into New York, but Bruce Ismay wanted to beat the fastest time and urged Captain Smith to go a little bit faster. One man's desire turned into a disaster.

 I grew up with mindset that if I just obeyed God and applied Prov. 3:5-6, that all of those dreams and desires would come to fruition. Of course, that thinking isn't correct and led me down a difficult path for quite awhile. Thankfully, over time, I began to understand who God really is and what a true relationship with Him looks like. Desires and dreams aren't bad. Ultimately, however, it is God who decides what we need to become more like Him and to bring Glory to Him. Because that is what it's about:  becoming more like Jesus - sanctification

But what about when you are given a desire of your heart and it blows up? It turns into a disaster before you've had time to blink. Hindsight is 20/20 and honestly it can be a torture to someone like me who maybe thinks a little too much. What if ..... what if I had asked more questions, what if there was more counseling, what if I had done this different, or that better .... you name it and fill in your own "what ifs".  None of those questions, after the fact, are really helpful. That doesn't mean we don't learn from circumstances, but we can't "live there", in the what ifs. I'm stuck in the what ifs and working my way out.

Sometimes we are the recipients of unfair circumstances. What do we do when we find ourselves in one of those? Joseph didn't deserve to be sold by his brothers, or to be wrongfully accused and thrown into jail. Job didn't deserve to have his entire family and possessions taken from him. Paul and Silas didn't deserve to be beaten, dragged, lied about and thrown into jail. What did they do?

Joseph stayed faithful and praised Jesus.
Job praised Jesus.
Paul and Silas praised and worshiped Jesus.

When faced with unfair or painful circumstances the only way to adjust was to take their eyes off of their circumstances and onto Jesus. Change one's perspective. Worship your way out of those circumstances. We have NO control over circumstances, but we do have control over how we respond. This, of course, is nothing new and I am writing to the choir. But I need the reminder right now, and so I write as a member of the choir.

Step back and remember that there is a God in Heaven, who died for us and gave us His Grace when we didn't deserve it, that He has us in His hands and will get us/me where He wants me when He wants me there. ( I stole this )  Worshiping in the painful moments gives God the chance to change me - set me free from disappointment and pain.

God may give us the desires of our hearts, but without Him in all the "little things", the desire and dream may turn into a disaster. When it does,

Step Back
Worship
Get perspective

I am reminded, by a friend, to keep doing out of obedience, the little things:  read God's Word, listen to good worship music, pray,  keep talking to friends who are walking with me - at some point, the heart will follow the head. Those things will take root and God will heal.

EPILOGUE:  While worshiping and singing, God broke Paul and Silas's chains, leading to them leading the jailer and his family to Jesus; this family becoming part of the first church written about in Philippians. Joseph was used to save an entire nation from famine. Job was given double of what he lost, god blessed him and he lived a long life.

The jailer brought pain into their lives and they brought grace into his.   (yeah, to be honest, I'm not there yet, but hope to be. Why? Because God gave me Grace - the most undeserving - and I am to extend that grace)

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

 Anybody remember this movie from the late 60's? Clint Eastwood and friends are searching for stolen gold during the American Civil War. Lots of shooting and everything else that is in a good western.

 If only life were like a good movie, a Hallmark if you will. But it isn't. I am in no way comparing life to this movie. I am just stealing the words: the good, the bad and the ugly. THAT is real life. There's good stuff, not so good stuff, and then downright crappy stuff.

I have written a lot about the good and bad, and how to have a proper outlook and perspective...or what I've learned or am learning through them. However, I've never really written about the ugly. Why? Who knows....maybe I don't want to be that transparent; maybe I don't want platitudes; and maybe people will think I want attention ( I don't ). But I'm a blogger .... so I blog.

Here's the ugly.  Life sucks right now. Trying to pick up the pieces of broken promises, a broken heart that says no one will ever hurt me again, ever; of a very weary soul. Actually, I'm not sure I'm really trying to pick them up right now. They are just laying there. Watching as our family makes the ultimate decision to have others care for our dad, who has absolutely no memory of us anymore. I feel like the Psalmist who cries out to God and asks where He is and asks him to hear his voice.  Why does He seem silent? Why can I read verses and not even comprehend what I'm reading? Why does He seem to be answering all my friend's requests and not mine? Why can I barely pray? Not because I don't want to, but because I don't know what to say or ask for anymore. Just going through the motions has me weary and slightly freaking out.

I've heard life comes down to choices. We choose to love, choose to forgive, choose to hold a grudge, choose to hate, choose joy .... you name it. Not based on feelings. Well, there ARE feelings involved; true, raw feelings. So what do we do?  Invest in others, read our Bibles anyway, go to Church anyway; listen to good music; remind ourselves of God's truths. What if that isn't working, then what? I don't know. Maybe that will be another blog. For now I am reminded of the song: "Eye of the Storm";

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm
Mmm, when my hopes and dreams are far from me, and I'm runnin' out of faith
I see the future I picture slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus' name

In the eye of the storm (yeah, yeah)
You remain in control (yes you do, Lord)
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me (Your love surrounds me)
In the eye of the storm (in the eye of the storm)

Right now they are just words, yet they are Truth.

So, maybe not the feel - good post or funny posts I am usually known for. However, an honest one. Life isn't always funny and there aren't always "happy" endings. I can't wait until there is - when Jesus returns.

Did they ever find the gold at the end of the movie?  I have no idea!

Apartment Living

So I made a list tonight ... I have moved and lived in 17 different places over the years. I have rented 15 of them and I've owned one home. This is my first apartment .... and it looks nothing like the above picture. I live in a building with 4 apartments, on the top floor.

I'm not going to lie ... I miss my house. I miss the landscaping! I miss cutting my grass (I think!) I miss playing my music as loud as I want to and not worrying about others being able to hear it. I miss OWNING my own home. I miss deciding to paint a wall and not having to ask permission. I miss paying a mortgage, knowing my check was going back into my home, instead of flushing it ... Yes, I have been feeling sorry for myself some. 

Here is what I DON'T miss about owning my home ... having to replace a sump pump - twice; shoveling my own sidewalk and stairs when it snows. I don't miss being responsible for anything that broke. I don't miss having to replace an entire sidewalk! I don't miss people parking on my grass!

Here is what Jack has taught me in the different places I have lived or stayed temporarily these past two years ... it doesn't matter where you actually LIVE. All he cared about was whether I was with him. It took him a couple of days to adjust each time, but then it was as if he had been there forever. He didn't care, as long as I was there. Now I don't have a human like Jack does, but I do have a lot.

I have ... a place to live. I like it a lot. It was was renovated so everything inside is brand new. I have a family. I have friends here. I have a good job. I work with great people. I have a great support system and friends at a distance. I have someone else that will cut the grass, fix stuff that breaks and shovel the driveway. 

See, Jack doesn't care where he lives because he isn't attached to a place. He is attached to a person ... me. I am trying not to care either ... why?  because a lot of people don't have what I have. But mostly because I am attached to Jesus, so wherever I go, He goes. It might take me time too adjust ( longer than jack! ), but Jesus is there with me, so it's going to be OK.

Oh, and I have a BATHTUB again!