To be honest, I have never spent a lot of time thinking about breast cancer awareness month. The disease has touched some friends of mine, but never me directly. I'm sad to say that it took me getting cancer to make me more aware of its devastation. When people talk about "chemo brain" or "metallic taste", I get it now. When they talk about a tired that can't be explained or slept away, I get it.
This past week I have reached the halfway point in my chemo treatments. It's hard. However, my support system has been praying and so far I have not had any other of the potential symptoms. That's not to say I won't, but so far I have not. I have 8 more chemo treatments, surgery, radiation, and second surgery. So there is still a long road ahead. Yesterday, after meeting with my plastic surgeon, I got mad. Mad to have gotten cancer, mad that I still don't have a full-time job, mad that I'm bald, and mad that I am making life-altering decisions alone.
Today I heard a song ..... Goodness of God
I love you, Lord
For your mercy never failed me
All my days, I've been held in your hands
From the moment that I wake up
Until I lay my head
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God
And all my life you have been faithful
And all. my life you have been so, so good
With every breath I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God
I love your voice
You have led me through the fire
And in darkest night You are close like
no other
I've known you as a Father
I've known you as a Friend
And I have lived in the goodness of God!
All my life you have been faithful, oh
And all my life you have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God
Cause your goodness is running after, it's
running after me
Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now
I give you everything
Cause your goodness is running after,
it's running after me.
And all my life you have been faithful
And all my life you have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God.
It's hard to think of God as being good during these days. But I am determined to keep looking for the good. Sometimes it is just a beautiful day that I can look out at my view of a lake - well, really it's just a pond! Or walk Jack, or go to lunch with a nephew or niece. Other times it is realizing that God has kept me from some awful symptoms of chemo, had provided a part-time job of teaching, provided a great team of doctors, and provided an apartment for me for 11 months. I am blessed with a great support system and chocolate ice cream still kind of tastes like chocolate ice cream!
On a side note, we are getting closer to putting together my dissertation proposal! Oh, and I should take out stock in rice and ice cream.
Double nickels - I turned 55 today
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