Double Nickels

 

To be honest, I have never spent a lot of time thinking about breast cancer awareness month. The disease has touched some friends of mine, but never me directly. I'm sad to say that it took me getting cancer to make me more aware of its devastation. When people talk about "chemo brain" or "metallic taste", I get it now. When they talk about a tired that can't be explained or slept away, I get it. 

This past week I have reached the halfway point in my chemo treatments. It's hard. However, my support system has been praying and so far I have not had any other of the potential symptoms. That's not to say I won't, but so far I have not. I have 8 more chemo treatments, surgery, radiation, and second surgery. So there is still a long road ahead. Yesterday, after meeting with my plastic surgeon, I got mad. Mad to have gotten cancer, mad that I still don't have a full-time job, mad that I'm bald, and mad that I am making life-altering decisions alone. 

Today I heard a song ..... Goodness of God

     I love you, Lord

     For your mercy never failed me

     All my days, I've been held in your hands

     From the moment that I wake up

     Until I lay my head

     Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

     And all my life you have been faithful

     And all. my life you have been so, so good

     With every breath I am able

     Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

     I love your voice

     You have led me through the fire

     And in darkest night You are close like

     no other

     I've known you as a Father

     I've known you as a Friend

     And I have lived in the goodness of God!

     All my life you have been faithful, oh

     And all my life you have been so, so good

     With every breath that I am able

     Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

     Cause your goodness is running after, it's 

     running after me

     Your goodness is running after, it's running after me

     With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now

     I give you everything

     Cause your goodness is running after,

     it's running after me.

     And all my life you have been faithful

     And all my life you have been so, so good

     With every breath that I am able

     Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God.

It's hard to think of God as being good during these days. But I am determined to keep looking for the good. Sometimes it is just a beautiful day that I can look out at my view of a lake - well, really it's just a pond! Or walk Jack, or go to lunch with a nephew or niece. Other times it is realizing that God has kept me from some awful symptoms of chemo, had provided a part-time job of teaching, provided a great team of doctors, and provided an apartment for me for 11 months. I am blessed with a great support system and chocolate ice cream still kind of tastes like chocolate ice cream!

On a side note, we are getting closer to putting together my dissertation proposal! Oh, and I should take out stock in rice and ice cream. 

Double nickels - I turned 55 today

     

The Power of Words

Words ... we use them hourly, daily ... they often fly off of our tongues without much forethought. I wonder if we really thought about them before speaking, how that might change what we say. Words have the power of life and death. That is a responsibility we/I should take a lot more seriously than we often do.

I was talking with my therapist last week about this. We were talking through things that have been said to me in the past and how I can't forget them and how, not only hurtful they were/are, but also how they control me still today. They control what I think and feel about myself. It is no wonder that God speaks so much about the tongue and being slow to speak ... and to anger ... as this is what often is the precursor to our hurtful words. 

I think this can be true of words NOT spoken as well. A simple hello, or how are you doing, or an I love you, goes a long way to soothe a spirit. Words not spoken can often have just as much of a hurtful impact as those spoken. Or maybe that's just me. 

How do we combat the negative words? Well, it isn't easy and there is no quick fix. I like quick fixes and don't like the work it takes to change the effects of words spoken in anger or spite. My therapist often reminds me that it isn't going to be all better after one week of work. Well, that's annoying, to be honest! 

Think about that: one word spoken in anger often takes a lifetime to work through. It requires "changing the script". Here's what happens: we play those words over and over in our minds and they become a part of who we are or what we feel and think about ourselves. It becomes second nature. We often become those words.

Re-writing the script is hard work. It requires time and effort. It requires speaking truth to ourselves over and over again, truth that is found in God's word and truth that is just a reality of life. Maybe that truth is that the other person is incapable of something. Maybe it is the truth of "hurt people, hurt people. More than those things, it is the truth about what God says about me. I/we are made in the image of God Himself - He pursues us - He loves us - He is mindful of us - He searches and knows us - we are the apple of His eye - He is concerned about us, and we are His cherished bride.

Replace hurtful words with a different script and speak that script to ourselves when those hurtful words pop into our minds - because they will. Why? Because Satan would rather have us stuck in those words than living a life of freedom found in the truth of God's love for us.

"The tongue of the wise brings healing" Prov. 12:18

Count to 10 before speaking .....

Willingly ...

A friend of mine texted me this morning and said something that I thought was extremely profound. As I enter into treatment #2, she said, "I know its hard to willingly subject yourself to something you know will make you feel like crap."

Really, what a profound statement. As I sit here, I am willingly allowing chemicals to be introduced into my body that will make me really sick. All in an effort to kill some bad cells. Ironic, isn't it? One day I was planning my future ... applying for jobs ... and the next, with no warning I am sitting in a doctor's office being told that I have cancer. All stop.

One day Job was living the life of "Old Testament luxury" - kids, flocks, money, houses - no sickness. The next day, all of it was gone. We don't know exactly what Job was doing when he started getting bad news, but we know that he received bad news after bad news ... four times ... without any time to process one thing before the next thing came. 

On a side note, I was NOT living a life of luxury when I received my news! LOL But I digress ...

Through all of this: losing his kids, his flocks, and his servants, Job did not sin. He actually shaved his head, bowed down and worshipped God. Wait, what? Really? How in tune with Jesus he must have been to be able to do that. Even when God allowed Satan to cause him physical pain, he did not sin. There is a lot more in the book of Job that I do not profess to understand fully. He was abandoned by his family and friends, received bad advice from friends, and lamented to God his plight. He was rebuked by God and repented. After all of this God gave back to Job everything he lost two-fold. 

God doesn't choose to bless us because of anything we have done. He also doesn't necessarily allow harm to us because of anything bad we have done. Job was a man of integrity and righteous before God, yet God allowed suffering. What did Job gain from this suffering? A deeper understanding and relationship with God. 

Lessons: (I stole these as I was reading about Job)

1. God used Job's story to teach his friends, wife, and us a lot about His character, suffering, and the human heart.

2. Suffering is not always related to wickedness but is just part of life.

3. Suffering can bring rewards and even joy.

4. God is worthy of our worship no matter what.

Back to my original point: it often takes the bad, hard, and painful to make us physically well again. This is true spiritually as well. If often takes hard and painful things to weed out things in our lives that are keeping us from truly worshipping and knowing God at a deeper level.

On a side note ... if I get boils I may use profanity! 

Job 12:10 "In His hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of mankind."

"What is your Job, Lori?

I am a college professor - it is what I do - what I love - and what God has gifted me for. I LOVE college students! They give me energy. I love having them in my office hanging out, or in my home. I love the classroom where we talk about sports, life, and how to use their sports degree to share Christ. I love the "ah-ha" moments they have. I just love teaching college kids.

In His sovereignty, God brought me to MI two years ago without a full-time job. As I have waited for the next thing I have been able to teach online which has been a blessing. It has allowed me to connect with students, although in a very different format, and stay up to date in my field while pursuing my doctorate.

It was time to apply for jobs and enter the classroom again, or so I thought. I entered the interview process with a potential college and felt sure that this was the one! Then it happened.....I became a statistic. 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer in their lifetime. Well, I became the 1.

Back in December, I entered counseling to work through some things. I don't believe I would have been as prepared to face this new challenge had I not done that. Trust me, I'm still not sure I am doing it all that well! But better than I would have.

Which brings me back to the present moment ... I have had, what feels like, a million appointments and procedures and now, my first treatment. Nothing can prepare you for this. So when meeting with my counselor this week, I told her I feel like I am wasting my time and not accomplishing anything. As only she can do, she gently asked me what my job was. Once I figured out what she meant, and then telling her to shut up :) I said, "to get better, my job is to get better".

It pays nothing, in fact, quite the opposite, but it is my current job. For the first time in my life, it actually FEELS like a JOB. What I mean is that my profession doesn't really feel like a job because I love it. THIS .... THIS feels like a job. It's hard, painful, exhausting, and not fun at all. It's expensive, sometimes isolating, with no guaranteed outcome.

I am learning that praise and thanksgiving are what allows my heart to receive God's peace.

This, this is my job: to get better.

Friday - Saturday - Sunday

This is a unique time in our world today and, the first time in my life that I will not be in a physical church service celebrating Jesus' resurrection. It makes it no less poignant, however. Part of my worship this morning was done alone, in my room, watching and engaging with my church online. Another part of it was sitting with my family while they engaged with their church online. We then sat around the table as a family but missing the heads of our home.

You see, they are celebrating with the angels in Heaven where their faith has been made sight. In my wildest imagination, I cannot fathom or envision what that is like. To be singing those songs we sang today in the presence of the Holy One. I long for that day.

As I was scrolling through social media the other day, I ran across some words a friend wrote about  Friday-Sunday. I thought I'd try and put my own thoughts to them. (on an aside, Friday through Sunday is not a full three days in the grave for Jesus. I have always wondered why we celebrate the way we do when He died earlier than Friday. I am sure some theologian will set me straight!)

But taking those three days and putting some words to what those around Jesus were experiencing can be helpful in processing my own stuff. Maybe. I hope!

I look at these three days as "seasons" where each day carries its own thoughts, circumstances, emotions, and fears. I imagine some of those for the disciples and other followers of Jesus might look like this:

Friday - overwhelming, hard, painful, emotional, fighting, beaten down, betrayed, abandoned.

Saturday - recovering but not revived, processing, quiet, waiting, confused, hopeful but uncertain.

Sunday - full of life, restored, confident, victorious

In my most recent circumstances of life, I have just come out of another Friday and am sitting in a Saturday. I am recovering from some of life's most painful experiences, am processing with a counselor, and am hopeful but uncertain. I don't know how God will choose to allow this to play out. I am spending a lot of time quietly waiting, confused as to why this is taking so long. When will I get a job, my own place, friends (yes, I have some great ones, just not where I live), a chance for a life-partner again (maybe I won't). When will I "feel" like I am in a good place with Jesus, desiring to be more like Him and devouring His Word. When will I feel normal, secure, and settled again?

Here's the thing: I KNOW Sunday is coming. Those that were following Jesus through those days SHOULD have known but didn't understand fully. I do. Jesus DID rise from the dead. This restored the faith and confidence of those around Him at the time.

So, Sunday will come for me, and you, too. I just don't know when. Because I know this to be true, it gives me hope and confidence that this too shall pass. I will be stronger and more like Jesus as long as I continue to sit, quietly, waiting for His work to be done in me through this Saturday. He was preparing His disciples for their Sunday....to go and spread the gospel.

Saturdays are hard.

Sunday is coming.

It's Not Suppose To Be This Way

Dear Dad,

I remember the moment God took you to Heaven. It was in the very early hours of the morning as Scott and I sat by your bed, holding your hands, as we watched the life leave your eyes. We knew at that very second you were no longer with us, but with the two loves of your life: Jesus & Mom. Your heart still beat for a little while longer, but it too eventually came to a slow and gentle stop. What a heart-breaking/wrenching, life-altering moment for us. What a life-healing, eternity changing moment for you.

In some ways, it seems like a long time ago. But at other times, it feels like yesterday. Gosh, we miss you so much. Your kindness, loyalty, your smile when you'd see us, how your face shined with love when you talked about mom, your example of how to care for those you love, your love and example of how to live for Jesus, and your encouragement. I even miss that dang story you told hundreds of times after mom died! : )

Scott, Steve, and I are ok. We still grieve you and mom, laugh about habits you had or things you guys did, cry because you are gone. Its been a really hard year and we sure could have used your advice and never-ending encouragement and positive outlook on life. But, we have that example to follow now.

We could not have asked for better parents. You weren't perfect - LOL - but you were ours and we are taking what you have taught us and hopefully continuing the legacy of loving God, loving others, humbly serving, while we wait to see you both again.

Today is another one of those "it shouldn't be this way", milestones or anniversaries. But I/we have the hope and assurance that we will see you and mom again because of Jesus. Until then ....

It shouldn't be this way, but because it is right now, we live in hope and anticipation of God making all right again when He comes back.

I love you.

"Your Words Were in the Driving"

Quite a few years ago I began to understand what true Christian community was. My only real experience up until then was a community of people who acted like they had their stuff together and never really lived messy lives together. I heard a lot of "preaching" but not a lot of authenticity.

I began a friendship where this friend became, "Jesus with skin on", to me. Someone who was not afraid to get in the messiness of where I was at and do life alongside me. Someone who was honest and authentic and didn't pretend they had everything together. This set the tone for me to then experience more relationships like this.

I have a group of 6 girlfriends, who at one time, did life together in the same location. We are now all over the place. But we have committed to encourage, pray for each other, and get together on a regular basis (as much as that is possible). There is nothing like being able to be honest with each other, share our stuff, and pray for each other and sometimes all together when we are able. There is no pretending in our group. We hold each other accountable for things. So much so that sometimes I want to tell them to stop! : )

Two weeks ago I had another friend, not of this group, call me and say they needed me. So I went down South to see her, encourage and just hang out with her. As I was sharing with someone where I was going, I told them I didn't know how much I helped, as I just mostly listened. My friend's words back to me have been in my mind a lot lately, "your words were in your driving".  To me, this was profound. I often think I have to have the right words to say, or think I am not the most eloquent person around. I tend to compare myself with others that I think are wise and always say the right things.

But here's the thing.....people don't need us to always say something. Most of the time, they just want to know that someone will be there when they need them, or that they will listen. You can tell me all the right things, but if you aren't willing to get into the mess with me, then your words don't mean much. I would much rather you sit with me and listen, or just be there. We have all heard that actions speak louder than words. It's true.

Who needs you to be Jesus with skin on? Who needs your words to be in your driving? Until we are willing to get involved in each other's lives and do messy, we will not experience true and authentic Christian community.