Lessons Learned

 

There are several things I have learned through my walk through cancer this past year. Some can be humorous but most are not. Here goes .....

1. Chemo brain is a real thing. I hear it can last up to a year, so I am still occasionally experiencing it. At its worse, I couldn't think of words and my brain was very fuzzy. At its best, words can still be hard to fine.

2. The exhaustion that comes with chemo is hard to explain but I imagine your body has to work so hard because of the chemicals that you can do nothing else but lay on the couch for months.

3. I can't stand the smell of alcohol wipes. Every time I had an infusion or gave blood they cleaned the area with alcohol wipes and now the smell makes me gag every time. 

4. Burping has become crazy! I don't just mean a little burp, I am talking every time I stand up I can almost say the alphabet ... really, really loudly. 

5. It is amazing what the body can handle - God has created an amazing thing.

6. I am in NO control of my life. Which is probably a good thing.

7. Nurses are angels ... particularily phlebotomists 

8. Your veins can only take so much before they blow up ... literally. 

9. The peace I had throughout treatment can only be described as from the Lord.

10. Hair ... I actually didn't mind being bald. Of course my friends said I had good head for being bald! LOL, which brings me to another point....at some point the hair on your head comes off in your hands but the hair on your arms and legs? One day it's just gone. Where did it go? anyway .....

11. Friends are your lifeline. This is not a solo venture, it requires support (Stuart Scott).

12. The power of prayer is powerful, yet hard to describe.

13. What you think you can't endure, you can ... one day at a time. 

14. Binge watching tv is a real thing!

15. Grocery delivery is a great thing.

16. Falling and breaking your arm in multiple places, requiring surgery, while undergoing chemo really sucked. 

17. Jack, my dog, wasn't really helpful. 

18. Working on your dctorate during chemo may not have been the smartest thing cuz I don't remember what I learned. LOL

19. I was fortunate to be living near my family. I couldn't imagine being alone for this. 

20. Your hair grows back fast, but very patchy. 

Survivor's Guilt

 

    A year ago, Saturday, I had a really good friend pass away from cancer. We have the same name. She was 50 years old. We had been texting and I missed a facetime call with her. She died the next day. Little did I know at the time I also had cancer but didn't know it yet. My experience has been very different than hers. She battled for years, I, for one year. She had uterine cancer, I had breast cancer. She suffered tremendously, I suffered but not nearly as badly as she did. She died, I survived. 

    In talking with my therapist today I realized that I have survivor's guilt. I have been thinking about how loved my friend was, how much she influenced others, and how much she is missed. I think about all the years she could have continued to positively impact others. I think about, why me.....don't get me wrong, I am not having a pity party. I am genuinely processing why God took her home but has left me on earth. I think we all, at some point in our lives, compare ourselves to others or think we aren't as worthy as someone else is.  

    In conjunction with those thoughts, I think about purpose. My purpose. I don't have the physical capacity to do much yet, so I wonder how God is going to use me. This is all I know...God must have a purpose or I wouldn't still be alive. My responsibility is to be faithful and obedient. He has to provide and take care of me, not because I deserve it or have done anything to earn it - I haven't - but because of WHO He is, WHAT He has promised in His Word, and WHAT He has done on the cross. He also plans to still use me because I am still here. 

    As a friend reminded me, God chose to bring Himself glory through my friends' passing but He plans on bringing Himself glory through my living. So I stay faithful to what He has for me now, teaching online, serving people in my circle, and if that is ALL I ever do, that is ok. It is counter-cultural because it isn't big and flashy. But I was reminded that God's ways are higher than mine. I'm not into big and flashy anyway. 

    I watch how God has and continues to provide for me and I stand amazed and in awe.....it has given me peace, confidence, and assurance where there once was panic, fear, and worry. I still do those things, but not nearly as much.

    God will be God and I will work on being faithful and obedient.