Little Seed & Little Fox

Leave it to a silly children's book to speak to me and make me cry. Leave it to one of my friends to pick this book to read to her kids before bedtime, while in the back of her mind, picking it for me. I have taken a mental health week to sort through all that has and is happening to me these past 2 years. In this week I have met for extended periods of time with a trusted counselor, spent hours alone reading, thinking and praying in the quiet country; spent some time with some sweet friends, and hanging out some with two of the sweetest kids I know. That in itself has been good for my soul.

Back to the book ..... I had the honor to babysit the kids of my friends so that they could go on a date. I think it's the most I have smiled in one clump of time all year. Ohhhhh the conversations with a 3 & 6 year old! Ohhhh the adventures of bedtime rituals and silliness because they were tired. : )

I had two books to read to them that their mom picked out. So, we got their PJ's on, snacks ready to eat, blankets, and went to the couch to read.

Little seed was a literal seed in a packet of seeds who was comfortable in there with all his seed friends. Little fox was a literal fox who was scared of the outside, the wind, and dark shadows. He made his way into the barn where Little seed was. Little seed fell out of the packet and became friends with Little fox. Fast forward some and the farmer found Little seed and said he had a plan for him, and assured him that "it would be ok". He took Little seed and planted him in the ground. He was sad, dirty and lonely. Little fox was sad too, looking all over for little seed. He finally found him and stayed with him during his "growing" months. The farmer kept watch, watering and cultivating the dirt and assuring them both, that it would, "be ok".

After some time went by Little seed began to sprout, fighting his way out of the dirt and turning into a beautiful tree. Little fox and Little seed were together again, weathering rain, wind, dark shadows and enjoying good times together again - always being reminded by the farmer, that "It Will Be OK".

There is more to the story and that is just my brief summary which leaves a lot out. But here are my takeaways:

1.  We all, like Little Seed, like our safe places. We don't like change.
2.  Like Little Fox, we are scared at times of the wind of life, the dark shadows of life.
3.  We find good friends along the way to walk through life with. Some are temporary and some are lifelong. I have both and am so thankful for them.
4.  Our farmer, God, is always watching and looking out for us.
5.  God has a plan for me, just like the farmer did for Little Seed.
6.  God knows the outcome, which is why He can say, "it will be OK".
7. Little Seed had to trust the farmer - I have to trust God.
8.  Sometimes it takes the dark and us getting dirty in order for the "pretty" outcome.
9.  Little Fox waited for Little Seed through his lonely, cold, growing, dirty time, and was there when he "sprouted".
10. I have a few friends who are waiting, with and for me, for me to emerge from the dark, dirty experience and we will all see the beautiful outcome God has in mind, that will ultimately bring Him Glory.

I am sure there are a lot more takeaways. But this is what I came up with for now. Does this mean I am "all good" and over everything? No ... not at all. Let's be honest....grieving a lost dream, and a broken heart takes time; pulling ourselves out of a funk, takes time. Figuring out a new normal is taking time. Being so far from family and some of my closest friends is hard, and quite frankly, I hate it. However.....

1. This is where God has me for right now.
2. When/if it's time to move closer, He will let me know.
3. In the meantime, I have to live in the now.

God is watching over, watering, cultivating me and saying, "It Will Be OK".  Is it a dark and lonely place at times? ABSOLUTELY! But I have some Little Foxes waiting with and for me.

So ..... to my friend who picked that book for me to read to her kids before bed?  I owe you one : )

Vengeance is mine, says The Lord

I want to be a Jedi right now. I want revenge, and I want it badly. If we are all honest, there have been times where we have all thought about getting revenge for something. I remember as a kid, I was terrified of big spiders. (I had a bad childhood experience where I ate one - story for another time). In the 5th grade my classmates found out about this fear, so they mercilessly mocked me and traumatized me further by putting pictures of big harry spiders in y locker, desk, books and lunch bags. I hated them for that! Boy did I want revenge.

At that age, the only thing I knew to do, was beat their cans in any game we played outside - card tossing, racing, king of the mountain, you name it; or by turning them in for spiking the juice at our 6th grade party. Yes, they did ..... and yes, I did.

My forms of inventive and painful ideas for revenge our much bigger today. I want revenge for the hurt my friends have experienced a few years ago. For the lies told to, and about them, the innuendos, the poor, ungodly treatment they endured, all in the name of Jesus. I want revenge for the abused in our churches, where in the name of protecting Jesus and their reputations, some churches ignore, cover up and in some cases outright do not believe and therefore call those accusing, liars. I want revenge for my own experiences, especially this past year and a half. I want everyone to know the truth.

Here's what I think I know about God. If I take revenge, then God won't, or won't need to. His justice will be much better than anything I could do. To be honest, that isn't very satisfying right now, humanly speaking. But, if we believe that God's Word is true and all of His promises are true, then "vengeance is mine, says the Lord". He WILL do it. So whether that is here on earth or when they (we) face Jesus face-to-face, vengeance will be had. Just as sobering is anything I will have to answer for as well.

If you really think about that, what could be better revenge than having them face Jesus and give account for what they did? So I guess I'll let Jesus handle this.

What Then.....

Today is a day of a myriad of emotions. I went to see my dad for the first time in his new place of residence, being cared for by others. I wanted to throw up after I left. Of course he didn't greet us or know who we were. You could tell he understood that he should know my brother and called him his godly friend.

They seem like good people there and are taking good care of him. After almost 4 years of being cared for by my brother and his family, this was the next step in caring for our dad. In a lot of ways it has lifted a burden and yet when you say goodbye and leave him there, you don't feel very good about it.

As we left, our conversation went something like this...

Every life has value. Every life has a purpose. But what then ...... when all there is left, is sleeping, eating, sitting watching TV and not having any conversation, not knowing even your family and not having any memories of your life. What then?

Dad spent his entire life investing in others. He knew and remembered everybody it seemed. He could tell you where you were in the highway based on the mile marker. That's insane. He could tell you every detail of meeting, and eventually, marrying my mom. Now he can't tell you what he had for lunch, or whether he ate at all.

It makes you think of life, and what is important. But it also makes you question a Sovereign God. Don't judge me....we all do it. Is this all there is at the end? Some clothes, a room, no memories, no purpose when you wake up in the morning. Then just let him die and go see Jesus and mom. Why let him sit like this....how long do we have to watch this? Why couldn't you have let mom and dad live out their remaining years enjoying their grandchildren? Do what they loved to do...travel, missions...watch the kids play sports.

We don't know how to define how life has value in a case like this. Other than to say that it is sanctifying us as a family. Showing our kids (my nephews and niece) what it is like to make sacrifices in order to take care of our aging parents. Putting other things on hold during these years. Making the trip multiple times a week to spend an hour with a parent who won't know whether you are there or not. Why? Because it matters.

Hard things that our finite minds can't understand, so our only good option is to trust in the One who gives us life and who will one day return and all these questions will be answered. Or we just won't care anymore .......

On another note - I met a lady named Carol today, who seems to "like" my dad. They were sitting on a love seat together with her arm intertwined in his and leaning into each other. Now I know they both aren't aware of anything. And quite frankly, my dad is has no clue about her. But I didn't like it. Thankfully Chad (a worker) made her get up so we could sit next to him.

Really?  😐

When your desires turn to disasters

What happens when your desires turn into a disaster? Do you remember as a kid having a list of things you wanted or desired to happen in your life? I had quite a few. I wanted to be the best basketball player in college, start as a freshman, be an All-American (sounds pretty vain now - lol), win a National title, get married, have kids, teach, coach, retire young and live my days out on the water in a log cabin. And by log cabin, I don't mean rustic either. Some came true, some didn't; some turned into a disaster.

History is one of my favorite things ever to read about, watch, and learn about. One of my favorite stories in History is about the Titanic. Why? Because of all the "one little things" that could have made a difference between the boat sinking or not. If they would have spent a little more money on the rivets, maybe they wouldn't have blown out. If they had stopped and hit the iceburg head on, instead of turning away from it. If they would have gone a little slower. If they would have listened to the ice warnings. If one man would have not desired to "win the speed" battle. If they would have had a few more lifeboats. There are a lot of "ifs", and of course, "hindsight is 20/20".

It was the biggest, fanciest, and quite possibly the fastest cruise ship to date. They were making good time crossing the Atlantic to dock into New York, but Bruce Ismay wanted to beat the fastest time and urged Captain Smith to go a little bit faster. One man's desire turned into a disaster.

 I grew up with mindset that if I just obeyed God and applied Prov. 3:5-6, that all of those dreams and desires would come to fruition. Of course, that thinking isn't correct and led me down a difficult path for quite awhile. Thankfully, over time, I began to understand who God really is and what a true relationship with Him looks like. Desires and dreams aren't bad. Ultimately, however, it is God who decides what we need to become more like Him and to bring Glory to Him. Because that is what it's about:  becoming more like Jesus - sanctification

But what about when you are given a desire of your heart and it blows up? It turns into a disaster before you've had time to blink. Hindsight is 20/20 and honestly it can be a torture to someone like me who maybe thinks a little too much. What if ..... what if I had asked more questions, what if there was more counseling, what if I had done this different, or that better .... you name it and fill in your own "what ifs".  None of those questions, after the fact, are really helpful. That doesn't mean we don't learn from circumstances, but we can't "live there", in the what ifs. I'm stuck in the what ifs and working my way out.

Sometimes we are the recipients of unfair circumstances. What do we do when we find ourselves in one of those? Joseph didn't deserve to be sold by his brothers, or to be wrongfully accused and thrown into jail. Job didn't deserve to have his entire family and possessions taken from him. Paul and Silas didn't deserve to be beaten, dragged, lied about and thrown into jail. What did they do?

Joseph stayed faithful and praised Jesus.
Job praised Jesus.
Paul and Silas praised and worshiped Jesus.

When faced with unfair or painful circumstances the only way to adjust was to take their eyes off of their circumstances and onto Jesus. Change one's perspective. Worship your way out of those circumstances. We have NO control over circumstances, but we do have control over how we respond. This, of course, is nothing new and I am writing to the choir. But I need the reminder right now, and so I write as a member of the choir.

Step back and remember that there is a God in Heaven, who died for us and gave us His Grace when we didn't deserve it, that He has us in His hands and will get us/me where He wants me when He wants me there. ( I stole this )  Worshiping in the painful moments gives God the chance to change me - set me free from disappointment and pain.

God may give us the desires of our hearts, but without Him in all the "little things", the desire and dream may turn into a disaster. When it does,

Step Back
Worship
Get perspective

I am reminded, by a friend, to keep doing out of obedience, the little things:  read God's Word, listen to good worship music, pray,  keep talking to friends who are walking with me - at some point, the heart will follow the head. Those things will take root and God will heal.

EPILOGUE:  While worshiping and singing, God broke Paul and Silas's chains, leading to them leading the jailer and his family to Jesus; this family becoming part of the first church written about in Philippians. Joseph was used to save an entire nation from famine. Job was given double of what he lost, god blessed him and he lived a long life.

The jailer brought pain into their lives and they brought grace into his.   (yeah, to be honest, I'm not there yet, but hope to be. Why? Because God gave me Grace - the most undeserving - and I am to extend that grace)

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

 Anybody remember this movie from the late 60's? Clint Eastwood and friends are searching for stolen gold during the American Civil War. Lots of shooting and everything else that is in a good western.

 If only life were like a good movie, a Hallmark if you will. But it isn't. I am in no way comparing life to this movie. I am just stealing the words: the good, the bad and the ugly. THAT is real life. There's good stuff, not so good stuff, and then downright crappy stuff.

I have written a lot about the good and bad, and how to have a proper outlook and perspective...or what I've learned or am learning through them. However, I've never really written about the ugly. Why? Who knows....maybe I don't want to be that transparent; maybe I don't want platitudes; and maybe people will think I want attention ( I don't ). But I'm a blogger .... so I blog.

Here's the ugly.  Life sucks right now. Trying to pick up the pieces of broken promises, a broken heart that says no one will ever hurt me again, ever; of a very weary soul. Actually, I'm not sure I'm really trying to pick them up right now. They are just laying there. Watching as our family makes the ultimate decision to have others care for our dad, who has absolutely no memory of us anymore. I feel like the Psalmist who cries out to God and asks where He is and asks him to hear his voice.  Why does He seem silent? Why can I read verses and not even comprehend what I'm reading? Why does He seem to be answering all my friend's requests and not mine? Why can I barely pray? Not because I don't want to, but because I don't know what to say or ask for anymore. Just going through the motions has me weary and slightly freaking out.

I've heard life comes down to choices. We choose to love, choose to forgive, choose to hold a grudge, choose to hate, choose joy .... you name it. Not based on feelings. Well, there ARE feelings involved; true, raw feelings. So what do we do?  Invest in others, read our Bibles anyway, go to Church anyway; listen to good music; remind ourselves of God's truths. What if that isn't working, then what? I don't know. Maybe that will be another blog. For now I am reminded of the song: "Eye of the Storm";

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm
Mmm, when my hopes and dreams are far from me, and I'm runnin' out of faith
I see the future I picture slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus' name

In the eye of the storm (yeah, yeah)
You remain in control (yes you do, Lord)
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me (Your love surrounds me)
In the eye of the storm (in the eye of the storm)

Right now they are just words, yet they are Truth.

So, maybe not the feel - good post or funny posts I am usually known for. However, an honest one. Life isn't always funny and there aren't always "happy" endings. I can't wait until there is - when Jesus returns.

Did they ever find the gold at the end of the movie?  I have no idea!

Apartment Living

So I made a list tonight ... I have moved and lived in 17 different places over the years. I have rented 15 of them and I've owned one home. This is my first apartment .... and it looks nothing like the above picture. I live in a building with 4 apartments, on the top floor.

I'm not going to lie ... I miss my house. I miss the landscaping! I miss cutting my grass (I think!) I miss playing my music as loud as I want to and not worrying about others being able to hear it. I miss OWNING my own home. I miss deciding to paint a wall and not having to ask permission. I miss paying a mortgage, knowing my check was going back into my home, instead of flushing it ... Yes, I have been feeling sorry for myself some. 

Here is what I DON'T miss about owning my home ... having to replace a sump pump - twice; shoveling my own sidewalk and stairs when it snows. I don't miss being responsible for anything that broke. I don't miss having to replace an entire sidewalk! I don't miss people parking on my grass!

Here is what Jack has taught me in the different places I have lived or stayed temporarily these past two years ... it doesn't matter where you actually LIVE. All he cared about was whether I was with him. It took him a couple of days to adjust each time, but then it was as if he had been there forever. He didn't care, as long as I was there. Now I don't have a human like Jack does, but I do have a lot.

I have ... a place to live. I like it a lot. It was was renovated so everything inside is brand new. I have a family. I have friends here. I have a good job. I work with great people. I have a great support system and friends at a distance. I have someone else that will cut the grass, fix stuff that breaks and shovel the driveway. 

See, Jack doesn't care where he lives because he isn't attached to a place. He is attached to a person ... me. I am trying not to care either ... why?  because a lot of people don't have what I have. But mostly because I am attached to Jesus, so wherever I go, He goes. It might take me time too adjust ( longer than jack! ), but Jesus is there with me, so it's going to be OK.

Oh, and I have a BATHTUB again!

March and other Madness

If we wonder why it's called "March Madness", you only had to watch Villanova and Wisconsin play today. In fact, there are 20 seconds left and a tied game! It's madness. In fact, Nova just lost and I had them going to the Final Game! Bracket buster ....

Other then the NFL season, March Madness, for me, is the next best athletic season ever! Bracket busters, Cinderella stories, first time teams (Northwestern), feel-good stories, last second shots that go in, and last second shots that don't, family brackets and trash talking, work brackets and pools. Technology has made this time of the year even more fun with apps, immediate notifications, and of course, the ability to watch a game on your phone while you are in a meeting. You know we have all done it, so don't judge!

This is one of those times when that old coach's saying of, "any team can win on any given night", actually comes true. It's also a time where we actually see grown men cry and women screaming at the TV.  My Cindarella story? Northwestern. I didn't pick them to get past the round of 32, but I would love it if they did. 

In other madness ..... if you didn't hear by now, we set a snow record here in Clarks Summit this week. We had over 30 plus inches of snow. All of it pretty much in a 24 hour period of time. Not gonna lie, I enjoyed the 3 days off from school that it afforded us. My nephew was at my house and since we got snowed in, we played Wii games! In fact, I was so sore after the first night that I had to "rest up"! LOL  Clarks Summit had a travel ban for two days. Not that anyone wanted to go out. It was madness. My one attempt out landed me in a ditch. Good thing some nice guys pulled me out with a chain and pick up truck.

In other news ..... the Lord continues to build my trust and faith in Him. I joke a lot recently about not wanting to "adult" anymore. In reality, sometimes that is true. However, in what seems like a long season of disappointments and hurt, God continues to meet me where I am, provide for me in some crazy ways, and shows me glimpses of light.

My favorite march madness, Charles Barkley commercial......."Snakes on a Plane".

http://www.adweek.com/brand-marketing/samuel-l-jackson-charles-barkley-and-spike-lee-eat-steaks-on-a-plane-for-capital-one/