Survivor's Guilt

 

    A year ago, Saturday, I had a really good friend pass away from cancer. We have the same name. She was 50 years old. We had been texting and I missed a facetime call with her. She died the next day. Little did I know at the time I also had cancer but didn't know it yet. My experience has been very different than hers. She battled for years, I, for one year. She had uterine cancer, I had breast cancer. She suffered tremendously, I suffered but not nearly as badly as she did. She died, I survived. 

    In talking with my therapist today I realized that I have survivor's guilt. I have been thinking about how loved my friend was, how much she influenced others, and how much she is missed. I think about all the years she could have continued to positively impact others. I think about, why me.....don't get me wrong, I am not having a pity party. I am genuinely processing why God took her home but has left me on earth. I think we all, at some point in our lives, compare ourselves to others or think we aren't as worthy as someone else is.  

    In conjunction with those thoughts, I think about purpose. My purpose. I don't have the physical capacity to do much yet, so I wonder how God is going to use me. This is all I know...God must have a purpose or I wouldn't still be alive. My responsibility is to be faithful and obedient. He has to provide and take care of me, not because I deserve it or have done anything to earn it - I haven't - but because of WHO He is, WHAT He has promised in His Word, and WHAT He has done on the cross. He also plans to still use me because I am still here. 

    As a friend reminded me, God chose to bring Himself glory through my friends' passing but He plans on bringing Himself glory through my living. So I stay faithful to what He has for me now, teaching online, serving people in my circle, and if that is ALL I ever do, that is ok. It is counter-cultural because it isn't big and flashy. But I was reminded that God's ways are higher than mine. I'm not into big and flashy anyway. 

    I watch how God has and continues to provide for me and I stand amazed and in awe.....it has given me peace, confidence, and assurance where there once was panic, fear, and worry. I still do those things, but not nearly as much.

    God will be God and I will work on being faithful and obedient.