Listen Linda!

 

So it's been awhile since I have blogged, so thought I would get back to it. This has been a year of changes, surgeries (go figure), new friends, HOA troubles, a lost dog, opportunities, and my favorite thing to do: teaching. So here are some updates:

1. Two new family members have/will be added to the family in a few months! My nephew Quinten is engaged to Lexi, whom we love! They are getting married in June. My niece Lily is engaged to Mitch, whom we also love! They are getting married in March. 

2. Lily and Deacon graduated from college this past May and both recently got their first "big kid" jobs! Lily is in marketing and Deacon is working for a financial company. Quinten is teaching middle school! Bless him! It takes a special person and he is the best! Preston has his own business and is doing well!

3. I had emergency gallbladder surgery in October and a major back fusion (yes, again) this past December. Bigger news: I have reached my 5 year cancer free mark this summer! PTL All things considered, I am doing well physically.

4. The Lord has blessed me with some new friends in my condo association so that has been a blessing and a lot of fun. The HOA is another story! Whew......so much drama.....

5. I lost my sweet Jack this year, which has been really hard. He has been with me for a long time. He has been through many surgeries, moves, a divorce, and cancer with me and was my faithful buddy. I still miss him a lot. He was a special pup. Speaking of special......my new dog, Geiszl (named after my mom) has been a handful! She has eaten large amounts of raisins, chocolate, granola, her own poop, and many other food items, some of which cost me large amounts of money! She is my shadow and is currently growing a mohawk. She is very sweet and LOVES everyone! As I'm writing this she just let out the biggest burp - she has zero manners!

6. I have the opportunity and privilege of coaching with Quinten in January. Middle school girls! Oh boy! He asked me to help him and I am super excited to do so. Gives me the opportunity to spend time with him, see him in action, and coach a sport I have loved: basketball.

7. Still teaching at Davenport University in our Sport Management Program. I absolutely love it! I am also serving on our Faculty Senate as Vice President, and also on a compliance committee for the athletic department. Love my department and have great colleagues! One of my colleagues and I have started doing a live video on Tuesdays and it has been hysterical! We don't really plan a topic, but just go with whatever hits us at the time. It's been a pretty big hit! I mean, we aren't making any money or anything but we do have a little fan base! LOL

I think that does it for an update. I will start writing more as topics hit me or life experiences occur!

Stay tuned!

My new favorite video online: Linda, Linda, Listen Linda!!!

Uncommon Faith

Have you ever prayed for something, but just knew it wouldn't be answered in the way you wished for? I have. I prayed God would heal my mom from Parkinson's.....I prayed He would heal my dad from Alzheimers...He didn't. 

Now I don't think it was necessarily because of my lack of faith. Mostly it was because I have never heard of anyone being healed from either of those diseases. God could have healed them both. He chose not to. I don't know why.....I didn't see much good come out of either of those situations.....can you imagine the spiritual outcome if God had chosen to heal either of my parents??? So why didn't He.....I won't know until I see Him some day.

But .....

I often pray for things not really believing God will answer in the way I am praying. I think therein lies the lesson....The Gentile woman pleaded with Jesus to heal her daughter from demon possession. His response? Basically no -  In fact, he initially ignored her and then finally said, "I was only sent for my people Israel". She persisted. He again said no, "it isn't right to take food from children and give to the dogs". (imagine being compared to dogs and still persisting to ask) She asked for a third time saying, "even dogs get scraps from their master's table". 

Jesus' third response? "Dear woman, your faith is great. Your request is granted". Why only after three times did Jesus finally answer her and heal her daughter? I don't know, but here is what uncommon faith might look like:

1. Faith that withstands God's silence.

2. Faith that endures rebuffs from other people - even the disciples told Jesus to make her go away, that she was bothering them.

3. Persistance

If we persist, will God answer our prayer in the way we want? Nope......that's discouraging to be honest. But I think it is in the persistence, silence, and rebuff of others that grows our faith and relationship with God. It's in the faith that knowing God can. I think sometimes we can get through the first two, but its the persistence where we falter, especially when God doesn't answer right away. 

It sure would be nice though to see God answer a prayer that humanly speaking can't be done - like healing my parents from those diseases. Just being honest....

Uncommon Faith = gives God the opportunity to do uncommon things

Not Staying "in your Lane"

 

 I follow a number of topics and people on social media, specifically Twitter - I refuse to call it X! One of those topics is the never-ending debate and criticism within the Southern Baptists regarding women's roles in the church and in families.

Now hear me out: I am a non-conservative complementarian (if that is such a thing LOL). I believe that God has created men and women equally, with each having specific gifts and that God has asked men to lead and love their families as Jesus loves the Church. I also believe women can teach men from God's Word and can speak from the pulpit - gasp!!! I didn't say be a head pastor of a church - I said can speak from the pulpit to both men and women.

We can all flesh out and argue what that means until we are blue in the face. There is not ONE person on this earth that can interpret the Bible perfectly. Sorry, there just isn't - because we are sinful humans. I am shocked, appalled, disgusted, and saddened at the many comments I see on social media where followers of Jesus criticize each other for their interpretations of scripture. I am not here to convince you one way or the other. I am here to say that the testimony we are living out on social media, regarding these secondary issues, must really sadden Jesus. Not to mention, turn people away from Him.

Look, you can believe a woman shouldn't be a pastor, make more money then her husband, only teach boys under the age of 5, etc. but I think when you meet Jesus face to face, He isn't going to ask you what your personal interpretation of His Word was when it comes to these things. He is going to ask you if you know Him, if you loved others like He did, if you shared Him with others. 

What are the two commandments? "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all they heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.....and the second is like unto it, thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself."

I am reading and studying through a new Bible Study book that uses stories from the Bible to teach us what they mean for our lives today. Today's was about Abigail from I Samuel. Sadly, I didn't know about this story. Here's the jist.....David and his men were out in Carmel and encountered Nabal's men with their sheep. David and his men stayed with them protecting them and all of their possessions by their mere presence. In return, David asked Nabal for provisions for his army. He was refused, which angered David.

David set out to kill Nabal and all his family. Nabal's wife, Abigail, got wind of this and took a risk. As a women in that time, she was probably expected to stay at home and support her husband's decision. She gets provisions together and heads out to meet David and pleads with him in order to prevent the oncoming violence he was about to bring on them. A few potential lessons from this story:

1. Saving lives was more important to Abigail than "staying in her lane". She bent expectations for the greater good.

2. Abigail acted in spite of fear and violence, and in spite of another's bad decision.

3. Her pleading for peace showed discernment and foresight.

4. Instead of violence, she gives. Instead of brashness, she demonstrated listening and intentionality. Instead of hostility, she shows hospitality. She commanded authority without being given it (by her role in society as a woman). She saw a need and took action to prevent destruction, even it it meant going against the norms.

 In a world that puts celebrities, famous christian leaders, etc. up for all to see and honor, Abigail reminds us it is often overlooked heroes that make our world a better place. It also teaches us to take decisive action when met with opposition, because our tendency when met with opposition is "violence" - name calling, verbal attacks criticizing, speaking without listening, etc.

It confronts us with how we choose to respond to people around us - those who think differently, those who treat us poorly, or who criticize and lie about us. Should we take action? do we act in opposition, or do we supersede expectations, non-violently, in order to serve a greater good ..... like Abigail did.

Yet another story in the Bible where God uses a woman to teach us all some valuable lessons we would be wise to take heed of.

(The Good and Beautiful Bible Study)

Leadership ... and condos

I've been thinking a lot about leadership lately. The good, the bad, and the ugly. 

See, here's the thing.....who defines what leadership is, or what it looks like? Everyone leads differently. So who is right? Well, if you ask, or watch some, it means you lead like them, their way. If you don't, "we're going in a different direction", or "we don't see a future for you here", you are told. That's not leadership. That's being a bully. That's not understanding leadership. That's a love of power and an arrogance that says 'my way is the right way'. This is a 'it's my way or the highway' mentality. We don't like being challenged or questioned. 

Leadership isn't a position or a title. Just because you have them, doesn't mean you know how to lead. I'm a leader. I've been under a number of leaders. The best ones I have had have both been in non-christian organizations, with one other from a christian org. (this is not a post bashing those organizations - but it is a post about being aware and maybe, just maybe learning from others, and doing things better than unbelievers). What did these three have in common?:

1. They trusted me to do my job.

2. They didn't micromanage.

3. They led by example, not tyranny. 

4. They encouraged me often.

I grew as a person and a worker under them. I learned a lot about leadership from them - the good and the stuff I wanted to stay away from.

We are seeing this all over christian organizations: churches, universities, and other religious organizations. An abuse of power, a love of power and money, fighting with other believers publicly, bashing each other publicly and worst of all, using scripture to justify ourselves. Example: the oft quoted Matt. 18 when addressing issues with each other. I have heard this used so often only to find that the leader doesn't even follow their own admonishment. If you use it, apply it.

Leadership welcomes differences and is ok with being challenged. Leadership requires and welcomes accountability. 

My father always taught us that to be a leader, you needed to be a servant. He wasn't perfect. But he hit the nail on the head here. Actually, he just followed Jesus. You want to lead? Serve. You want to lead? Be humble. You want to lead? Be self-aware. What I mean by that is understand your own strengths and weaknesses. If God hasn't gifted you to lead (because He didn't gift us all to lead), then don't put yourself in those positions. Hopefully you have people around you to see that and help with those decisions. However, sadly, I have seen this not happen either. Putting people in positions where they don't possess the gifting to be successful, is setting them up for failure and not being a Godly friend/boss/whatever. If God has not gifted you in an area, He does not CALL you to that. 

Let's see if I can give this a visual or two. That's like putting someone in the position of middle school coaching when the person 'hates' middle schoolers. Or, putting someone like me, who has no patience for crap and has no tact, in a communications role. Am I right? LOL - Better yet, that's like asking me to lead a group of middler schoolers on a school trip (like the one I am watching in the airport right now!) MYLANTA! 

OK, let's face it, I am on a rant and need to end this. But can we just do better? Maybe if we just follow Jesus and do the two main things: Love God - Love Others. Of course then we would probably have to define what THAT means and looks like because I see a lot of people saying they love Jesus, but they .... fill in the blank of sinful actions. Yes, I know we all sin. Not what I'm saying. 

Speaking of leadership...I bought a condo recently! Now what does this have to do with leadership, you ask? Well, let me tell you. I am now on the leadership team of the condo association board. Yes, you read that correctly - LOL - I am the new secretary of the board. 

My neighbor, who is about 75, and who by the way, has a boyfriend! said that I should volunteer because they need some young blood in there! Ha! Glad to know someone thinks I'm young. It's probably time to make some changes when your policy booklet looks like it was printed in the 1940's! 

Love - Serve - Lead - with humility and sacrifice.

Lessons Learned

 

There are several things I have learned through my walk through cancer this past year. Some can be humorous but most are not. Here goes .....

1. Chemo brain is a real thing. I hear it can last up to a year, so I am still occasionally experiencing it. At its worse, I couldn't think of words and my brain was very fuzzy. At its best, words can still be hard to fine.

2. The exhaustion that comes with chemo is hard to explain but I imagine your body has to work so hard because of the chemicals that you can do nothing else but lay on the couch for months.

3. I can't stand the smell of alcohol wipes. Every time I had an infusion or gave blood they cleaned the area with alcohol wipes and now the smell makes me gag every time. 

4. Burping has become crazy! I don't just mean a little burp, I am talking every time I stand up I can almost say the alphabet ... really, really loudly. 

5. It is amazing what the body can handle - God has created an amazing thing.

6. I am in NO control of my life. Which is probably a good thing.

7. Nurses are angels ... particularily phlebotomists 

8. Your veins can only take so much before they blow up ... literally. 

9. The peace I had throughout treatment can only be described as from the Lord.

10. Hair ... I actually didn't mind being bald. Of course my friends said I had good head for being bald! LOL, which brings me to another point....at some point the hair on your head comes off in your hands but the hair on your arms and legs? One day it's just gone. Where did it go? anyway .....

11. Friends are your lifeline. This is not a solo venture, it requires support (Stuart Scott).

12. The power of prayer is powerful, yet hard to describe.

13. What you think you can't endure, you can ... one day at a time. 

14. Binge watching tv is a real thing!

15. Grocery delivery is a great thing.

16. Falling and breaking your arm in multiple places, requiring surgery, while undergoing chemo really sucked. 

17. Jack, my dog, wasn't really helpful. 

18. Working on your dctorate during chemo may not have been the smartest thing cuz I don't remember what I learned. LOL

19. I was fortunate to be living near my family. I couldn't imagine being alone for this. 

20. Your hair grows back fast, but very patchy. 

Survivor's Guilt

 

    A year ago, Saturday, I had a really good friend pass away from cancer. We have the same name. She was 50 years old. We had been texting and I missed a facetime call with her. She died the next day. Little did I know at the time I also had cancer but didn't know it yet. My experience has been very different than hers. She battled for years, I, for one year. She had uterine cancer, I had breast cancer. She suffered tremendously, I suffered but not nearly as badly as she did. She died, I survived. 

    In talking with my therapist today I realized that I have survivor's guilt. I have been thinking about how loved my friend was, how much she influenced others, and how much she is missed. I think about all the years she could have continued to positively impact others. I think about, why me.....don't get me wrong, I am not having a pity party. I am genuinely processing why God took her home but has left me on earth. I think we all, at some point in our lives, compare ourselves to others or think we aren't as worthy as someone else is.  

    In conjunction with those thoughts, I think about purpose. My purpose. I don't have the physical capacity to do much yet, so I wonder how God is going to use me. This is all I know...God must have a purpose or I wouldn't still be alive. My responsibility is to be faithful and obedient. He has to provide and take care of me, not because I deserve it or have done anything to earn it - I haven't - but because of WHO He is, WHAT He has promised in His Word, and WHAT He has done on the cross. He also plans to still use me because I am still here. 

    As a friend reminded me, God chose to bring Himself glory through my friends' passing but He plans on bringing Himself glory through my living. So I stay faithful to what He has for me now, teaching online, serving people in my circle, and if that is ALL I ever do, that is ok. It is counter-cultural because it isn't big and flashy. But I was reminded that God's ways are higher than mine. I'm not into big and flashy anyway. 

    I watch how God has and continues to provide for me and I stand amazed and in awe.....it has given me peace, confidence, and assurance where there once was panic, fear, and worry. I still do those things, but not nearly as much.

    God will be God and I will work on being faithful and obedient. 

Apartment Living

 

It has been a long time since I have lived in an apartment. There are so many things that make it an interesting experience. Let me share some with you.....

• This is a no smoking complex, and by complex don't get me wrong, it's not a fancy gig. Like clockwork, every morning and afternoon when I walk Jack I see this guy sitting out on his porch smoking. Does he think the smell doesn't go back into the apartment with him? 

• The washer/dryer room is right next to my apartment. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out where this smell was coming from. Well, the dryer vent to the outside is right outside my sliding glass door and so whatever dryer sheet smell is used, I smell it. It wasn't so good this weekend. How are there dryer sheets that don't smell good?

• There is an old couple who live next to me. What is it about older people who like to watch what goes on in the neighborhood? Every time I drive in with Hank (my truck), he has to look out to see what I'm doing. Usually, I park next to his truck, and tonight was no different. As I got out and began walking to the door, I saw him get up and come to his slider, "you didn't hit my truck did you", he asks. No, no I didn't hit your truck (insert eye roll) "just thought I'd ask" he said.

• I think the guy above me works out. The reason I say, I think, is because his appearance does not match that idea. However, his deck is full of work out equipment, including a punching bag. For the love of all that is quiet and respectful, it sounds like a herd of elephants is tap dancing up there on a regular basis. Either that or he can't carry those heavy weights he's lifting and so they drop on the floor. Oh, and numerous soda cans keep dropping and finding their way onto my deck. 

• We have about 25 geese on our pond. I don't mind, I kind of like them. Jack on the other hand keeps our porch clear of them. Yes, they come up pretty close. I now know why. A lady in the building next to mind FEEDS them. I mean FEEDS them PILES of whatever it is geese eat! So they are used to coming up pretty close. The other day I heard her talking to them, and I heard, "oh, that's why you aren't coming up for food", as she hears and sees Jack barking his bloody fool head off at them. LOL

Oh, the joys of apartment living!

Double Nickels

 

To be honest, I have never spent a lot of time thinking about breast cancer awareness month. The disease has touched some friends of mine, but never me directly. I'm sad to say that it took me getting cancer to make me more aware of its devastation. When people talk about "chemo brain" or "metallic taste", I get it now. When they talk about a tired that can't be explained or slept away, I get it. 

This past week I have reached the halfway point in my chemo treatments. It's hard. However, my support system has been praying and so far I have not had any other of the potential symptoms. That's not to say I won't, but so far I have not. I have 8 more chemo treatments, surgery, radiation, and second surgery. So there is still a long road ahead. Yesterday, after meeting with my plastic surgeon, I got mad. Mad to have gotten cancer, mad that I still don't have a full-time job, mad that I'm bald, and mad that I am making life-altering decisions alone. 

Today I heard a song ..... Goodness of God

     I love you, Lord

     For your mercy never failed me

     All my days, I've been held in your hands

     From the moment that I wake up

     Until I lay my head

     Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

     And all my life you have been faithful

     And all. my life you have been so, so good

     With every breath I am able

     Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

     I love your voice

     You have led me through the fire

     And in darkest night You are close like

     no other

     I've known you as a Father

     I've known you as a Friend

     And I have lived in the goodness of God!

     All my life you have been faithful, oh

     And all my life you have been so, so good

     With every breath that I am able

     Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

     Cause your goodness is running after, it's 

     running after me

     Your goodness is running after, it's running after me

     With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now

     I give you everything

     Cause your goodness is running after,

     it's running after me.

     And all my life you have been faithful

     And all my life you have been so, so good

     With every breath that I am able

     Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God.

It's hard to think of God as being good during these days. But I am determined to keep looking for the good. Sometimes it is just a beautiful day that I can look out at my view of a lake - well, really it's just a pond! Or walk Jack, or go to lunch with a nephew or niece. Other times it is realizing that God has kept me from some awful symptoms of chemo, had provided a part-time job of teaching, provided a great team of doctors, and provided an apartment for me for 11 months. I am blessed with a great support system and chocolate ice cream still kind of tastes like chocolate ice cream!

On a side note, we are getting closer to putting together my dissertation proposal! Oh, and I should take out stock in rice and ice cream. 

Double nickels - I turned 55 today

     

The Power of Words

Words ... we use them hourly, daily ... they often fly off of our tongues without much forethought. I wonder if we really thought about them before speaking, how that might change what we say. Words have the power of life and death. That is a responsibility we/I should take a lot more seriously than we often do.

I was talking with my therapist last week about this. We were talking through things that have been said to me in the past and how I can't forget them and how, not only hurtful they were/are, but also how they control me still today. They control what I think and feel about myself. It is no wonder that God speaks so much about the tongue and being slow to speak ... and to anger ... as this is what often is the precursor to our hurtful words. 

I think this can be true of words NOT spoken as well. A simple hello, or how are you doing, or an I love you, goes a long way to soothe a spirit. Words not spoken can often have just as much of a hurtful impact as those spoken. Or maybe that's just me. 

How do we combat the negative words? Well, it isn't easy and there is no quick fix. I like quick fixes and don't like the work it takes to change the effects of words spoken in anger or spite. My therapist often reminds me that it isn't going to be all better after one week of work. Well, that's annoying, to be honest! 

Think about that: one word spoken in anger often takes a lifetime to work through. It requires "changing the script". Here's what happens: we play those words over and over in our minds and they become a part of who we are or what we feel and think about ourselves. It becomes second nature. We often become those words.

Re-writing the script is hard work. It requires time and effort. It requires speaking truth to ourselves over and over again, truth that is found in God's word and truth that is just a reality of life. Maybe that truth is that the other person is incapable of something. Maybe it is the truth of "hurt people, hurt people. More than those things, it is the truth about what God says about me. I/we are made in the image of God Himself - He pursues us - He loves us - He is mindful of us - He searches and knows us - we are the apple of His eye - He is concerned about us, and we are His cherished bride.

Replace hurtful words with a different script and speak that script to ourselves when those hurtful words pop into our minds - because they will. Why? Because Satan would rather have us stuck in those words than living a life of freedom found in the truth of God's love for us.

"The tongue of the wise brings healing" Prov. 12:18

Count to 10 before speaking .....

Willingly ...

A friend of mine texted me this morning and said something that I thought was extremely profound. As I enter into treatment #2, she said, "I know its hard to willingly subject yourself to something you know will make you feel like crap."

Really, what a profound statement. As I sit here, I am willingly allowing chemicals to be introduced into my body that will make me really sick. All in an effort to kill some bad cells. Ironic, isn't it? One day I was planning my future ... applying for jobs ... and the next, with no warning I am sitting in a doctor's office being told that I have cancer. All stop.

One day Job was living the life of "Old Testament luxury" - kids, flocks, money, houses - no sickness. The next day, all of it was gone. We don't know exactly what Job was doing when he started getting bad news, but we know that he received bad news after bad news ... four times ... without any time to process one thing before the next thing came. 

On a side note, I was NOT living a life of luxury when I received my news! LOL But I digress ...

Through all of this: losing his kids, his flocks, and his servants, Job did not sin. He actually shaved his head, bowed down and worshipped God. Wait, what? Really? How in tune with Jesus he must have been to be able to do that. Even when God allowed Satan to cause him physical pain, he did not sin. There is a lot more in the book of Job that I do not profess to understand fully. He was abandoned by his family and friends, received bad advice from friends, and lamented to God his plight. He was rebuked by God and repented. After all of this God gave back to Job everything he lost two-fold. 

God doesn't choose to bless us because of anything we have done. He also doesn't necessarily allow harm to us because of anything bad we have done. Job was a man of integrity and righteous before God, yet God allowed suffering. What did Job gain from this suffering? A deeper understanding and relationship with God. 

Lessons: (I stole these as I was reading about Job)

1. God used Job's story to teach his friends, wife, and us a lot about His character, suffering, and the human heart.

2. Suffering is not always related to wickedness but is just part of life.

3. Suffering can bring rewards and even joy.

4. God is worthy of our worship no matter what.

Back to my original point: it often takes the bad, hard, and painful to make us physically well again. This is true spiritually as well. If often takes hard and painful things to weed out things in our lives that are keeping us from truly worshipping and knowing God at a deeper level.

On a side note ... if I get boils I may use profanity! 

Job 12:10 "In His hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of mankind."

"What is your Job, Lori?

I am a college professor - it is what I do - what I love - and what God has gifted me for. I LOVE college students! They give me energy. I love having them in my office hanging out, or in my home. I love the classroom where we talk about sports, life, and how to use their sports degree to share Christ. I love the "ah-ha" moments they have. I just love teaching college kids.

In His sovereignty, God brought me to MI two years ago without a full-time job. As I have waited for the next thing I have been able to teach online which has been a blessing. It has allowed me to connect with students, although in a very different format, and stay up to date in my field while pursuing my doctorate.

It was time to apply for jobs and enter the classroom again, or so I thought. I entered the interview process with a potential college and felt sure that this was the one! Then it happened.....I became a statistic. 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer in their lifetime. Well, I became the 1.

Back in December, I entered counseling to work through some things. I don't believe I would have been as prepared to face this new challenge had I not done that. Trust me, I'm still not sure I am doing it all that well! But better than I would have.

Which brings me back to the present moment ... I have had, what feels like, a million appointments and procedures and now, my first treatment. Nothing can prepare you for this. So when meeting with my counselor this week, I told her I feel like I am wasting my time and not accomplishing anything. As only she can do, she gently asked me what my job was. Once I figured out what she meant, and then telling her to shut up :) I said, "to get better, my job is to get better".

It pays nothing, in fact, quite the opposite, but it is my current job. For the first time in my life, it actually FEELS like a JOB. What I mean is that my profession doesn't really feel like a job because I love it. THIS .... THIS feels like a job. It's hard, painful, exhausting, and not fun at all. It's expensive, sometimes isolating, with no guaranteed outcome.

I am learning that praise and thanksgiving are what allows my heart to receive God's peace.

This, this is my job: to get better.

Friday - Saturday - Sunday

This is a unique time in our world today and, the first time in my life that I will not be in a physical church service celebrating Jesus' resurrection. It makes it no less poignant, however. Part of my worship this morning was done alone, in my room, watching and engaging with my church online. Another part of it was sitting with my family while they engaged with their church online. We then sat around the table as a family but missing the heads of our home.

You see, they are celebrating with the angels in Heaven where their faith has been made sight. In my wildest imagination, I cannot fathom or envision what that is like. To be singing those songs we sang today in the presence of the Holy One. I long for that day.

As I was scrolling through social media the other day, I ran across some words a friend wrote about  Friday-Sunday. I thought I'd try and put my own thoughts to them. (on an aside, Friday through Sunday is not a full three days in the grave for Jesus. I have always wondered why we celebrate the way we do when He died earlier than Friday. I am sure some theologian will set me straight!)

But taking those three days and putting some words to what those around Jesus were experiencing can be helpful in processing my own stuff. Maybe. I hope!

I look at these three days as "seasons" where each day carries its own thoughts, circumstances, emotions, and fears. I imagine some of those for the disciples and other followers of Jesus might look like this:

Friday - overwhelming, hard, painful, emotional, fighting, beaten down, betrayed, abandoned.

Saturday - recovering but not revived, processing, quiet, waiting, confused, hopeful but uncertain.

Sunday - full of life, restored, confident, victorious

In my most recent circumstances of life, I have just come out of another Friday and am sitting in a Saturday. I am recovering from some of life's most painful experiences, am processing with a counselor, and am hopeful but uncertain. I don't know how God will choose to allow this to play out. I am spending a lot of time quietly waiting, confused as to why this is taking so long. When will I get a job, my own place, friends (yes, I have some great ones, just not where I live), a chance for a life-partner again (maybe I won't). When will I "feel" like I am in a good place with Jesus, desiring to be more like Him and devouring His Word. When will I feel normal, secure, and settled again?

Here's the thing: I KNOW Sunday is coming. Those that were following Jesus through those days SHOULD have known but didn't understand fully. I do. Jesus DID rise from the dead. This restored the faith and confidence of those around Him at the time.

So, Sunday will come for me, and you, too. I just don't know when. Because I know this to be true, it gives me hope and confidence that this too shall pass. I will be stronger and more like Jesus as long as I continue to sit, quietly, waiting for His work to be done in me through this Saturday. He was preparing His disciples for their Sunday....to go and spread the gospel.

Saturdays are hard.

Sunday is coming.

It's Not Suppose To Be This Way

Dear Dad,

I remember the moment God took you to Heaven. It was in the very early hours of the morning as Scott and I sat by your bed, holding your hands, as we watched the life leave your eyes. We knew at that very second you were no longer with us, but with the two loves of your life: Jesus & Mom. Your heart still beat for a little while longer, but it too eventually came to a slow and gentle stop. What a heart-breaking/wrenching, life-altering moment for us. What a life-healing, eternity changing moment for you.

In some ways, it seems like a long time ago. But at other times, it feels like yesterday. Gosh, we miss you so much. Your kindness, loyalty, your smile when you'd see us, how your face shined with love when you talked about mom, your example of how to care for those you love, your love and example of how to live for Jesus, and your encouragement. I even miss that dang story you told hundreds of times after mom died! : )

Scott, Steve, and I are ok. We still grieve you and mom, laugh about habits you had or things you guys did, cry because you are gone. Its been a really hard year and we sure could have used your advice and never-ending encouragement and positive outlook on life. But, we have that example to follow now.

We could not have asked for better parents. You weren't perfect - LOL - but you were ours and we are taking what you have taught us and hopefully continuing the legacy of loving God, loving others, humbly serving, while we wait to see you both again.

Today is another one of those "it shouldn't be this way", milestones or anniversaries. But I/we have the hope and assurance that we will see you and mom again because of Jesus. Until then ....

It shouldn't be this way, but because it is right now, we live in hope and anticipation of God making all right again when He comes back.

I love you.

"Your Words Were in the Driving"

Quite a few years ago I began to understand what true Christian community was. My only real experience up until then was a community of people who acted like they had their stuff together and never really lived messy lives together. I heard a lot of "preaching" but not a lot of authenticity.

I began a friendship where this friend became, "Jesus with skin on", to me. Someone who was not afraid to get in the messiness of where I was at and do life alongside me. Someone who was honest and authentic and didn't pretend they had everything together. This set the tone for me to then experience more relationships like this.

I have a group of 6 girlfriends, who at one time, did life together in the same location. We are now all over the place. But we have committed to encourage, pray for each other, and get together on a regular basis (as much as that is possible). There is nothing like being able to be honest with each other, share our stuff, and pray for each other and sometimes all together when we are able. There is no pretending in our group. We hold each other accountable for things. So much so that sometimes I want to tell them to stop! : )

Two weeks ago I had another friend, not of this group, call me and say they needed me. So I went down South to see her, encourage and just hang out with her. As I was sharing with someone where I was going, I told them I didn't know how much I helped, as I just mostly listened. My friend's words back to me have been in my mind a lot lately, "your words were in your driving".  To me, this was profound. I often think I have to have the right words to say, or think I am not the most eloquent person around. I tend to compare myself with others that I think are wise and always say the right things.

But here's the thing.....people don't need us to always say something. Most of the time, they just want to know that someone will be there when they need them, or that they will listen. You can tell me all the right things, but if you aren't willing to get into the mess with me, then your words don't mean much. I would much rather you sit with me and listen, or just be there. We have all heard that actions speak louder than words. It's true.

Who needs you to be Jesus with skin on? Who needs your words to be in your driving? Until we are willing to get involved in each other's lives and do messy, we will not experience true and authentic Christian community.

Parents - a precious gift.

I have not written anything in quite a while, but I have had some topics and thoughts simmering in my brain for some time now. 

As a young kid, time is something you think you have a lot of. We don't think about getting old or for that fact, our parents getting old. We know they are. We can see the grey hair, the slower steps, and the aging their bodies endure. Yet, somehow, we think they are invincible and will live forever. 

I never really thought about life without my parents. In some weird way, I just never thought it would happen. I know that sounds ridiculous. I probably just lived in denial of it ever happening. But we grow up feeling like our parents are always going to be around. I did. I certainly did not expect my mom to die as soon as she did. I thought another 10-15 years for sure. She was always so healthy. But diseases are no respecter of persons. 

In some ways, my brothers and I lost both of our parents the day mom died. But, dad was still there. Even if I couldn't have the same kinds of conversations with him, he was still there, physically as strong as ever. The man who provided for and protected our family. He was always such a strong man with an even stronger faith and trust in God. 

The moment he passed away I fell into my brother's arms sobbing and what came out of my mouth was, 'we no longer have any parents and are alone now'. He kept telling me it was going to be ok. He's right. We are ok and we have our family. But things have changed. There is security in knowing you have your parents there for you. There are safety and unconditional love. There is help or advice on the other end of the phone. They are your parents and there is a deep sense of loss when they are both gone. Geez I miss them terribly ... and it was so hard to watch them both die ... at the same time it was an honor for my brother and me to be there both times to usher them from life to death - from death to life - with Jesus forever. It is something no one can explain until you experience it, and it will be a different experience for each of us. Sacred, none-the-less.

Parents are a blessing. They are to be treasured and loved. They are to be respected and obeyed. They aren't perfect by any means. Neither are we, their children. But they are God's blessing to us. We are to care for them in their old age, honor them and hold them in high esteem. Consider it a blessing to be able to care for them in their declining years.

They are gone. They are in my heart. I will see them again one day. 

Treasure your parents - take time with them. Sit with them. Listen to them. Because one day you won't be able to.

Yes, a more mellow post, but a real-life one. 

Dad was given another stone to honor his military service.

Faith or Sight

If we think we have any control over our lives, we have only to look at the weather lately to dismiss that thought entirely. My family has missed 8 days of school in the last 10, all for various weather issues. First it was snow, then cold temps, and the latest was due to ice. The crazy thing? In the midst of those weather patterns, there were temps of 45 degrees, sun and rain for a few days. Only God could have done that.

Let's be honest, we all think we control our lives, at least to some degree. And to clear, there are some things that we do control. We control decisions we make, attitudes we have, places we go, whether we eat out or cook at home, whether we go shopping and spend money or not. There are a lot of things that we "control". Ultimately, however, we really don't control much of anything. God does, as is His right. After all, we are HIS creation.

In reading through Genesis, I came to the part where Abram and Lot went separate ways as the land could not hold them both. God promised Abram a land that He would show him and that He would make him into a great nation. What did Abram do? He packed up and left and just started walking. He had no idea where this land was.

When it came time to part ways with Lot, Abram gave him the first choice of where to live. Lot chose the best and Abram had what was left over. He allowed Lot to take the best because his faith said that God was in control and had made promises to him. 

Two men. Two perspectives. Two faiths.

Abram - walked by faith - offers selflessly - worships God in the midst.

Lot - chose by sight - chose selfishly - no evidence that he worshiped God during this time. 

Results: God fulfilled His promise to Abram and made him into a great nation. Lot was drawn into the wickedness of Sodom and Gomorrah. 

I also think that there is a key in this story, and that is that Abram worshipped God in all of this. You can see him building alters to God a few times and worshipping. 

Worship while we wait. Walk by faith. Walk in trust of the One who controls everything.

I would really like for the warmth of summer to come quickly!!!

Strangers on this Earth

"And even when he reached the land God had promised him, he lived there by faith - for he was like a foreigner, living in tents. And so did Isaac and Jacob, who inherited the same promise. Abraham was confidently looking forward to a city with eternal foundations, a city designed and built by God." Heb. 11:9-10

Six years ago today my mom passed away from Parkinson's disease, unable in her last months and weeks to talk, walk by herself, and in the end, unable to respond at all. She became unresponsive at home and ended up in the hospital with us having to make the decision to let God take her home. My dad also just passed away last month.

As you watch those you love, age and die, you realize this is not how God designed life to be. This was not what He intended when He created the earth and man. The Garden of Eden is what He planned. Where food was in abundance, where God walked in the Garden with Adam and Eve, and where there were no tears or death. Until .....

There was a time in my life where I didn't really think about that. Life on earth was pretty good, I had jobs, stuff and lots of friends and family. I even thought when/if I finally got married, all would be well. That those things would satisfy the desires of my heart.

I've learned just the opposite. None of those things met my, nor will they meet your deepest heart's desires. Only God can. I still don't completely understand that humanly speaking. But God's Word speaks of it, talking about how we are strangers on this earth....foreigners. A foreigner is someone who does not belong to a particular place; someone born from a country other than their own.

As a follower of Jesus, Heaven is my home. One day I/we, will live in a world where things will be as God intended - perfect. No tears, no pain, no death, no hate, none of the things we are currently experiencing on this earth. Yes, there are some good things on earth....working good jobs, good friends, good marriages, etc. and those are a small picture of what it will be like in Heaven one day.

In the meantime, we live in an imperfect world, trying to live like Jesus wants us to - loving God and loving others. We enjoy friends and family. We love our jobs. We enjoy eating good food, laughing and loving others. We live and experience hard things, while our heart longs for something different, something better. That something is Heaven - with Jesus.

Personally I can't wait......nor can my body! Having no physical pain will be glorious!! :) 

Because of Rain

Let's be honest, I hate rain. I used to love running in it, but other than that, I really dislike it a lot. It is dreary, cold and WET. On days that it rains, all I want to do is stay in bed with a good book and a fire in the fireplace. Well, when I had a fireplace. Rain also makes me think of death. Why? Because it seems like every time there is a funeral, it is raining. 

Logically, when you think about rain, here are some thoughts & facts:

• Clouds bring rain.
• Rain is wet. (they don't call me a college graduate for nothing!)
• A lot of times when it rains it is cold.
• Rain brings growth - grass grows, flowers grow, food grows.
• Rains bring worms. Wet worms smell! The rain draws them out of the ground.
• Rain produces mud - which can bring mud slides - which can cause death.
• Rain can cause floods - which can cause death.
• Too much rain can kills plants. 
• After rain, there is usually new life.
• After rain, often times there is a rainbow.

There are some common themes here: death and new growth. Grass, food and flowers need the rain for growth. So while rain/water can bring death, it always brings new life and growth.

Rain and water is used to get rid of things as well. It gets rid of the old in order to bring in the new. Water gets rid of junk on our dishes, soap in our hair, mud from our shoes and dirt from our clothes. In order for new plants to grow, they need water. The seed needs to be fed. We all know the saying, April showers bring May flowers. As much as I hate the rain part, I love the new flowers part. I love the fresh, green grass.

Same with life. In every life rain will fall, the storms will come and our lives may flood some. That may look like a loss, a death, a job issue, family stuff, injury, etc. We need that rain to wash away things in our lives that may be in the way of how God wants to use us. Or, it may simply be there to grow us more so that when the time comes, and God brings the "next thing" to our lives, we will be better equipped and grown in order to fulfill God's stuff. 

Along with those storms, often comes tears ... water ... it cleanses our hearts and souls of ... sadness, grief, fear, or anxiety. Maybe, legitly, we have something in our eye that needs to come out! 

All the rain, water, tears is needed. Get rid of. Grow.

Why does the ground need to expose the worms though, if they live in the ground?!

So, let it rain.

Undercurrent

Last week some of my sister in law's family came for the week, for what is now a traditional July 4th week vacation. One of the things we did was tube down the Muskegon river. I, personally, LOVE the water and really just want to live one a lake and retire! Or by any body of water for that fact.

I noticed a couple of things:

1.  At my age and the condition of my once athletic and limber body, the best option is to just sit in the tube and float. Trying what the kids did probably wasn't the best idea. Rolling over on your stomach to watch for fish, or getting out to swim with the current or just hanging on in the middle of the tube while your legs drag the bottom, are not good ideas for someone like me.

2.  There is NO graceful way to get off a tube in a current.

3.  Trying to jump back onto your tube is just about as graceful as #2. For me, it was impossible. 

4.  Having to navigate over to the shore in order to stand up on solid ground in order to get back onto your tube puts you way behind the group.

5.  Said group are not going to wait for you. You are on your own! 

6.  My family is competitive but also "harsh" - and by harsh I mean you don't usually get away with doing anything. You will be laughed at and possibly mocked.

7.  It is one of the most relaxing things to do, especially on a beautiful, sunny day. 

8.  2 1/2 hours is just enough time.

9.  My mom would have LOVED it.

10. However, the most important thing I re-learned, is that undercurrents can be really dangerous and you don't know they are there until it's too late.

You wouldn't think that a river would have such a swift current. A lot of the way down is in shallower water, and by just looking, you don't see much movement underneath. But step out and boy is it there! I forgot how hard they can be to maneuver in. Which is one reason I had such a hard time jumping back into the tube. An undercurrent can take you down pretty quickly and it is difficult to get your balance.

I remember once as a kid getting caught in the undercurrent in the ocean and being scared to death! I am pretty sure I thought I would die. Here's the thing about them: 

     a.  you can't see them until you are caught in it.

     b.  you lose control and balance.

     c.  you have to fight to get that balance back.

     d.  while not being able to "see" it, it is extremely powerful.

     e.  sometimes you need others to help you get out of it.

We all have undercurrents in our lives. Things that we, and maybe even others, can't see, but they are there non-the-less. These things cause us to lose our balance in life, and sometimes our focus on God. They are powerful and seek to control us. For me some of these currents are: worry, doubt, fear of abandonment, fear of being alone the rest of my life, depression, anxiety, just to name a few. 

Here is the other thing about undercurrents:  most of the time you know they are there. Either by experience or someone telling you. So you can be prepared. You can be ready to fight or combat it. This is the same with our earthly undercurrents. I know these things are there and I need to know how to combat them. Some days I know they are coming and some days one of them may sneak up on me. I have learned and am continuing to learn how to be prepared for them. Speaking truth - God's truth and sometimes just plain human truth; pray; scripture; for me, music. Sometimes we/I need e. above: others to help us/me get out of the undercurrent.

Thankful for those others who help me and are never going to "let me go" to get swept out into the ocean.

ibprofin is another key to a 2 1/2 hour tubing ride for this broken down body!

14 Years Later

 Having moving back to MI has made me think about all that has happened since last living here. So I thought I would make a list:

1.  I moved to OH to work at Cedarville University.
2.  While living in OH, I moved 3 times.
3.  I bought my first home.
4.  I learned what it was like to truly live in community.
5.  I made some life long friends, including a best friend.
6.  Had 4 major surgeries.
7.  Became “aunt” to some great friend’s children.
8.  Lost 2 dogs.
9.  Went through some major emotional and spriritual healing.
10. Watched some really good friends go through some really hard and unjust stuff.
11. Walked through tough things with a great friend.
12. Worked with some great colleagues at the University.
13. Lost my mom to Parkinson’s/dementia.
14. Packed up my parent’s entire home and moved my dad to MI to live with my brother and his family.
15. Got married.
16. Moved to VA.
17. Sang in a choir.
18. Sold my only home.
19. Watched my dad decline with Alzheimer’s.
20. Had my marriage completely crumble and end in divorce.
21. Had my heart broken.
22. Moved to PA.
23. Took a job at my Alma Mater.
24. Fulfilled my dad’s dream of one of his children becoming AD/Coach where he spent 45 years.
25. Experienced betrayal of those I worked with and trusted.
26. Had one of my nephews live with me for 3 semesters of college!
27. Watched another nephew graduate from high school.
28. Watched my best friend fall in love and get married.
29. Bought two cars.
30. Started writing a blog.
31. Experienced a lot of ups and downs in my relationship with Jesus.
32. Learned what it is like to live daily with physical pain.
33. Got my third dog, Jack!
34. Experienced a God-size miracle concerning medical bills.
35. Became a part of the BEAR Sisters and have had 2 reunions so far.

I am sure there are a lot more, but these made the “short list”. Since moving back a few days ago, I have purchased a fishing license and have caught three fish on my first trolling trip. I have gone from midnight and 3 am feedings, changing dirty diapers, watching babies learn how to walk, to now watching them learn how to drive, hang out with their friends, play video games and occasionally want to hang with their Aunt :)  Looking forward to being able to watch the younger two peeps in their high school athletic careers. Sad to have the other two go off to college - MN and VA. Couldn’t they have stayed closer to home!? : (