When your desires turn to disasters

What happens when your desires turn into a disaster? Do you remember as a kid having a list of things you wanted or desired to happen in your life? I had quite a few. I wanted to be the best basketball player in college, start as a freshman, be an All-American (sounds pretty vain now - lol), win a National title, get married, have kids, teach, coach, retire young and live my days out on the water in a log cabin. And by log cabin, I don't mean rustic either. Some came true, some didn't; some turned into a disaster.

History is one of my favorite things ever to read about, watch, and learn about. One of my favorite stories in History is about the Titanic. Why? Because of all the "one little things" that could have made a difference between the boat sinking or not. If they would have spent a little more money on the rivets, maybe they wouldn't have blown out. If they had stopped and hit the iceburg head on, instead of turning away from it. If they would have gone a little slower. If they would have listened to the ice warnings. If one man would have not desired to "win the speed" battle. If they would have had a few more lifeboats. There are a lot of "ifs", and of course, "hindsight is 20/20".

It was the biggest, fanciest, and quite possibly the fastest cruise ship to date. They were making good time crossing the Atlantic to dock into New York, but Bruce Ismay wanted to beat the fastest time and urged Captain Smith to go a little bit faster. One man's desire turned into a disaster.

 I grew up with mindset that if I just obeyed God and applied Prov. 3:5-6, that all of those dreams and desires would come to fruition. Of course, that thinking isn't correct and led me down a difficult path for quite awhile. Thankfully, over time, I began to understand who God really is and what a true relationship with Him looks like. Desires and dreams aren't bad. Ultimately, however, it is God who decides what we need to become more like Him and to bring Glory to Him. Because that is what it's about:  becoming more like Jesus - sanctification

But what about when you are given a desire of your heart and it blows up? It turns into a disaster before you've had time to blink. Hindsight is 20/20 and honestly it can be a torture to someone like me who maybe thinks a little too much. What if ..... what if I had asked more questions, what if there was more counseling, what if I had done this different, or that better .... you name it and fill in your own "what ifs".  None of those questions, after the fact, are really helpful. That doesn't mean we don't learn from circumstances, but we can't "live there", in the what ifs. I'm stuck in the what ifs and working my way out.

Sometimes we are the recipients of unfair circumstances. What do we do when we find ourselves in one of those? Joseph didn't deserve to be sold by his brothers, or to be wrongfully accused and thrown into jail. Job didn't deserve to have his entire family and possessions taken from him. Paul and Silas didn't deserve to be beaten, dragged, lied about and thrown into jail. What did they do?

Joseph stayed faithful and praised Jesus.
Job praised Jesus.
Paul and Silas praised and worshiped Jesus.

When faced with unfair or painful circumstances the only way to adjust was to take their eyes off of their circumstances and onto Jesus. Change one's perspective. Worship your way out of those circumstances. We have NO control over circumstances, but we do have control over how we respond. This, of course, is nothing new and I am writing to the choir. But I need the reminder right now, and so I write as a member of the choir.

Step back and remember that there is a God in Heaven, who died for us and gave us His Grace when we didn't deserve it, that He has us in His hands and will get us/me where He wants me when He wants me there. ( I stole this )  Worshiping in the painful moments gives God the chance to change me - set me free from disappointment and pain.

God may give us the desires of our hearts, but without Him in all the "little things", the desire and dream may turn into a disaster. When it does,

Step Back
Worship
Get perspective

I am reminded, by a friend, to keep doing out of obedience, the little things:  read God's Word, listen to good worship music, pray,  keep talking to friends who are walking with me - at some point, the heart will follow the head. Those things will take root and God will heal.

EPILOGUE:  While worshiping and singing, God broke Paul and Silas's chains, leading to them leading the jailer and his family to Jesus; this family becoming part of the first church written about in Philippians. Joseph was used to save an entire nation from famine. Job was given double of what he lost, god blessed him and he lived a long life.

The jailer brought pain into their lives and they brought grace into his.   (yeah, to be honest, I'm not there yet, but hope to be. Why? Because God gave me Grace - the most undeserving - and I am to extend that grace)

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

 Anybody remember this movie from the late 60's? Clint Eastwood and friends are searching for stolen gold during the American Civil War. Lots of shooting and everything else that is in a good western.

 If only life were like a good movie, a Hallmark if you will. But it isn't. I am in no way comparing life to this movie. I am just stealing the words: the good, the bad and the ugly. THAT is real life. There's good stuff, not so good stuff, and then downright crappy stuff.

I have written a lot about the good and bad, and how to have a proper outlook and perspective...or what I've learned or am learning through them. However, I've never really written about the ugly. Why? Who knows....maybe I don't want to be that transparent; maybe I don't want platitudes; and maybe people will think I want attention ( I don't ). But I'm a blogger .... so I blog.

Here's the ugly.  Life sucks right now. Trying to pick up the pieces of broken promises, a broken heart that says no one will ever hurt me again, ever; of a very weary soul. Actually, I'm not sure I'm really trying to pick them up right now. They are just laying there. Watching as our family makes the ultimate decision to have others care for our dad, who has absolutely no memory of us anymore. I feel like the Psalmist who cries out to God and asks where He is and asks him to hear his voice.  Why does He seem silent? Why can I read verses and not even comprehend what I'm reading? Why does He seem to be answering all my friend's requests and not mine? Why can I barely pray? Not because I don't want to, but because I don't know what to say or ask for anymore. Just going through the motions has me weary and slightly freaking out.

I've heard life comes down to choices. We choose to love, choose to forgive, choose to hold a grudge, choose to hate, choose joy .... you name it. Not based on feelings. Well, there ARE feelings involved; true, raw feelings. So what do we do?  Invest in others, read our Bibles anyway, go to Church anyway; listen to good music; remind ourselves of God's truths. What if that isn't working, then what? I don't know. Maybe that will be another blog. For now I am reminded of the song: "Eye of the Storm";

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm
Mmm, when my hopes and dreams are far from me, and I'm runnin' out of faith
I see the future I picture slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus' name

In the eye of the storm (yeah, yeah)
You remain in control (yes you do, Lord)
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me (Your love surrounds me)
In the eye of the storm (in the eye of the storm)

Right now they are just words, yet they are Truth.

So, maybe not the feel - good post or funny posts I am usually known for. However, an honest one. Life isn't always funny and there aren't always "happy" endings. I can't wait until there is - when Jesus returns.

Did they ever find the gold at the end of the movie?  I have no idea!

Apartment Living

So I made a list tonight ... I have moved and lived in 17 different places over the years. I have rented 15 of them and I've owned one home. This is my first apartment .... and it looks nothing like the above picture. I live in a building with 4 apartments, on the top floor.

I'm not going to lie ... I miss my house. I miss the landscaping! I miss cutting my grass (I think!) I miss playing my music as loud as I want to and not worrying about others being able to hear it. I miss OWNING my own home. I miss deciding to paint a wall and not having to ask permission. I miss paying a mortgage, knowing my check was going back into my home, instead of flushing it ... Yes, I have been feeling sorry for myself some. 

Here is what I DON'T miss about owning my home ... having to replace a sump pump - twice; shoveling my own sidewalk and stairs when it snows. I don't miss being responsible for anything that broke. I don't miss having to replace an entire sidewalk! I don't miss people parking on my grass!

Here is what Jack has taught me in the different places I have lived or stayed temporarily these past two years ... it doesn't matter where you actually LIVE. All he cared about was whether I was with him. It took him a couple of days to adjust each time, but then it was as if he had been there forever. He didn't care, as long as I was there. Now I don't have a human like Jack does, but I do have a lot.

I have ... a place to live. I like it a lot. It was was renovated so everything inside is brand new. I have a family. I have friends here. I have a good job. I work with great people. I have a great support system and friends at a distance. I have someone else that will cut the grass, fix stuff that breaks and shovel the driveway. 

See, Jack doesn't care where he lives because he isn't attached to a place. He is attached to a person ... me. I am trying not to care either ... why?  because a lot of people don't have what I have. But mostly because I am attached to Jesus, so wherever I go, He goes. It might take me time too adjust ( longer than jack! ), but Jesus is there with me, so it's going to be OK.

Oh, and I have a BATHTUB again!

March and other Madness

If we wonder why it's called "March Madness", you only had to watch Villanova and Wisconsin play today. In fact, there are 20 seconds left and a tied game! It's madness. In fact, Nova just lost and I had them going to the Final Game! Bracket buster ....

Other then the NFL season, March Madness, for me, is the next best athletic season ever! Bracket busters, Cinderella stories, first time teams (Northwestern), feel-good stories, last second shots that go in, and last second shots that don't, family brackets and trash talking, work brackets and pools. Technology has made this time of the year even more fun with apps, immediate notifications, and of course, the ability to watch a game on your phone while you are in a meeting. You know we have all done it, so don't judge!

This is one of those times when that old coach's saying of, "any team can win on any given night", actually comes true. It's also a time where we actually see grown men cry and women screaming at the TV.  My Cindarella story? Northwestern. I didn't pick them to get past the round of 32, but I would love it if they did. 

In other madness ..... if you didn't hear by now, we set a snow record here in Clarks Summit this week. We had over 30 plus inches of snow. All of it pretty much in a 24 hour period of time. Not gonna lie, I enjoyed the 3 days off from school that it afforded us. My nephew was at my house and since we got snowed in, we played Wii games! In fact, I was so sore after the first night that I had to "rest up"! LOL  Clarks Summit had a travel ban for two days. Not that anyone wanted to go out. It was madness. My one attempt out landed me in a ditch. Good thing some nice guys pulled me out with a chain and pick up truck.

In other news ..... the Lord continues to build my trust and faith in Him. I joke a lot recently about not wanting to "adult" anymore. In reality, sometimes that is true. However, in what seems like a long season of disappointments and hurt, God continues to meet me where I am, provide for me in some crazy ways, and shows me glimpses of light.

My favorite march madness, Charles Barkley commercial......."Snakes on a Plane".

http://www.adweek.com/brand-marketing/samuel-l-jackson-charles-barkley-and-spike-lee-eat-steaks-on-a-plane-for-capital-one/

Lessons Learned and Still Learning

Here are some lessons I've learned over the years:

• I am horrible at directions! 
• When cooking: LOW and SLOW .... low and slow
• You CAN talk yourself out of a speeding ticket - just sayin.
• You don't HAVE to separate your laundry.
• You can go at least a few miles over what your car says when it says you have 0 left.
• Hearing a dog start the process of vomiting will get you out of bed quicker than anything!
• Dog's vomit is disgusting!
• I have NO rhythm .... none .... at all, but wish I did.
• Having a niece and nephews is the BEST THING EVER!
• I LOVE the beach - not sure that is a lesson, but ... 
• Small dogs take up a LOT of room on a bed.
• I have a problem with all things, "as seen on tv".
• I can "sing all 4 parts".

But I digress....I am sure there are a lot more and these are just the fun ones. The not so fun ones have lasting effects that have been life-changing. It also seems that the hard ones have to be re-taught and re-learned, or reminded of, regularly - at least for me.

Here are two that I am relearning this week.

1. I may not have any of the "big" addictions - drugs, sex or alcohol. But I have some, one in particular that I use when faced with tough times. Shopping 

As posted above, I love "As Seen On TV" stuff! I love gadgets! So some of my buying is a legit love for gadgets, etc. But in all honesty, when I am struggling I buy things. Why? Because new things make me happy. Because it puts me in control. Because it makes me feel good for awhile and I can forget the crap going on in life.

But as always, new things become old and then I have to buy again to get the same affect. Which is where my addiction comes in to play. I know this. So my goal this month is to buy NOTHING that I don't absolutely need.

2. The other thing that I was reminded of this week, is that I am a person who suffers some from anxiety. In the past 10-12 years I have worked on this with friends and Jesus and am a lot better with dealing with things that make me anxious. But it tough times it tends to rear its ugly head.

It reared it's head this week, I became anxious and reverted back to worrying, etc. The next day I read an article a friend posted on FB about loving people with anxiety and steps you can take, basically being friends with people with anxiety, etc. Then this thought hit me.....

     I have a responsibility to help myself. It does not fall on my friends, family, etc. to do all the work and "steps". 

By help myself, I mean relying on the Holy Spirit to speak truth to my spirit, to count to 10 and say, "Jesus help me", to reading scripture and sometimes, to just tell myself to STOP IT. Not easy, takes work and is hard. But worth it. Worth it for me, worth it for my friends and family, and worth it for my relationship with God.

I do, however, have a lot of nice shoes and sneakers! : )

Scars

I have been thinking a lot lately about scars. Visible ones, invisible ones, ones that slowly, with time become less visible, and yet are always there to remind us of something.  Some that have a date attached to it, that once every year, we are reminded of something that happened, good or bad, someone we lost, some victory we experienced or just something we celebrate. 

Some scars we received because we were young and dumb! or just the normal scars you get for being a kid. I have a lot of those! I have scars on my chin, my eye, my head and my wrist - all from just being a kid - or the sister of a brother who inflicted a couple of those scars! Over time, these scars lesson in visibility because of the way the body heals wounds, but they are almost always still visible.

We have scars from surgeries. The older we get, we begin to "fall apart" and often times need the invention of surgery to repair parts that have torn, bones that have broken, discs that have exploded - you name it. I have some of those too. When all is said and done, both of these types of scars will leave us changed forever. Either we will always have a scar that has marred our physical appearance, or because of a needed surgery, out body will never be the same - because what God originally made has had to be altered in some way physically. It just doesn't work the same. Trust me, I know!

There are also scars caused by just living life. We all have them. These are scars that can't be seen. They are invisible - mental or emotional scars. They are scars we can keep hidden from others. Pain that we can protect by keeping hidden. In order to really deal with them, however, we have to reveal them to others. We have to re-open a wound that we have been protecting or hiding, in order to eventually heal from them. This seems like a contradiction. In order to heal from a hidden wound, we must re-open it - allow it to bleed again, allow the air to hit it and be exposed for others to see it. We have to allow God's truth speak to those scars; both His Word and through people He uses to walk through life with us. 

This is where it gets messy too. All wounds are messy. I remember a few years ago trying to open a can of beans. My thumb was cut by the jagged edge of the can. It was a bloody mess. In order to get it to heal, I had to go to a Dr. and have her clean it and stitch it. The Dr. had to get involved in my mess in order to help the mess heal. In the same way, we have to get involved in other's mess, and allow them to be in our mess. We will get "bloody" in the process. But as we walk the path with someone, we also get to experience the power of the Holy Spirit, the power of prayer and the joys of being a part of the healing process. In turn, we are stronger. Stronger in our faith, stronger on our prayer lives, and more resilient in our ability to take on challenges.

The ability of the body to heal itself is amazing and in some ways, mysterious. In the same way, I see the healing of life's wounds just as mysterious, accept for this fact:  we have Jesus. How do we "heal" from the death of a loved one, a bad diagnosis, abuses, addictions, estranged friends or family members, divorce, etc. Time helps, but aside from Jesus, I have NO idea how anyone faces these kinds of things - without the hope that He brings, the love and care of those people He chooses to help walk through it with us, and the gift of the Holy Spirit - I couldn't do it.

Others need this hope - others need me - others need you - but ultimately, they need Jesus.

All wounds will leave us scarred. Some scars will be with us forever, and some will fade. This is my recent scar 

in time it will fade and not be visible at all, physically. But for now it is visible. I am no longer married as my husband has divorced me. I do not add this in here for anyone to feel sorry for me. I share it because it is life, it is a part of my life now. I also share it because God is still good. He is in the business of healing and using these scars to help others. I'm not ready yet for that. However, I know someday I will be. I also share this because there is a circle of trust and friends who got messy with me; who have and still are, loving me through it, praying me through it, encouraging me through it. Why? because it is what we do as followers of Christ - when we "sign up" to be authentic friends with others, we sign on for this - the good, the bad and the ugly/messy.

In the end we are a part of the scars of others as agents used of God to help heal the wounds.

Be an agent.

Insomnia

This is so me right now! (insert emoji) Drives me nuts! 

So here are some scientifically proven ways to help you sleep at night:

• Cool your room down - 64 degrees is best. THAT is what I'm talking about! I LOVE sleeping in a cold room. Not so sure Jack is a fan, but he will adjust.
• Hide your clock.  Yep I get that and need to do it. I am constantly looking at it.
• Wear socks to bed.  I have no idea who came up with this and it seems to contradict #1.  I am NOT about to do this one. I am breaking out in sweat just thinking about it.
• Scent your room with lavender.  I've heard this to be true.
• Immerse your face in very cold water for 30 seconds.  Assuming this is true, and you can hold your breath for 30 seconds, I can see how this might be helpful in cooling your body temp. down.
• Blow bubbles.  Hmmmm.....this is the most bazaar. I am picturing laying in bed dipping my bubble maker into bubbles and blowing bubbles, while Jack is barking - therefore ending my sleeping.

On a serious note, my church is addressing this topic for a few weeks. Some of these things are not new and seem very common sense to followers of Jesus. However, we still struggle with falling asleep at night......well, some of us anyway. I have a friend who is probably out by the time her head hits the pillow! Drives me crazy that she can sleep like that!  :)

Often, lack of peace, causes lack of sleep.  Attention drives emotion - what I give attention to will often drive how I feel about something, negatively or positively. This is often my problem at night. I replay things that have happened; I have quiet conversations in my head, often yelling or arguing with someone. I remember and think about difficult times or sad times in my life. Why? I don't know.....

Sometimes the difference between sleep and insomnia is perspective. How I see something; how I view a situation; how I choose to focus my attention. This is nothing new: we can focus around, in or upward. Sometimes it is ok to look around us or in us. There are times for that. But more ever, especially right now, I need to focus on Jesus, and that is not always easy to do. I get mad at circumstances, people who have hurt me, injustice around me. 

I need to remember, that all of that is temporary, Jesus is in control, this is not my home. I need to focus on others, driving them by my words and actions, to Jesus; have a perspective of eternity; love others like Jesus did and does. My hope is in Him. My eternity is with Him.

So, I can be obsessed with thoughts, depressed by them or at rest - with knowing God's got this.

Ps. 73:25-26  In Christ, we have a treasure in this life that this world cannot match and that death cannot take away.

Ps 73:23-24 "....and afterward you will take me into glory."

Ps 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

nap time.....