Vice

Miami Vice comes to mind when I see this picture. You know, the show from the 80's with Don Johnson in his white suits and open shirt to his naval!  Yeah, you remember! Well, that's not who I am referring to with this post. I am referring to the things we use to hold ourselves together, so to speak. 

This kind of vice. Something with two ends, when squeezed together it holds something in place, something together, until on it's own it can stand alone.

We all have them. Things we use to keep us together during tough times. Things to hold us together while we heal or can stand on our own. Things we do to make ourselves feel better. Here's a few:

Eating
Drinking
Shopping
Sex
Drugs
Gambling 
Cleaning
Perfectionism 

The list can go on ..... what is yours?

Mine is shopping. "Retail therapy" as we call it. I'm not talking about buying things for family or friends. Giving gifts is one of my love languages. I'm not even talking about things I need. I'm talking about suddenly seeing something being advertised that I NEED! Or that's cool, or fun looking, or ... you name it, I'll find a reason to get it. There are a few times when it has gotten me into financial difficulty, where I had to ask for some accountability. 

I shop and buy things because it makes me feel good. But here's the thing:  it's temporary. I have to buy again to get that same feeling. Like drugs, you have to keep taking it to feel good and at some point you become immune so you have to take more. My shopping is not THAT bad :) However, you get my point. It's a good thing I now live in an apartment and not a house! I really don't have the room for anything else. Ha Ha

My newest attempt at trying to feel better ... online dating site. In a vulnerable moment I decided to try it. Now for those of you who have done it, have friends who have met their spouse that way, I am all good with that and not saying it's a bad thing.  It's just not for me. Not the way I want to find someone - if God has that for me again.

The issue is, why did I do it. Quite frankly, and I am not proud of it, but I needed to see if anyone would be interested. When you go through a divorce it plays with you in lots of ways and it has played with my confidence some. So the "smiles" and "likes" made me feel good. For awhile anyway.  After a few days, I couldn't do it anymore and stopped. Here's the thing: their smiles and likes are based on a photo and some words I wrote. That's it. They don't know me and who I really am. Anyone can say anything and can look like you match based on how you both answered questions. My point is it gives you a false sense of confidence.

It pushes me back to Jesus. At least I am trying to let it. God is the only one who can give me confidence, security, joy, etc. He never breaks HIS promises. He loves me for who I am - good thing because He created me to be who I am. He loves me for who He sees I can be, in Him, through Him and for Him.

This is where community comes in as well. But we don't like to ask for help because it means being vulnerable. Telling someone our vice. Admitting we can't do something alone. Admitting we need help. While I am careful with whom I ask, I am not above asking for that kind of community anymore. I need it. We need it. So if you have a vice you need to deal with, ask for help. Ask for accountability. But most importantly, look to Jesus. 

The "My Pillow" ... best thing I have ever bought! Seriously. 
The "Body Pillow" ... worst thing I've ever bought! Not that it isn't good, but it is not like the picture they show on TV. It's not the same size. It's not as fluffy, and it doesn't make me feel like I am being cuddled by a pillow!

Lesson From a Wolf Pack

 I love animals, and I especially love dogs! I feel like there is a lot to learn from them. My brothers and I grew up with a German Shepherd named Heidi. She was the best! When it came time for me to get one of my own, I chose a shepherd/husky, and named her Skylar. Within a few years, as I was driving to work, I saw a puppy on the side of the road. Of course, I stopped, grabbed her and the rest was history. She was a German Shepherd, I named Chloe.

It was like having two kids, who fought (even drawing blood at times), cuddled on the bed together, hung out in the yard and cost me A LOT of money over the years. Each had their own personalities and quirks. Skylar had the independence of a husky and Chloe was my shadow and protector that is inbred in shepherds. I had Skylar for 16 and Chloe for 11 years. 

I now have a small mutt! named Jack. He is a breed of Terrier and even though I am a big dog person, he has captured my heart.  Here are a few things I've learned from my dogs:

• They love us unconditionally
• They will trust us until we give them reason not to
• They have a sense about people and will let us know right away if they like them or not
• They are incredibly loyal
• They will greet us with extreme excitement even if we left for two minutes
• If we yell at them, they forget about it in a minute
• They are completely dependent on us

I decided to study wolves today. 4 things we can learn from them:

1. Teamwork:  there is always a boss, steady hunters, caretakers and scouts. Everyone has a role to play. Sometimes the leader will step back and another from the pack will step up to lead in their area of ability. They also embrace new members to their pack.
2. Play:  they will take time to play as a part of their daily routine. It energizes them, stimulates creativity and collegiality.
3. Loyalty:  they are loyal to their pack.
4. Communication:  they had many types of communication. They bark to warn, whimper to show submission, growl to warn of danger or show dominance, and howl to keep the pack together or to locate others from a distance.

I think of a couple of my "packs"; a circle of friends and my work pack. Each pack has a main leader, while others step up at different times. Each has caretakers. Each person has a role, gifts and strengths they bring to the pack. In times of their weaknesses, others step in to support. Each pack likes to have fun and "play"; laughter, celebrating milestones of each other, or just hang out. My packs are loyal. Each pack communicates in different ways; impromptu "meetings", emails, texts, Face Time, pack meetings, or times of prayer together. In some ways we are dependent on each other at times. Sometimes we communicate as packs and other times as individuals within the pack. My work pack is changing some and we will add a new pack member, while losing another. I am sure this will change the dynamics some, however, like a wolf pack, we will embrace the new member and what they bring to the pack.

Think of your packs......and how you can use some of the above characteristics to work better together, relate better, love better, encourage better and grow better within your packs.

I love my packs.

Jack

 Heidi

 Chloe

Skylar

"For the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack" - Rudyard Kipling

Little Seed & Little Fox

Leave it to a silly children's book to speak to me and make me cry. Leave it to one of my friends to pick this book to read to her kids before bedtime, while in the back of her mind, picking it for me. I have taken a mental health week to sort through all that has and is happening to me these past 2 years. In this week I have met for extended periods of time with a trusted counselor, spent hours alone reading, thinking and praying in the quiet country; spent some time with some sweet friends, and hanging out some with two of the sweetest kids I know. That in itself has been good for my soul.

Back to the book ..... I had the honor to babysit the kids of my friends so that they could go on a date. I think it's the most I have smiled in one clump of time all year. Ohhhhh the conversations with a 3 & 6 year old! Ohhhh the adventures of bedtime rituals and silliness because they were tired. : )

I had two books to read to them that their mom picked out. So, we got their PJ's on, snacks ready to eat, blankets, and went to the couch to read.

Little seed was a literal seed in a packet of seeds who was comfortable in there with all his seed friends. Little fox was a literal fox who was scared of the outside, the wind, and dark shadows. He made his way into the barn where Little seed was. Little seed fell out of the packet and became friends with Little fox. Fast forward some and the farmer found Little seed and said he had a plan for him, and assured him that "it would be ok". He took Little seed and planted him in the ground. He was sad, dirty and lonely. Little fox was sad too, looking all over for little seed. He finally found him and stayed with him during his "growing" months. The farmer kept watch, watering and cultivating the dirt and assuring them both, that it would, "be ok".

After some time went by Little seed began to sprout, fighting his way out of the dirt and turning into a beautiful tree. Little fox and Little seed were together again, weathering rain, wind, dark shadows and enjoying good times together again - always being reminded by the farmer, that "It Will Be OK".

There is more to the story and that is just my brief summary which leaves a lot out. But here are my takeaways:

1.  We all, like Little Seed, like our safe places. We don't like change.
2.  Like Little Fox, we are scared at times of the wind of life, the dark shadows of life.
3.  We find good friends along the way to walk through life with. Some are temporary and some are lifelong. I have both and am so thankful for them.
4.  Our farmer, God, is always watching and looking out for us.
5.  God has a plan for me, just like the farmer did for Little Seed.
6.  God knows the outcome, which is why He can say, "it will be OK".
7. Little Seed had to trust the farmer - I have to trust God.
8.  Sometimes it takes the dark and us getting dirty in order for the "pretty" outcome.
9.  Little Fox waited for Little Seed through his lonely, cold, growing, dirty time, and was there when he "sprouted".
10. I have a few friends who are waiting, with and for me, for me to emerge from the dark, dirty experience and we will all see the beautiful outcome God has in mind, that will ultimately bring Him Glory.

I am sure there are a lot more takeaways. But this is what I came up with for now. Does this mean I am "all good" and over everything? No ... not at all. Let's be honest....grieving a lost dream, and a broken heart takes time; pulling ourselves out of a funk, takes time. Figuring out a new normal is taking time. Being so far from family and some of my closest friends is hard, and quite frankly, I hate it. However.....

1. This is where God has me for right now.
2. When/if it's time to move closer, He will let me know.
3. In the meantime, I have to live in the now.

God is watching over, watering, cultivating me and saying, "It Will Be OK".  Is it a dark and lonely place at times? ABSOLUTELY! But I have some Little Foxes waiting with and for me.

So ..... to my friend who picked that book for me to read to her kids before bed?  I owe you one : )

Vengeance is mine, says The Lord

I want to be a Jedi right now. I want revenge, and I want it badly. If we are all honest, there have been times where we have all thought about getting revenge for something. I remember as a kid, I was terrified of big spiders. (I had a bad childhood experience where I ate one - story for another time). In the 5th grade my classmates found out about this fear, so they mercilessly mocked me and traumatized me further by putting pictures of big harry spiders in y locker, desk, books and lunch bags. I hated them for that! Boy did I want revenge.

At that age, the only thing I knew to do, was beat their cans in any game we played outside - card tossing, racing, king of the mountain, you name it; or by turning them in for spiking the juice at our 6th grade party. Yes, they did ..... and yes, I did.

My forms of inventive and painful ideas for revenge our much bigger today. I want revenge for the hurt my friends have experienced a few years ago. For the lies told to, and about them, the innuendos, the poor, ungodly treatment they endured, all in the name of Jesus. I want revenge for the abused in our churches, where in the name of protecting Jesus and their reputations, some churches ignore, cover up and in some cases outright do not believe and therefore call those accusing, liars. I want revenge for my own experiences, especially this past year and a half. I want everyone to know the truth.

Here's what I think I know about God. If I take revenge, then God won't, or won't need to. His justice will be much better than anything I could do. To be honest, that isn't very satisfying right now, humanly speaking. But, if we believe that God's Word is true and all of His promises are true, then "vengeance is mine, says the Lord". He WILL do it. So whether that is here on earth or when they (we) face Jesus face-to-face, vengeance will be had. Just as sobering is anything I will have to answer for as well.

If you really think about that, what could be better revenge than having them face Jesus and give account for what they did? So I guess I'll let Jesus handle this.

What Then.....

Today is a day of a myriad of emotions. I went to see my dad for the first time in his new place of residence, being cared for by others. I wanted to throw up after I left. Of course he didn't greet us or know who we were. You could tell he understood that he should know my brother and called him his godly friend.

They seem like good people there and are taking good care of him. After almost 4 years of being cared for by my brother and his family, this was the next step in caring for our dad. In a lot of ways it has lifted a burden and yet when you say goodbye and leave him there, you don't feel very good about it.

As we left, our conversation went something like this...

Every life has value. Every life has a purpose. But what then ...... when all there is left, is sleeping, eating, sitting watching TV and not having any conversation, not knowing even your family and not having any memories of your life. What then?

Dad spent his entire life investing in others. He knew and remembered everybody it seemed. He could tell you where you were in the highway based on the mile marker. That's insane. He could tell you every detail of meeting, and eventually, marrying my mom. Now he can't tell you what he had for lunch, or whether he ate at all.

It makes you think of life, and what is important. But it also makes you question a Sovereign God. Don't judge me....we all do it. Is this all there is at the end? Some clothes, a room, no memories, no purpose when you wake up in the morning. Then just let him die and go see Jesus and mom. Why let him sit like this....how long do we have to watch this? Why couldn't you have let mom and dad live out their remaining years enjoying their grandchildren? Do what they loved to do...travel, missions...watch the kids play sports.

We don't know how to define how life has value in a case like this. Other than to say that it is sanctifying us as a family. Showing our kids (my nephews and niece) what it is like to make sacrifices in order to take care of our aging parents. Putting other things on hold during these years. Making the trip multiple times a week to spend an hour with a parent who won't know whether you are there or not. Why? Because it matters.

Hard things that our finite minds can't understand, so our only good option is to trust in the One who gives us life and who will one day return and all these questions will be answered. Or we just won't care anymore .......

On another note - I met a lady named Carol today, who seems to "like" my dad. They were sitting on a love seat together with her arm intertwined in his and leaning into each other. Now I know they both aren't aware of anything. And quite frankly, my dad is has no clue about her. But I didn't like it. Thankfully Chad (a worker) made her get up so we could sit next to him.

Really?  😐