Lessons Learned

 

There are several things I have learned through my walk through cancer this past year. Some can be humorous but most are not. Here goes .....

1. Chemo brain is a real thing. I hear it can last up to a year, so I am still occasionally experiencing it. At its worse, I couldn't think of words and my brain was very fuzzy. At its best, words can still be hard to fine.

2. The exhaustion that comes with chemo is hard to explain but I imagine your body has to work so hard because of the chemicals that you can do nothing else but lay on the couch for months.

3. I can't stand the smell of alcohol wipes. Every time I had an infusion or gave blood they cleaned the area with alcohol wipes and now the smell makes me gag every time. 

4. Burping has become crazy! I don't just mean a little burp, I am talking every time I stand up I can almost say the alphabet ... really, really loudly. 

5. It is amazing what the body can handle - God has created an amazing thing.

6. I am in NO control of my life. Which is probably a good thing.

7. Nurses are angels ... particularily phlebotomists 

8. Your veins can only take so much before they blow up ... literally. 

9. The peace I had throughout treatment can only be described as from the Lord.

10. Hair ... I actually didn't mind being bald. Of course my friends said I had good head for being bald! LOL, which brings me to another point....at some point the hair on your head comes off in your hands but the hair on your arms and legs? One day it's just gone. Where did it go? anyway .....

11. Friends are your lifeline. This is not a solo venture, it requires support (Stuart Scott).

12. The power of prayer is powerful, yet hard to describe.

13. What you think you can't endure, you can ... one day at a time. 

14. Binge watching tv is a real thing!

15. Grocery delivery is a great thing.

16. Falling and breaking your arm in multiple places, requiring surgery, while undergoing chemo really sucked. 

17. Jack, my dog, wasn't really helpful. 

18. Working on your dctorate during chemo may not have been the smartest thing cuz I don't remember what I learned. LOL

19. I was fortunate to be living near my family. I couldn't imagine being alone for this. 

20. Your hair grows back fast, but very patchy. 

Survivor's Guilt

 

    A year ago, Saturday, I had a really good friend pass away from cancer. We have the same name. She was 50 years old. We had been texting and I missed a facetime call with her. She died the next day. Little did I know at the time I also had cancer but didn't know it yet. My experience has been very different than hers. She battled for years, I, for one year. She had uterine cancer, I had breast cancer. She suffered tremendously, I suffered but not nearly as badly as she did. She died, I survived. 

    In talking with my therapist today I realized that I have survivor's guilt. I have been thinking about how loved my friend was, how much she influenced others, and how much she is missed. I think about all the years she could have continued to positively impact others. I think about, why me.....don't get me wrong, I am not having a pity party. I am genuinely processing why God took her home but has left me on earth. I think we all, at some point in our lives, compare ourselves to others or think we aren't as worthy as someone else is.  

    In conjunction with those thoughts, I think about purpose. My purpose. I don't have the physical capacity to do much yet, so I wonder how God is going to use me. This is all I know...God must have a purpose or I wouldn't still be alive. My responsibility is to be faithful and obedient. He has to provide and take care of me, not because I deserve it or have done anything to earn it - I haven't - but because of WHO He is, WHAT He has promised in His Word, and WHAT He has done on the cross. He also plans to still use me because I am still here. 

    As a friend reminded me, God chose to bring Himself glory through my friends' passing but He plans on bringing Himself glory through my living. So I stay faithful to what He has for me now, teaching online, serving people in my circle, and if that is ALL I ever do, that is ok. It is counter-cultural because it isn't big and flashy. But I was reminded that God's ways are higher than mine. I'm not into big and flashy anyway. 

    I watch how God has and continues to provide for me and I stand amazed and in awe.....it has given me peace, confidence, and assurance where there once was panic, fear, and worry. I still do those things, but not nearly as much.

    God will be God and I will work on being faithful and obedient. 

Apartment Living

 

It has been a long time since I have lived in an apartment. There are so many things that make it an interesting experience. Let me share some with you.....

• This is a no smoking complex, and by complex don't get me wrong, it's not a fancy gig. Like clockwork, every morning and afternoon when I walk Jack I see this guy sitting out on his porch smoking. Does he think the smell doesn't go back into the apartment with him? 

• The washer/dryer room is right next to my apartment. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out where this smell was coming from. Well, the dryer vent to the outside is right outside my sliding glass door and so whatever dryer sheet smell is used, I smell it. It wasn't so good this weekend. How are there dryer sheets that don't smell good?

• There is an old couple who live next to me. What is it about older people who like to watch what goes on in the neighborhood? Every time I drive in with Hank (my truck), he has to look out to see what I'm doing. Usually, I park next to his truck, and tonight was no different. As I got out and began walking to the door, I saw him get up and come to his slider, "you didn't hit my truck did you", he asks. No, no I didn't hit your truck (insert eye roll) "just thought I'd ask" he said.

• I think the guy above me works out. The reason I say, I think, is because his appearance does not match that idea. However, his deck is full of work out equipment, including a punching bag. For the love of all that is quiet and respectful, it sounds like a herd of elephants is tap dancing up there on a regular basis. Either that or he can't carry those heavy weights he's lifting and so they drop on the floor. Oh, and numerous soda cans keep dropping and finding their way onto my deck. 

• We have about 25 geese on our pond. I don't mind, I kind of like them. Jack on the other hand keeps our porch clear of them. Yes, they come up pretty close. I now know why. A lady in the building next to mind FEEDS them. I mean FEEDS them PILES of whatever it is geese eat! So they are used to coming up pretty close. The other day I heard her talking to them, and I heard, "oh, that's why you aren't coming up for food", as she hears and sees Jack barking his bloody fool head off at them. LOL

Oh, the joys of apartment living!

Double Nickels

 

To be honest, I have never spent a lot of time thinking about breast cancer awareness month. The disease has touched some friends of mine, but never me directly. I'm sad to say that it took me getting cancer to make me more aware of its devastation. When people talk about "chemo brain" or "metallic taste", I get it now. When they talk about a tired that can't be explained or slept away, I get it. 

This past week I have reached the halfway point in my chemo treatments. It's hard. However, my support system has been praying and so far I have not had any other of the potential symptoms. That's not to say I won't, but so far I have not. I have 8 more chemo treatments, surgery, radiation, and second surgery. So there is still a long road ahead. Yesterday, after meeting with my plastic surgeon, I got mad. Mad to have gotten cancer, mad that I still don't have a full-time job, mad that I'm bald, and mad that I am making life-altering decisions alone. 

Today I heard a song ..... Goodness of God

     I love you, Lord

     For your mercy never failed me

     All my days, I've been held in your hands

     From the moment that I wake up

     Until I lay my head

     Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

     And all my life you have been faithful

     And all. my life you have been so, so good

     With every breath I am able

     Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

     I love your voice

     You have led me through the fire

     And in darkest night You are close like

     no other

     I've known you as a Father

     I've known you as a Friend

     And I have lived in the goodness of God!

     All my life you have been faithful, oh

     And all my life you have been so, so good

     With every breath that I am able

     Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

     Cause your goodness is running after, it's 

     running after me

     Your goodness is running after, it's running after me

     With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now

     I give you everything

     Cause your goodness is running after,

     it's running after me.

     And all my life you have been faithful

     And all my life you have been so, so good

     With every breath that I am able

     Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God.

It's hard to think of God as being good during these days. But I am determined to keep looking for the good. Sometimes it is just a beautiful day that I can look out at my view of a lake - well, really it's just a pond! Or walk Jack, or go to lunch with a nephew or niece. Other times it is realizing that God has kept me from some awful symptoms of chemo, had provided a part-time job of teaching, provided a great team of doctors, and provided an apartment for me for 11 months. I am blessed with a great support system and chocolate ice cream still kind of tastes like chocolate ice cream!

On a side note, we are getting closer to putting together my dissertation proposal! Oh, and I should take out stock in rice and ice cream. 

Double nickels - I turned 55 today

     

The Power of Words

Words ... we use them hourly, daily ... they often fly off of our tongues without much forethought. I wonder if we really thought about them before speaking, how that might change what we say. Words have the power of life and death. That is a responsibility we/I should take a lot more seriously than we often do.

I was talking with my therapist last week about this. We were talking through things that have been said to me in the past and how I can't forget them and how, not only hurtful they were/are, but also how they control me still today. They control what I think and feel about myself. It is no wonder that God speaks so much about the tongue and being slow to speak ... and to anger ... as this is what often is the precursor to our hurtful words. 

I think this can be true of words NOT spoken as well. A simple hello, or how are you doing, or an I love you, goes a long way to soothe a spirit. Words not spoken can often have just as much of a hurtful impact as those spoken. Or maybe that's just me. 

How do we combat the negative words? Well, it isn't easy and there is no quick fix. I like quick fixes and don't like the work it takes to change the effects of words spoken in anger or spite. My therapist often reminds me that it isn't going to be all better after one week of work. Well, that's annoying, to be honest! 

Think about that: one word spoken in anger often takes a lifetime to work through. It requires "changing the script". Here's what happens: we play those words over and over in our minds and they become a part of who we are or what we feel and think about ourselves. It becomes second nature. We often become those words.

Re-writing the script is hard work. It requires time and effort. It requires speaking truth to ourselves over and over again, truth that is found in God's word and truth that is just a reality of life. Maybe that truth is that the other person is incapable of something. Maybe it is the truth of "hurt people, hurt people. More than those things, it is the truth about what God says about me. I/we are made in the image of God Himself - He pursues us - He loves us - He is mindful of us - He searches and knows us - we are the apple of His eye - He is concerned about us, and we are His cherished bride.

Replace hurtful words with a different script and speak that script to ourselves when those hurtful words pop into our minds - because they will. Why? Because Satan would rather have us stuck in those words than living a life of freedom found in the truth of God's love for us.

"The tongue of the wise brings healing" Prov. 12:18

Count to 10 before speaking .....

Willingly ...

A friend of mine texted me this morning and said something that I thought was extremely profound. As I enter into treatment #2, she said, "I know its hard to willingly subject yourself to something you know will make you feel like crap."

Really, what a profound statement. As I sit here, I am willingly allowing chemicals to be introduced into my body that will make me really sick. All in an effort to kill some bad cells. Ironic, isn't it? One day I was planning my future ... applying for jobs ... and the next, with no warning I am sitting in a doctor's office being told that I have cancer. All stop.

One day Job was living the life of "Old Testament luxury" - kids, flocks, money, houses - no sickness. The next day, all of it was gone. We don't know exactly what Job was doing when he started getting bad news, but we know that he received bad news after bad news ... four times ... without any time to process one thing before the next thing came. 

On a side note, I was NOT living a life of luxury when I received my news! LOL But I digress ...

Through all of this: losing his kids, his flocks, and his servants, Job did not sin. He actually shaved his head, bowed down and worshipped God. Wait, what? Really? How in tune with Jesus he must have been to be able to do that. Even when God allowed Satan to cause him physical pain, he did not sin. There is a lot more in the book of Job that I do not profess to understand fully. He was abandoned by his family and friends, received bad advice from friends, and lamented to God his plight. He was rebuked by God and repented. After all of this God gave back to Job everything he lost two-fold. 

God doesn't choose to bless us because of anything we have done. He also doesn't necessarily allow harm to us because of anything bad we have done. Job was a man of integrity and righteous before God, yet God allowed suffering. What did Job gain from this suffering? A deeper understanding and relationship with God. 

Lessons: (I stole these as I was reading about Job)

1. God used Job's story to teach his friends, wife, and us a lot about His character, suffering, and the human heart.

2. Suffering is not always related to wickedness but is just part of life.

3. Suffering can bring rewards and even joy.

4. God is worthy of our worship no matter what.

Back to my original point: it often takes the bad, hard, and painful to make us physically well again. This is true spiritually as well. If often takes hard and painful things to weed out things in our lives that are keeping us from truly worshipping and knowing God at a deeper level.

On a side note ... if I get boils I may use profanity! 

Job 12:10 "In His hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of mankind."

"What is your Job, Lori?

I am a college professor - it is what I do - what I love - and what God has gifted me for. I LOVE college students! They give me energy. I love having them in my office hanging out, or in my home. I love the classroom where we talk about sports, life, and how to use their sports degree to share Christ. I love the "ah-ha" moments they have. I just love teaching college kids.

In His sovereignty, God brought me to MI two years ago without a full-time job. As I have waited for the next thing I have been able to teach online which has been a blessing. It has allowed me to connect with students, although in a very different format, and stay up to date in my field while pursuing my doctorate.

It was time to apply for jobs and enter the classroom again, or so I thought. I entered the interview process with a potential college and felt sure that this was the one! Then it happened.....I became a statistic. 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer in their lifetime. Well, I became the 1.

Back in December, I entered counseling to work through some things. I don't believe I would have been as prepared to face this new challenge had I not done that. Trust me, I'm still not sure I am doing it all that well! But better than I would have.

Which brings me back to the present moment ... I have had, what feels like, a million appointments and procedures and now, my first treatment. Nothing can prepare you for this. So when meeting with my counselor this week, I told her I feel like I am wasting my time and not accomplishing anything. As only she can do, she gently asked me what my job was. Once I figured out what she meant, and then telling her to shut up :) I said, "to get better, my job is to get better".

It pays nothing, in fact, quite the opposite, but it is my current job. For the first time in my life, it actually FEELS like a JOB. What I mean is that my profession doesn't really feel like a job because I love it. THIS .... THIS feels like a job. It's hard, painful, exhausting, and not fun at all. It's expensive, sometimes isolating, with no guaranteed outcome.

I am learning that praise and thanksgiving are what allows my heart to receive God's peace.

This, this is my job: to get better.