I will tell of His kindness

Is. 63:7 NIV

"I will tell of the kindness of the LORD, the deeds for which He is to be praised, according to all the LORD has done for us..."

I am more of a, "glass half empty" type of person. Not that this is something to be proud of, but it is the bent of my personality. So when tough things happen, I usually see the bad, the negative and focus on that. Others often remind me of the good or remind me that God has a plan; that HE is in control, not me or any other person. They point out the good to help me see.

Let me tell you about a lady named Marie. Last summer I had an initial surgery for my jaw that was partially dislocating and causing a lot of pain. Sparing a LOT of details, my insurance refused to pay for it after the fact. I have been fighting them now for 9 months, not getting much help nor winning the battle. I was told there was nothing anyone could do and I had a large debt with no way of paying it.

5 years to the week that my mom passed away this January, a lady named Marie called me. I've never met her nor have I ever spoken to her. She was from the hospital where I had my surgery and was in the patient account services. She "happened" to come upon my account and realized a number of things that were wrong and began fighting for me. 

She didn't need to. She wasn't involved in my case at all. For three months she fought, appealed, found things our insurance did wrong, etc. They would say no they wouldn't pay it and she would say that wasn't acceptable and would continue to fight. 

The Lord knew......

A few weeks ago something happened to change the trajectory of my life again. Hurt, disappointed in myself and others, feeling betrayed and other emotions ran through me. I don't see what God is doing and I don't know what my future holds. Two days after this happened I got a call from Marie........

My entire medical bill has been wiped off the books! A very large sum. There still are a few things that need to be done from their end, but for me....I owe NOTHING. 

God knew .......

Knew that I would need to see Him do something so big that the only answer is, "but God"..... He knew it needed to happen right after this event took place in my life, not before. He knew I would need to know and see that He IS and WILL take care of me. 

My circle of friends have been praying with me at a specific time every day for almost a month about this insurance issue. This is also a testament to their faithfulness in praying and their believe, on my behalf, that God COULD and WOULD answer in His way, and in His time.

God used a women named Marie, who didn't know me or my case. He used friends to pray for and with me for BIG things. He did it in HIS timing when He knew I would need to see His hand the most. I kept wondering why this was dragging on so long.........now, I know.

Why is the timing of Marie's call in January significant? My mom's name......is Marie. 

In the midst of hard......."I will tell of the kindness of the LORD, the deeds for which he is to be praised, according to all the Lord has done for us......."

My Favorite Holiday

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. Not necessarily for what it means. Quite frankly, we should be thankful everyday and tell those we care about why we are thankful for them, more than once a year.

It's because of what it has always represented: food, family/friends, and football - seriously. Those who know me, know that I LOVE to eat good food! Everybody coming home to eat mom's cooking, watch football and take naps. Play outside. My mom's green bean casserole and homemade apple pie. One of my other "mom's" cranberry salad and another "mom's" amazing cooking, shrimp and homemade blueberry pie.  Playing cards for hours! Nothing was open and you just hung out with family and friends. The day after, my mom would get out all of the Christmas stuff and we'd start decorating.

This year, it's a little different. Not sure it's my favorite holiday anymore. Life's experiences change things. This year is the first year I don't have at least one parent to call or be with. New traditions that I thought I'd be starting didn't happen. This is the first year that I can remember, not being either with my family or my other "family's" homes. It's weird. We will all experience something similar at some point in our lives. Somehow I just didn't think it would happen! LOL

Today I cooked for some boys, including my nephew. He couldn't be with his family so I wanted to make it special for him. We have WAY too much food leftover, but had fun making it and hanging out watching football. Well, I did while they napped. Tough being young. I think the monkey bread put us over the edge.

Life has a way of putting things into perspective. I'm learning to not have expectations. To take one day at a time. To trust God has my best interest, and my holiness, in mind. To cherish every time I get to spend with family and good friends. To not worry about ......... that surgery, that bill, what will happen when...., what will happen if...., what about.....you get the picture. Anxiety is my life long nemesis! 

Here are God's deeds this year:

• He has provided me with a good job
• He has provided a safe place to heal
• He has given me sweet friends, near and afar
• He worked out details so I can get a needed surgery
• He provided a great place for my dad
• He has answered some significant prayers for my friends
• He has provided someone really special for my BF
• He has given me daily grace to move forward
• On hard days, He gets me through
• He has given me a great, and very fun staff, to work with
• He has given me a great boss to work with
• He provides for my daily needs

Everything else.....and my future....are in His hands. I, daily, have to trust and choose to trust even if it isn't easy, even if I don't understand, and even if I desire something different.

He is God ..... I am not.  He is good ..... I am inconsistent.  He knows best ..... I do not (even though I think I do). He is worthy ..... of my trust and praise.

Not My Will ...

I was reading a devotional this morning about our “Gethsemanes” in life. It was about Jesus in the Garden and how He agonized over what was to come. In the end, He prayed these words: “Not my will, but yours be done”. Of course He was talking to God. 

The gist of the devotional was about how we all face our own “Gethsemanes” in life. A time where....

• Life doesn’t make sense
• You are overwhelmed
• You are weary of the battle
• You face one battle after another 
• You face death

I read on, waiting for the “how to” section. The, “this will make it easier” section. The, “this will make you feel better” section. You know, I am a list person. Tell me how to do something. Give me the steps to follow. But for PETE’S sake, do NOT tell me that at some point I just “have to” ...

• Forgive
• Forget
• Move on
• Let go
• Trust God
• Believe, have faith

Those steps never came in this devotional. I literally said, out loud, “are you kidding, that’s the end, that’s it”? It ended with the the fact that at some point all God wants to hear is, “not my will but yours be done”. Some of my wills ....

Take my dad home to see mom and Jesus now.

Faster healing from divorce would be great.

Not having physical pain every day would be awesome.

Having my own home again ... now THAT is a big desire.

Not having to worry about money and being able to “retire” some day.

Being closer to my circle of friends and family is a huge desire.

Wanting to have another chance at marriage.

But I was reminded today that Jesus had the biggest “Gethsemane” of all, and He had the power to walk away from it. But He didn’t. Why? Out of obedience to the Father. Out of love for us.

That’s it ..... “not my will, but yours be done”.

It’s not easy. I am no better than anyone else for writing or thinking about this. I don’t do this very well. It’s just that now and then the Holy Spirit nudges me to do something, to think about something, to be reminded of something .... and then to act. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t. Probably more often than not, I don’t. 

Say it, Lori....daily. It will take hold and make its way to your heart.

Refrigerator Friends

I do like a nice refrigerator. Stainless steel, with an ice maker, a water dispenser and fun storage. What I hate about them? That I have to fill them.....by shopping.....and spending money. If someone could just shop for me, cook for me and clean up afterwards, that would be awesome! The other thing is that sometimes it just smells......usually because I've left something in there too long. It's really bad if that's the case when you have people over. It takes awhile to get that smell out too.

I heard the term this week, "refrigerator friends", as living in community was the theme of our Bible conference. Those are people who can walk into your home, open your fridge and make a sandwich.....without asking. Or can say, "wow, something stinks in there!" To be honest, some of my friends ask for the dates on things I have in there before they will eat it!

The question is, do we have "heart refrigerator friends"? Those who are allowed to open our hearts and tell us something is rotten in there. Or can open your heart and know that you are discouraged and try to encourage you. It is only when we live in that kind of community that we can stand strong. It is only through authentic relationships that we can be how God created us to be.

Why did Peter deny Jesus three times? I don't totally know, but I do know that he left when they came to get Jesus from the Garden. The disciples left. Peter followed from a distance and sat in the same crowd that would choose to kill Jesus. He was standing alone when he denied Christ. It's really hard to stand strong when you stand alone. The longer we live like that, in isolation, the easier it becomes.

Who are your "refrigerator friends"? I have some. I have two now in Indiana. I FaceTime weekly with them. We get caught up but also ask and answer the hard questions. We pray for each other and often together. I have one in OH....who has allowed me to love her kids. She is intentional about asking refrigerator - like questions. I have one in CO, one in MI and one in PA. I can't imagine life without them.

Who are yours?

5 Years

Dear Mom,

I was sitting at another funeral today and it dawned on me that in a few months it will be 5 years since you breathed your last breath on earth and breathed your first in Heaven. I really miss you. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you at some point. Especially when I am now back "home" and could have seen you every day.

A lot has happened in these 5 years.

• I've had a few more surgeries. I'm sure that comes as NO surprise to you since you always said I'd be in a wheelchair by age 25, due to the way I played ball! Well, I've made it an extra 25, and although sometimes I wish I could have someone push me around, I'm happy to say that I am still upright.
• I lost Skylar, your Granddog. She was 16. I now have Jack! who is a small Terrier mix. you'd love him. He'd sit in your lap all day.
• Preston graduated from high school and is now at College. You'd be so proud of him. He's at CSU. Wish you were here to watch him play ball.
• Quinten is a senior in HS and wants to be a Pediatric Doctor. Wow, is that kid smart! He takes after you and Scott. You would love his heart!
• Deacon is 14 and a freshman in HS. He LOVES fishing and has his first homecoming date! He is a little version of Scott.
• Lily is 14 and in 8th grade. We wanted her and Deacon to not feel like they were tied at the hip so kept them a year apart in class. She is spunky, beautiful and a great soccer player. She also loves to make things - she has your artistic bent.
• I'm not longer in Ohio. I got married and moved to Va. Sadly, I am now divorced. In some ways I am glad you didn't live to see that. It will be a year Dec. 26 that he divorced me. Maybe when he gets to Heaven you may want to have a "mom talk" with him!
• Dad is MI and we have finally had to put him in full time care. Mom, he never recovered from your passing. None of us expected the timing but he never expected it really and wasn't prepared. Scott and his family have taken great care of him, but we are praying that God allows him to join you soon. He no longer knows who we are.
• Guess where I am now? Back at CSU. I'm the athletic director and women's basketball coach now here. I came here after my divorce and am beginning my second year here. Crazy huh!?
• I see your friend Peggy a lot. She misses you too. I know you've see Dr. Arp up there. Very sad and unexpected.

Well, I am sure there are a lot more things that have happened, but those are the highlights. Oh, remember Kir? She has a boyfriend! I'm sure you'd love that. While I wish you were here, I don't. Because I know you are singing with Jesus. I wish you could tell me they why's of all that I am experiencing. I wonder if God let's you in on stuff like that.

In some ways, 5 years have flown by. In other ways, it has been slow as molasses. I still remember most details of those days in the hospital and after. I still wonder, to this day, if you were trying to say something to Scott and I as we sat with you in hospice. Your eyes caught ours and you mumbled something. We choose to believe God gave you a moment of clarity and knew we were with you. 

I've also started to be a little "crafty", so to speak! LOL  nothing like what you could do, but I think you'd be proud. I've made a few things for my apartment. Makes me think of you. See, it wasn't a waste of time, trying to teach me all that girly, crafty stuff after all!

Mom, love you and miss you. 

Fears and Voices

My Church is doing a series on "How to Be Brave" - pushing back and overcoming our fears. This has been a lifeline struggle for me. One would think that with how competitive I am that I would not allow fears and negative voices keep me from pushing through. 

Courage comes from the battle within our minds. We get weighed down by our thoughts and by the lies we believe. Believing lies is something I have fought my entire life. I have talked often about speaking truth and how that is something I have been learning to do in these last 10 years. Some seasons are harder than others to fight off those demons of lies. 

So, let's talk about the Isrealites. God PROMISED He would lead them to, and give them, the Promised Land. Moses sent 12 spies to go into the land to scope it out and to come back with a plan to go in and take the land. He asked them very specific questions about the land. So in they went and for 40 days they sought answers to those questions.

We know the story, however I have never thought about it in these terms before. They were going to have to go in and fight, but God said He would give the land to them. OK, so just go in and take it, right? What's the problem?

Voices.......voices were the problem. 10 of the spies came back and talked all about how big and strong and fortified the people and land were. They spread fear and a negative report around the camp. So much so that the people of Israel wept and said that it would be better to go back to Egypt and be under the tyranny they had lived under before. Ironic - they cried for a leader to deliver them from Egypt and now they were crying for a leader to take them back. Why? I guess they at least knew what to expect. Their fear paralyzed them. 

Joshua and Caleb saw the same things as the other 10. They saw the problems and challenges, but they also the power and promises of God. "He will lead us.....He will give it to us ....". Perspective was the difference. Because the people listened to the voices of the 10, that generation never saw the Promised Land and wandered for the next 40 years in the wilderness. 

We listen to three voices: those around us (technology), those along side of us (relationships), and those behind us (from our past).  I am challenged, with all the technology around us, to limit how much I am on my phone, watching TV, etc. I have some great relationships around me that speak truth and hope, pray for me and call me on the carpet when needed. I have also eliminated some relationships that did the opposite of that.

The voices I struggle with most are those behind me. "Your a jock; you aren't feminine enough; you are smart enough",  ..... and others I won't share. I am fighting lies of a marriage that destroyed my confidence in a lot ways. I am trying to turn up the voice of God who has promised me/us a lot of things in His word. 

What has God promised you/me? What has He told us to do? IF He promises to lead us, be with us, take care of us, etc. then what is holding us/me back?  

Courage

"There is an Eagle in me that wants to sore, but a hippo in me that wants to wallow in the mud" Carl Sandburg

I'm trying to stop wallowing. I am trying to remember whose I am - I am a Child of God.

A Father's Dream

Today was the first day of a new responsibility for me. It was also the start of one of my dad's dreams ... to have his children, or at least one of them, back at CSU, as Director of Athletics. I think he thought it would be my brother, but alas, right now its the girl! It seems weird and unreal, but here we are. 

I'm not really worthy to follow in my dad's steps. He is an amazing man. Here are some areas that I fall short of my dad's ....

1. Knowing names - my dad remembered everyone he met! That is no lie or exaggeration. He knew you by name and he didn't forget you. I can barely remember my immediate families names!

2. Directions - in no way do I have my father's gift of directional abilities. I am, as they say, directional challenged. My dad would call to check on me if I was driving to visit he and my mom and ask what mile marker I was at! He could tell by that number where I was..... just sick!

3. His ability to make you feel like you were the most important person on earth. If I like you, I can probably make you feel that way!

4. His organizational skills were second to none. For basketball camp he had a massive notebook detailing every minute of the week, every drill and breakdown of those drills. I, on the other hand, have a piece of paper for each day! 

5. My dad's gift of encouragement was killer too. He could make the worst player think they could dunk the ball, even if they couldn't walk and dribble at the same time. 

Here is what I do have - my dad's love of college students, using athletics to build relationships, and his last name. We are getting to a time where the name isn't as recognizable as it once was. So I build on it. I take what I learned from my dad, put my own spin, personality and gifts to it and carry on the family name and the family job. While the gym is named for my dad, I get to coach in it. I also get to make decisions on redesigning it. That's cool.  

So in some ways, my dad's legacy lives on. His kid is the Interim AD at the place he loved. While he no longer has his steel-trapped mind, one day he will know and be proud.

By the way, I also have my dad's uncanny musical ability....and by that I mean it's so uncanny that I can #singall4parts ..... at the same time.