My Favorite Holiday

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. Not necessarily for what it means. Quite frankly, we should be thankful everyday and tell those we care about why we are thankful for them, more than once a year.

It's because of what it has always represented: food, family/friends, and football - seriously. Those who know me, know that I LOVE to eat good food! Everybody coming home to eat mom's cooking, watch football and take naps. Play outside. My mom's green bean casserole and homemade apple pie. One of my other "mom's" cranberry salad and another "mom's" amazing cooking, shrimp and homemade blueberry pie.  Playing cards for hours! Nothing was open and you just hung out with family and friends. The day after, my mom would get out all of the Christmas stuff and we'd start decorating.

This year, it's a little different. Not sure it's my favorite holiday anymore. Life's experiences change things. This year is the first year I don't have at least one parent to call or be with. New traditions that I thought I'd be starting didn't happen. This is the first year that I can remember, not being either with my family or my other "family's" homes. It's weird. We will all experience something similar at some point in our lives. Somehow I just didn't think it would happen! LOL

Today I cooked for some boys, including my nephew. He couldn't be with his family so I wanted to make it special for him. We have WAY too much food leftover, but had fun making it and hanging out watching football. Well, I did while they napped. Tough being young. I think the monkey bread put us over the edge.

Life has a way of putting things into perspective. I'm learning to not have expectations. To take one day at a time. To trust God has my best interest, and my holiness, in mind. To cherish every time I get to spend with family and good friends. To not worry about ......... that surgery, that bill, what will happen when...., what will happen if...., what about.....you get the picture. Anxiety is my life long nemesis! 

Here are God's deeds this year:

• He has provided me with a good job
• He has provided a safe place to heal
• He has given me sweet friends, near and afar
• He worked out details so I can get a needed surgery
• He provided a great place for my dad
• He has answered some significant prayers for my friends
• He has provided someone really special for my BF
• He has given me daily grace to move forward
• On hard days, He gets me through
• He has given me a great, and very fun staff, to work with
• He has given me a great boss to work with
• He provides for my daily needs

Everything else.....and my future....are in His hands. I, daily, have to trust and choose to trust even if it isn't easy, even if I don't understand, and even if I desire something different.

He is God ..... I am not.  He is good ..... I am inconsistent.  He knows best ..... I do not (even though I think I do). He is worthy ..... of my trust and praise.

Not My Will ...

I was reading a devotional this morning about our “Gethsemanes” in life. It was about Jesus in the Garden and how He agonized over what was to come. In the end, He prayed these words: “Not my will, but yours be done”. Of course He was talking to God. 

The gist of the devotional was about how we all face our own “Gethsemanes” in life. A time where....

• Life doesn’t make sense
• You are overwhelmed
• You are weary of the battle
• You face one battle after another 
• You face death

I read on, waiting for the “how to” section. The, “this will make it easier” section. The, “this will make you feel better” section. You know, I am a list person. Tell me how to do something. Give me the steps to follow. But for PETE’S sake, do NOT tell me that at some point I just “have to” ...

• Forgive
• Forget
• Move on
• Let go
• Trust God
• Believe, have faith

Those steps never came in this devotional. I literally said, out loud, “are you kidding, that’s the end, that’s it”? It ended with the the fact that at some point all God wants to hear is, “not my will but yours be done”. Some of my wills ....

Take my dad home to see mom and Jesus now.

Faster healing from divorce would be great.

Not having physical pain every day would be awesome.

Having my own home again ... now THAT is a big desire.

Not having to worry about money and being able to “retire” some day.

Being closer to my circle of friends and family is a huge desire.

Wanting to have another chance at marriage.

But I was reminded today that Jesus had the biggest “Gethsemane” of all, and He had the power to walk away from it. But He didn’t. Why? Out of obedience to the Father. Out of love for us.

That’s it ..... “not my will, but yours be done”.

It’s not easy. I am no better than anyone else for writing or thinking about this. I don’t do this very well. It’s just that now and then the Holy Spirit nudges me to do something, to think about something, to be reminded of something .... and then to act. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t. Probably more often than not, I don’t. 

Say it, Lori....daily. It will take hold and make its way to your heart.

Refrigerator Friends

I do like a nice refrigerator. Stainless steel, with an ice maker, a water dispenser and fun storage. What I hate about them? That I have to fill them.....by shopping.....and spending money. If someone could just shop for me, cook for me and clean up afterwards, that would be awesome! The other thing is that sometimes it just smells......usually because I've left something in there too long. It's really bad if that's the case when you have people over. It takes awhile to get that smell out too.

I heard the term this week, "refrigerator friends", as living in community was the theme of our Bible conference. Those are people who can walk into your home, open your fridge and make a sandwich.....without asking. Or can say, "wow, something stinks in there!" To be honest, some of my friends ask for the dates on things I have in there before they will eat it!

The question is, do we have "heart refrigerator friends"? Those who are allowed to open our hearts and tell us something is rotten in there. Or can open your heart and know that you are discouraged and try to encourage you. It is only when we live in that kind of community that we can stand strong. It is only through authentic relationships that we can be how God created us to be.

Why did Peter deny Jesus three times? I don't totally know, but I do know that he left when they came to get Jesus from the Garden. The disciples left. Peter followed from a distance and sat in the same crowd that would choose to kill Jesus. He was standing alone when he denied Christ. It's really hard to stand strong when you stand alone. The longer we live like that, in isolation, the easier it becomes.

Who are your "refrigerator friends"? I have some. I have two now in Indiana. I FaceTime weekly with them. We get caught up but also ask and answer the hard questions. We pray for each other and often together. I have one in OH....who has allowed me to love her kids. She is intentional about asking refrigerator - like questions. I have one in CO, one in MI and one in PA. I can't imagine life without them.

Who are yours?

5 Years

Dear Mom,

I was sitting at another funeral today and it dawned on me that in a few months it will be 5 years since you breathed your last breath on earth and breathed your first in Heaven. I really miss you. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you at some point. Especially when I am now back "home" and could have seen you every day.

A lot has happened in these 5 years.

• I've had a few more surgeries. I'm sure that comes as NO surprise to you since you always said I'd be in a wheelchair by age 25, due to the way I played ball! Well, I've made it an extra 25, and although sometimes I wish I could have someone push me around, I'm happy to say that I am still upright.
• I lost Skylar, your Granddog. She was 16. I now have Jack! who is a small Terrier mix. you'd love him. He'd sit in your lap all day.
• Preston graduated from high school and is now at College. You'd be so proud of him. He's at CSU. Wish you were here to watch him play ball.
• Quinten is a senior in HS and wants to be a Pediatric Doctor. Wow, is that kid smart! He takes after you and Scott. You would love his heart!
• Deacon is 14 and a freshman in HS. He LOVES fishing and has his first homecoming date! He is a little version of Scott.
• Lily is 14 and in 8th grade. We wanted her and Deacon to not feel like they were tied at the hip so kept them a year apart in class. She is spunky, beautiful and a great soccer player. She also loves to make things - she has your artistic bent.
• I'm not longer in Ohio. I got married and moved to Va. Sadly, I am now divorced. In some ways I am glad you didn't live to see that. It will be a year Dec. 26 that he divorced me. Maybe when he gets to Heaven you may want to have a "mom talk" with him!
• Dad is MI and we have finally had to put him in full time care. Mom, he never recovered from your passing. None of us expected the timing but he never expected it really and wasn't prepared. Scott and his family have taken great care of him, but we are praying that God allows him to join you soon. He no longer knows who we are.
• Guess where I am now? Back at CSU. I'm the athletic director and women's basketball coach now here. I came here after my divorce and am beginning my second year here. Crazy huh!?
• I see your friend Peggy a lot. She misses you too. I know you've see Dr. Arp up there. Very sad and unexpected.

Well, I am sure there are a lot more things that have happened, but those are the highlights. Oh, remember Kir? She has a boyfriend! I'm sure you'd love that. While I wish you were here, I don't. Because I know you are singing with Jesus. I wish you could tell me they why's of all that I am experiencing. I wonder if God let's you in on stuff like that.

In some ways, 5 years have flown by. In other ways, it has been slow as molasses. I still remember most details of those days in the hospital and after. I still wonder, to this day, if you were trying to say something to Scott and I as we sat with you in hospice. Your eyes caught ours and you mumbled something. We choose to believe God gave you a moment of clarity and knew we were with you. 

I've also started to be a little "crafty", so to speak! LOL  nothing like what you could do, but I think you'd be proud. I've made a few things for my apartment. Makes me think of you. See, it wasn't a waste of time, trying to teach me all that girly, crafty stuff after all!

Mom, love you and miss you. 

Fears and Voices

My Church is doing a series on "How to Be Brave" - pushing back and overcoming our fears. This has been a lifeline struggle for me. One would think that with how competitive I am that I would not allow fears and negative voices keep me from pushing through. 

Courage comes from the battle within our minds. We get weighed down by our thoughts and by the lies we believe. Believing lies is something I have fought my entire life. I have talked often about speaking truth and how that is something I have been learning to do in these last 10 years. Some seasons are harder than others to fight off those demons of lies. 

So, let's talk about the Isrealites. God PROMISED He would lead them to, and give them, the Promised Land. Moses sent 12 spies to go into the land to scope it out and to come back with a plan to go in and take the land. He asked them very specific questions about the land. So in they went and for 40 days they sought answers to those questions.

We know the story, however I have never thought about it in these terms before. They were going to have to go in and fight, but God said He would give the land to them. OK, so just go in and take it, right? What's the problem?

Voices.......voices were the problem. 10 of the spies came back and talked all about how big and strong and fortified the people and land were. They spread fear and a negative report around the camp. So much so that the people of Israel wept and said that it would be better to go back to Egypt and be under the tyranny they had lived under before. Ironic - they cried for a leader to deliver them from Egypt and now they were crying for a leader to take them back. Why? I guess they at least knew what to expect. Their fear paralyzed them. 

Joshua and Caleb saw the same things as the other 10. They saw the problems and challenges, but they also the power and promises of God. "He will lead us.....He will give it to us ....". Perspective was the difference. Because the people listened to the voices of the 10, that generation never saw the Promised Land and wandered for the next 40 years in the wilderness. 

We listen to three voices: those around us (technology), those along side of us (relationships), and those behind us (from our past).  I am challenged, with all the technology around us, to limit how much I am on my phone, watching TV, etc. I have some great relationships around me that speak truth and hope, pray for me and call me on the carpet when needed. I have also eliminated some relationships that did the opposite of that.

The voices I struggle with most are those behind me. "Your a jock; you aren't feminine enough; you are smart enough",  ..... and others I won't share. I am fighting lies of a marriage that destroyed my confidence in a lot ways. I am trying to turn up the voice of God who has promised me/us a lot of things in His word. 

What has God promised you/me? What has He told us to do? IF He promises to lead us, be with us, take care of us, etc. then what is holding us/me back?  

Courage

"There is an Eagle in me that wants to sore, but a hippo in me that wants to wallow in the mud" Carl Sandburg

I'm trying to stop wallowing. I am trying to remember whose I am - I am a Child of God.

A Father's Dream

Today was the first day of a new responsibility for me. It was also the start of one of my dad's dreams ... to have his children, or at least one of them, back at CSU, as Director of Athletics. I think he thought it would be my brother, but alas, right now its the girl! It seems weird and unreal, but here we are. 

I'm not really worthy to follow in my dad's steps. He is an amazing man. Here are some areas that I fall short of my dad's ....

1. Knowing names - my dad remembered everyone he met! That is no lie or exaggeration. He knew you by name and he didn't forget you. I can barely remember my immediate families names!

2. Directions - in no way do I have my father's gift of directional abilities. I am, as they say, directional challenged. My dad would call to check on me if I was driving to visit he and my mom and ask what mile marker I was at! He could tell by that number where I was..... just sick!

3. His ability to make you feel like you were the most important person on earth. If I like you, I can probably make you feel that way!

4. His organizational skills were second to none. For basketball camp he had a massive notebook detailing every minute of the week, every drill and breakdown of those drills. I, on the other hand, have a piece of paper for each day! 

5. My dad's gift of encouragement was killer too. He could make the worst player think they could dunk the ball, even if they couldn't walk and dribble at the same time. 

Here is what I do have - my dad's love of college students, using athletics to build relationships, and his last name. We are getting to a time where the name isn't as recognizable as it once was. So I build on it. I take what I learned from my dad, put my own spin, personality and gifts to it and carry on the family name and the family job. While the gym is named for my dad, I get to coach in it. I also get to make decisions on redesigning it. That's cool.  

So in some ways, my dad's legacy lives on. His kid is the Interim AD at the place he loved. While he no longer has his steel-trapped mind, one day he will know and be proud.

By the way, I also have my dad's uncanny musical ability....and by that I mean it's so uncanny that I can #singall4parts ..... at the same time.

Don't Look Down

On my way to church this morning I asked God to speak to me. Not because I am so spiritual, but precisely because I'm not. I'm a messy Christ follower, whose spirit is often in turmoil lately. I should probably stop trying to make sense of life! I am a BIG believer in the Holy Spirit, that He is ever present, that He speaks to us, both to settle and convict our hearts.

The story goes like this:  the widow at Zarephath was using the last of her oil and flour to make one last loaf of bread for her and her son. She was then going to die. Elijah was told by God to go there and when he saw the widow, he asked her for something to drink and eat. She told him that she only had this little bit left to feed her and her son and then she was going to die.

She obeyed God (God said He instructed her to feed Elijah) and we all know the story....she had enough oil and flour to continue making bread and it never ran out. She was asked to give up all that she had, even to the last drop of food she had.

Do you ever feel like you have given "everything" and aren't sure what is left to give? I do. Sometimes I think of all those things I've lost or given up - physical abilities, parents, husband, dogs, friends by distance, a house, money, etc. What is left to give? The simple, spiritual answer? Me. I've never refused to give myself to Jesus, but in that process there is a refining that happens to make me more like him. Apparently, I need a lot of refining.....I say that half jokingly, but also mean it. There is something about me that requires a lot of refining....I guess.

We all know that Peter was the leader of the early Church. In preparation for that, one of the lessons he had to learn was one where he and the disciples were in a boat during a storm. The disciples saw what they thought was a ghost on the water during the storm. We know it was Jesus and He told them so. As Peter stepped out of the boat and walked toward Jesus, he took his eyes off of Him and began to sink. Of course, Jesus held out His hand and saved Peter.

As an aside....no one else got out of the boat to walk to Jesus. If we don't get out of the boat, in trust of what Jesus is asking us to do, we won't fulfill His calling on our lives. They all stayed in the boat where it was relatively safe, while Peter stepped out and in doing so, increased his faith in God.

God didn't leave Peter in his failure, but gave him another chance to "walk on the water", with Him. God didn't calm the storm until AFTER they both walked back to the boat. Our tendency is to ask God to calm or stop the storm, instead of asking Him to meet us there or draw us to Himself.

So what did the Spirit speak to me today?  Well.....instead of asking WHY all of this stuff is happening to me, ask WHAT am I being prepared for. Getting out of the boat for Peter was uncomfortable. For me, one of those, "getting out of the boats", is forgiveness.

With this heart open wide

From the depths from the heights

I will bring a sacrifice

With these hands lifted high

Hear my song, hear my cry

I will bring a sacrifice

I will bring a sacrifice

I lay me down I'm not my own

I belong to you alone

Lay me down, lay me down

Hand on my heart this much is true

There's no life apart from you

Lay me down, lay me down

Lay me down, lay me down

Letting go of my pride

Giving up all my rights

Take this life and let it shine

Take this life and let it shine

I lay me down I'm not my own

I belong to You alone

Lay me down, lay me down

Hand on my heart this much is true

There's no life apart from You

Lay me down, lay me down

Lay me down, lay me down

It will be my joy to say Your will Your way

It will be my joy to say Your will Your way

It will be my joy to say Your will Your way always

By the way, it's when Peter took his eyes off of Jesus that he began to sink. Don't look down.

When God Chooses to Bless Others

One of the lessons I am in the middle of learning is what to do or think when God blesses those around me.  I guess the reality is, it really isn't any of my business. However, reality is also that I am human and so I watch and observe, and things that shouldn't affect me, sometimes do.

One of the definitions of the word blessing, is, "a thing conducive to happiness or welfare". God gives, and allows, good things that contribute to our happiness, but if I am looking to those things to determine my happiness, I am in trouble. Life is unpredictable. Good and bad happens. As Job said, "God gives and God takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord".  My happiness/contentment is dependent on the person of Jesus, not stuff. On WHO He is, not WHAT He gives me. On His promises, not my desires.  God gives each of us WHAT we need to become more like Him. Or, conversely, He takes away things to make us more like Him. 

Quite frankly, sometimes He gives us good things, because He chooses to. Out of love for us. Because He can. Because He wants to. None of it means I did something wrong or right. None of it means He doesn't love me, or that I don't love Him enough.

Who am I to decide or to think I know what I, or others, need?  God doesn't give us things because we "do the right things". He doesn't withhold things from us because we, "did the wrong things". He alone gets to choose what He gives, when He gives it, and to whom He gives it to. My response:  "blessed be the name of the Lord" - thankfulness, love God ... and love others.

Unmet expectations.....I've been thinking about this idea lately. Especially with regards to relationships. This is where relationships break down. When we have expectations that aren't met. I think this is true when it comes to our relationship with God as well. If I have the expectation that God should give me what I want, give me what He gives others, give me what I think will make me happy, then I will always be in a perpetual state of discontent and unhappiness. Or at least on a roller coaster of emotion.

So what do we do when God chooses to bless others? Part of relationships is weeping when others weep, and rejoicing when others rejoice. So I choose to rejoice ....

• When my best friend is in a relationship with an amazing guy.
• When another friend is provided a job closer to friends and family - and is reunited with a former co-worker.
• When a friend delivers a healthy baby following cancer.
• When a friend gets a new job - AND moves south where it is warmer :)
• When a friend adds a beautiful baby girl to their home, for however long God chooses.
• When a co-worker gets married and is enjoying a new marriage.

None of this comes naturally - at least to me. It is hard sometimes. Especially when I am in the midst of a hard season. And by the way, sometimes God NOT giving us something or taking us through a storm IS the blessing.  (when I figure out how, I'll let you know! I just know it to be true, in my head)

On a more trivial note:  the tip of my tongue has been numb since my surgery Monday. Very weird feeling. BUT, the feeling is coming back! The human body is an amazing thing! 

The feeling in my tongue is a blessing :)

Waves

I just spent some time in one of my favorite places with a sweet friend. It is one of the things I look most forward to each summer. It's a small beach town in MI. We walk around town with coffee in hand, walk the pier, sit at the beach all day (weather permitting) read, play games, talk and just rest. In some ways, it is life giving - both the rest and the company.

Here's the thing though ... you never know what the beach is going to give you each day. On a good summer we've had sun the entire time. But often, you just don't know what the weather is going to do. This summer was no exception. One day it was calm and quiet. The water was so still you could see deep down and watch the fish swim.

No waves, no wind ... just stillness. Peaceful - calm - quiet.

The next day something blew in, literally! The waves were crazy and splashing up onto the pier such that it was covered in water in some places. If you walked too close to the edge, you were bound to get wet. The wind was blowing and it was "cold" on the beach. 

Lots of waves, windy ... noisy, unsettled. 

A week later, I am pondering the difference between the two and how it is much like life. We go through times where our lives are calm and peaceful, like the stillness of the beach on a quiet, still night. Then there are times where life hits us like an out of control wave and knocks us down. It catches us in the undertow, drags us away and we struggle to get out from under it.

Lately, it seems like I've been hit more with waves than the calmness of a quiet lake. When I feel like I was getting a foothold on the undertow, another wave would hit me. Like the disciples I have cried out in fear (OK, and in anger, frustration, etc) but God has not chosen to calm the storm yet. Or not in the way He did for them - speaking and the waves stopped. 

Here is a difference I see - even in the midst of the storm and crashing waves, we are able to see deep down (like seeing fish in the calm waters) and see the One holding us, giving us strength, and giving us peace, that at the time we can't understand. Why? Because Jesus IS the calm in the storm, He CALLS to the waves and they stop still. In OUR weakness, He is our strength.

My joy is anchored in Jesus - not my life's circumstances. I can't control much. But I have to choose to rest in His arms during the storm, wait on Him to heal and grow me through the storms He is allowing, and come to Him with my questions, anger, hurts and desires .... and let Him take them on and give me peace.

We must choose to release our problems and choose to replace our thoughts - you know, the ones we replay in our minds, stress over and allow Satan to put there. 

I stole this:  grapes vs glass - each responds differently to a hammer. Hit glass, and shards of glass will cut and hurt you and others. Hit a grape with a hammer and out comes juice. 

I confess, often times lately, I have been glass, but desire to be the grape.

Sticks and Stones

The old Children's rhyme we all remember, yet know in our maturity as untrue. (sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me) It is said to first have appeared in 1862 in the Christian Recorder.  We were taught to say it as kids to remind us to ignore the hurtful words of others.

The truth is that words can be very hurtful. When I was younger I expected name-calling and hurtful words. Somehow I expected that as I got older it would stop. We would mature as followers of Jesus and realize that our words can wound the soul deeply. I was wrong. It still happens. I do it. We all do it.

Why? Well we can give the pat answer of, we are all sinners, so it is expected. We have to stop using this as an OK to do wrong. If we have the same Spirit in us as Jesus did when He rose Lazurus from the dead, or changed water into wine, then we have the ability through the power of the Holy Spirit to control our tongues. Things are said in the heat of the moment, that we regret later. But some of the most hurtful words, to me, are those made in ignorance and in the calm of a moment. We make judgments about others based on appearance, perception or on what we've heard. We don't think those we are talking about will hear what we've said. 

I don't have an good answer as to the "why". Maybe insecurity, jealousy ... who knows. WHAT I know is that being a recipient of hurtful words has made me very aware of my own words lately. I am praying that God gives me the control over my tongue and love in my heart, to use my words well and wisely. 

So this is a reminder to me as well as my readers (all 2 of you!)  LOL .......... words can give life or "death". Words can encourage the soul or wound it deeply. Words can make you smile or cry. Words can make you angry or put a smile on your face. Words can be hurtful or helpful. If you are like me, unkind and hurtful words are hard for me to forget. They penetrate deeply at times. I am also a "words of affirmation" person on the Love Languages, so that may be why words have such a deep affect me.

Not knowing other's background or life experiences should cause us to pause first, get to know them and understand them. Hold our tongues. Reserve our judgments. 

Prov. 18:21 "Death and live are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits."
Prov. 12:18 " There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."
Prov. 16:24 "Kind word are like honey - sweet to the soul and healthy for the body."

Vice

Miami Vice comes to mind when I see this picture. You know, the show from the 80's with Don Johnson in his white suits and open shirt to his naval!  Yeah, you remember! Well, that's not who I am referring to with this post. I am referring to the things we use to hold ourselves together, so to speak. 

This kind of vice. Something with two ends, when squeezed together it holds something in place, something together, until on it's own it can stand alone.

We all have them. Things we use to keep us together during tough times. Things to hold us together while we heal or can stand on our own. Things we do to make ourselves feel better. Here's a few:

Eating
Drinking
Shopping
Sex
Drugs
Gambling 
Cleaning
Perfectionism 

The list can go on ..... what is yours?

Mine is shopping. "Retail therapy" as we call it. I'm not talking about buying things for family or friends. Giving gifts is one of my love languages. I'm not even talking about things I need. I'm talking about suddenly seeing something being advertised that I NEED! Or that's cool, or fun looking, or ... you name it, I'll find a reason to get it. There are a few times when it has gotten me into financial difficulty, where I had to ask for some accountability. 

I shop and buy things because it makes me feel good. But here's the thing:  it's temporary. I have to buy again to get that same feeling. Like drugs, you have to keep taking it to feel good and at some point you become immune so you have to take more. My shopping is not THAT bad :) However, you get my point. It's a good thing I now live in an apartment and not a house! I really don't have the room for anything else. Ha Ha

My newest attempt at trying to feel better ... online dating site. In a vulnerable moment I decided to try it. Now for those of you who have done it, have friends who have met their spouse that way, I am all good with that and not saying it's a bad thing.  It's just not for me. Not the way I want to find someone - if God has that for me again.

The issue is, why did I do it. Quite frankly, and I am not proud of it, but I needed to see if anyone would be interested. When you go through a divorce it plays with you in lots of ways and it has played with my confidence some. So the "smiles" and "likes" made me feel good. For awhile anyway.  After a few days, I couldn't do it anymore and stopped. Here's the thing: their smiles and likes are based on a photo and some words I wrote. That's it. They don't know me and who I really am. Anyone can say anything and can look like you match based on how you both answered questions. My point is it gives you a false sense of confidence.

It pushes me back to Jesus. At least I am trying to let it. God is the only one who can give me confidence, security, joy, etc. He never breaks HIS promises. He loves me for who I am - good thing because He created me to be who I am. He loves me for who He sees I can be, in Him, through Him and for Him.

This is where community comes in as well. But we don't like to ask for help because it means being vulnerable. Telling someone our vice. Admitting we can't do something alone. Admitting we need help. While I am careful with whom I ask, I am not above asking for that kind of community anymore. I need it. We need it. So if you have a vice you need to deal with, ask for help. Ask for accountability. But most importantly, look to Jesus. 

The "My Pillow" ... best thing I have ever bought! Seriously. 
The "Body Pillow" ... worst thing I've ever bought! Not that it isn't good, but it is not like the picture they show on TV. It's not the same size. It's not as fluffy, and it doesn't make me feel like I am being cuddled by a pillow!

Lesson From a Wolf Pack

 I love animals, and I especially love dogs! I feel like there is a lot to learn from them. My brothers and I grew up with a German Shepherd named Heidi. She was the best! When it came time for me to get one of my own, I chose a shepherd/husky, and named her Skylar. Within a few years, as I was driving to work, I saw a puppy on the side of the road. Of course, I stopped, grabbed her and the rest was history. She was a German Shepherd, I named Chloe.

It was like having two kids, who fought (even drawing blood at times), cuddled on the bed together, hung out in the yard and cost me A LOT of money over the years. Each had their own personalities and quirks. Skylar had the independence of a husky and Chloe was my shadow and protector that is inbred in shepherds. I had Skylar for 16 and Chloe for 11 years. 

I now have a small mutt! named Jack. He is a breed of Terrier and even though I am a big dog person, he has captured my heart.  Here are a few things I've learned from my dogs:

• They love us unconditionally
• They will trust us until we give them reason not to
• They have a sense about people and will let us know right away if they like them or not
• They are incredibly loyal
• They will greet us with extreme excitement even if we left for two minutes
• If we yell at them, they forget about it in a minute
• They are completely dependent on us

I decided to study wolves today. 4 things we can learn from them:

1. Teamwork:  there is always a boss, steady hunters, caretakers and scouts. Everyone has a role to play. Sometimes the leader will step back and another from the pack will step up to lead in their area of ability. They also embrace new members to their pack.
2. Play:  they will take time to play as a part of their daily routine. It energizes them, stimulates creativity and collegiality.
3. Loyalty:  they are loyal to their pack.
4. Communication:  they had many types of communication. They bark to warn, whimper to show submission, growl to warn of danger or show dominance, and howl to keep the pack together or to locate others from a distance.

I think of a couple of my "packs"; a circle of friends and my work pack. Each pack has a main leader, while others step up at different times. Each has caretakers. Each person has a role, gifts and strengths they bring to the pack. In times of their weaknesses, others step in to support. Each pack likes to have fun and "play"; laughter, celebrating milestones of each other, or just hang out. My packs are loyal. Each pack communicates in different ways; impromptu "meetings", emails, texts, Face Time, pack meetings, or times of prayer together. In some ways we are dependent on each other at times. Sometimes we communicate as packs and other times as individuals within the pack. My work pack is changing some and we will add a new pack member, while losing another. I am sure this will change the dynamics some, however, like a wolf pack, we will embrace the new member and what they bring to the pack.

Think of your packs......and how you can use some of the above characteristics to work better together, relate better, love better, encourage better and grow better within your packs.

I love my packs.

Jack

 Heidi

 Chloe

Skylar

"For the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack" - Rudyard Kipling

Little Seed & Little Fox

Leave it to a silly children's book to speak to me and make me cry. Leave it to one of my friends to pick this book to read to her kids before bedtime, while in the back of her mind, picking it for me. I have taken a mental health week to sort through all that has and is happening to me these past 2 years. In this week I have met for extended periods of time with a trusted counselor, spent hours alone reading, thinking and praying in the quiet country; spent some time with some sweet friends, and hanging out some with two of the sweetest kids I know. That in itself has been good for my soul.

Back to the book ..... I had the honor to babysit the kids of my friends so that they could go on a date. I think it's the most I have smiled in one clump of time all year. Ohhhhh the conversations with a 3 & 6 year old! Ohhhh the adventures of bedtime rituals and silliness because they were tired. : )

I had two books to read to them that their mom picked out. So, we got their PJ's on, snacks ready to eat, blankets, and went to the couch to read.

Little seed was a literal seed in a packet of seeds who was comfortable in there with all his seed friends. Little fox was a literal fox who was scared of the outside, the wind, and dark shadows. He made his way into the barn where Little seed was. Little seed fell out of the packet and became friends with Little fox. Fast forward some and the farmer found Little seed and said he had a plan for him, and assured him that "it would be ok". He took Little seed and planted him in the ground. He was sad, dirty and lonely. Little fox was sad too, looking all over for little seed. He finally found him and stayed with him during his "growing" months. The farmer kept watch, watering and cultivating the dirt and assuring them both, that it would, "be ok".

After some time went by Little seed began to sprout, fighting his way out of the dirt and turning into a beautiful tree. Little fox and Little seed were together again, weathering rain, wind, dark shadows and enjoying good times together again - always being reminded by the farmer, that "It Will Be OK".

There is more to the story and that is just my brief summary which leaves a lot out. But here are my takeaways:

1.  We all, like Little Seed, like our safe places. We don't like change.
2.  Like Little Fox, we are scared at times of the wind of life, the dark shadows of life.
3.  We find good friends along the way to walk through life with. Some are temporary and some are lifelong. I have both and am so thankful for them.
4.  Our farmer, God, is always watching and looking out for us.
5.  God has a plan for me, just like the farmer did for Little Seed.
6.  God knows the outcome, which is why He can say, "it will be OK".
7. Little Seed had to trust the farmer - I have to trust God.
8.  Sometimes it takes the dark and us getting dirty in order for the "pretty" outcome.
9.  Little Fox waited for Little Seed through his lonely, cold, growing, dirty time, and was there when he "sprouted".
10. I have a few friends who are waiting, with and for me, for me to emerge from the dark, dirty experience and we will all see the beautiful outcome God has in mind, that will ultimately bring Him Glory.

I am sure there are a lot more takeaways. But this is what I came up with for now. Does this mean I am "all good" and over everything? No ... not at all. Let's be honest....grieving a lost dream, and a broken heart takes time; pulling ourselves out of a funk, takes time. Figuring out a new normal is taking time. Being so far from family and some of my closest friends is hard, and quite frankly, I hate it. However.....

1. This is where God has me for right now.
2. When/if it's time to move closer, He will let me know.
3. In the meantime, I have to live in the now.

God is watching over, watering, cultivating me and saying, "It Will Be OK".  Is it a dark and lonely place at times? ABSOLUTELY! But I have some Little Foxes waiting with and for me.

So ..... to my friend who picked that book for me to read to her kids before bed?  I owe you one : )

Vengeance is mine, says The Lord

I want to be a Jedi right now. I want revenge, and I want it badly. If we are all honest, there have been times where we have all thought about getting revenge for something. I remember as a kid, I was terrified of big spiders. (I had a bad childhood experience where I ate one - story for another time). In the 5th grade my classmates found out about this fear, so they mercilessly mocked me and traumatized me further by putting pictures of big harry spiders in y locker, desk, books and lunch bags. I hated them for that! Boy did I want revenge.

At that age, the only thing I knew to do, was beat their cans in any game we played outside - card tossing, racing, king of the mountain, you name it; or by turning them in for spiking the juice at our 6th grade party. Yes, they did ..... and yes, I did.

My forms of inventive and painful ideas for revenge our much bigger today. I want revenge for the hurt my friends have experienced a few years ago. For the lies told to, and about them, the innuendos, the poor, ungodly treatment they endured, all in the name of Jesus. I want revenge for the abused in our churches, where in the name of protecting Jesus and their reputations, some churches ignore, cover up and in some cases outright do not believe and therefore call those accusing, liars. I want revenge for my own experiences, especially this past year and a half. I want everyone to know the truth.

Here's what I think I know about God. If I take revenge, then God won't, or won't need to. His justice will be much better than anything I could do. To be honest, that isn't very satisfying right now, humanly speaking. But, if we believe that God's Word is true and all of His promises are true, then "vengeance is mine, says the Lord". He WILL do it. So whether that is here on earth or when they (we) face Jesus face-to-face, vengeance will be had. Just as sobering is anything I will have to answer for as well.

If you really think about that, what could be better revenge than having them face Jesus and give account for what they did? So I guess I'll let Jesus handle this.

What Then.....

Today is a day of a myriad of emotions. I went to see my dad for the first time in his new place of residence, being cared for by others. I wanted to throw up after I left. Of course he didn't greet us or know who we were. You could tell he understood that he should know my brother and called him his godly friend.

They seem like good people there and are taking good care of him. After almost 4 years of being cared for by my brother and his family, this was the next step in caring for our dad. In a lot of ways it has lifted a burden and yet when you say goodbye and leave him there, you don't feel very good about it.

As we left, our conversation went something like this...

Every life has value. Every life has a purpose. But what then ...... when all there is left, is sleeping, eating, sitting watching TV and not having any conversation, not knowing even your family and not having any memories of your life. What then?

Dad spent his entire life investing in others. He knew and remembered everybody it seemed. He could tell you where you were in the highway based on the mile marker. That's insane. He could tell you every detail of meeting, and eventually, marrying my mom. Now he can't tell you what he had for lunch, or whether he ate at all.

It makes you think of life, and what is important. But it also makes you question a Sovereign God. Don't judge me....we all do it. Is this all there is at the end? Some clothes, a room, no memories, no purpose when you wake up in the morning. Then just let him die and go see Jesus and mom. Why let him sit like this....how long do we have to watch this? Why couldn't you have let mom and dad live out their remaining years enjoying their grandchildren? Do what they loved to do...travel, missions...watch the kids play sports.

We don't know how to define how life has value in a case like this. Other than to say that it is sanctifying us as a family. Showing our kids (my nephews and niece) what it is like to make sacrifices in order to take care of our aging parents. Putting other things on hold during these years. Making the trip multiple times a week to spend an hour with a parent who won't know whether you are there or not. Why? Because it matters.

Hard things that our finite minds can't understand, so our only good option is to trust in the One who gives us life and who will one day return and all these questions will be answered. Or we just won't care anymore .......

On another note - I met a lady named Carol today, who seems to "like" my dad. They were sitting on a love seat together with her arm intertwined in his and leaning into each other. Now I know they both aren't aware of anything. And quite frankly, my dad is has no clue about her. But I didn't like it. Thankfully Chad (a worker) made her get up so we could sit next to him.

Really?  😐

When your desires turn to disasters

What happens when your desires turn into a disaster? Do you remember as a kid having a list of things you wanted or desired to happen in your life? I had quite a few. I wanted to be the best basketball player in college, start as a freshman, be an All-American (sounds pretty vain now - lol), win a National title, get married, have kids, teach, coach, retire young and live my days out on the water in a log cabin. And by log cabin, I don't mean rustic either. Some came true, some didn't; some turned into a disaster.

History is one of my favorite things ever to read about, watch, and learn about. One of my favorite stories in History is about the Titanic. Why? Because of all the "one little things" that could have made a difference between the boat sinking or not. If they would have spent a little more money on the rivets, maybe they wouldn't have blown out. If they had stopped and hit the iceburg head on, instead of turning away from it. If they would have gone a little slower. If they would have listened to the ice warnings. If one man would have not desired to "win the speed" battle. If they would have had a few more lifeboats. There are a lot of "ifs", and of course, "hindsight is 20/20".

It was the biggest, fanciest, and quite possibly the fastest cruise ship to date. They were making good time crossing the Atlantic to dock into New York, but Bruce Ismay wanted to beat the fastest time and urged Captain Smith to go a little bit faster. One man's desire turned into a disaster.

 I grew up with mindset that if I just obeyed God and applied Prov. 3:5-6, that all of those dreams and desires would come to fruition. Of course, that thinking isn't correct and led me down a difficult path for quite awhile. Thankfully, over time, I began to understand who God really is and what a true relationship with Him looks like. Desires and dreams aren't bad. Ultimately, however, it is God who decides what we need to become more like Him and to bring Glory to Him. Because that is what it's about:  becoming more like Jesus - sanctification

But what about when you are given a desire of your heart and it blows up? It turns into a disaster before you've had time to blink. Hindsight is 20/20 and honestly it can be a torture to someone like me who maybe thinks a little too much. What if ..... what if I had asked more questions, what if there was more counseling, what if I had done this different, or that better .... you name it and fill in your own "what ifs".  None of those questions, after the fact, are really helpful. That doesn't mean we don't learn from circumstances, but we can't "live there", in the what ifs. I'm stuck in the what ifs and working my way out.

Sometimes we are the recipients of unfair circumstances. What do we do when we find ourselves in one of those? Joseph didn't deserve to be sold by his brothers, or to be wrongfully accused and thrown into jail. Job didn't deserve to have his entire family and possessions taken from him. Paul and Silas didn't deserve to be beaten, dragged, lied about and thrown into jail. What did they do?

Joseph stayed faithful and praised Jesus.
Job praised Jesus.
Paul and Silas praised and worshiped Jesus.

When faced with unfair or painful circumstances the only way to adjust was to take their eyes off of their circumstances and onto Jesus. Change one's perspective. Worship your way out of those circumstances. We have NO control over circumstances, but we do have control over how we respond. This, of course, is nothing new and I am writing to the choir. But I need the reminder right now, and so I write as a member of the choir.

Step back and remember that there is a God in Heaven, who died for us and gave us His Grace when we didn't deserve it, that He has us in His hands and will get us/me where He wants me when He wants me there. ( I stole this )  Worshiping in the painful moments gives God the chance to change me - set me free from disappointment and pain.

God may give us the desires of our hearts, but without Him in all the "little things", the desire and dream may turn into a disaster. When it does,

Step Back
Worship
Get perspective

I am reminded, by a friend, to keep doing out of obedience, the little things:  read God's Word, listen to good worship music, pray,  keep talking to friends who are walking with me - at some point, the heart will follow the head. Those things will take root and God will heal.

EPILOGUE:  While worshiping and singing, God broke Paul and Silas's chains, leading to them leading the jailer and his family to Jesus; this family becoming part of the first church written about in Philippians. Joseph was used to save an entire nation from famine. Job was given double of what he lost, god blessed him and he lived a long life.

The jailer brought pain into their lives and they brought grace into his.   (yeah, to be honest, I'm not there yet, but hope to be. Why? Because God gave me Grace - the most undeserving - and I am to extend that grace)

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

 Anybody remember this movie from the late 60's? Clint Eastwood and friends are searching for stolen gold during the American Civil War. Lots of shooting and everything else that is in a good western.

 If only life were like a good movie, a Hallmark if you will. But it isn't. I am in no way comparing life to this movie. I am just stealing the words: the good, the bad and the ugly. THAT is real life. There's good stuff, not so good stuff, and then downright crappy stuff.

I have written a lot about the good and bad, and how to have a proper outlook and perspective...or what I've learned or am learning through them. However, I've never really written about the ugly. Why? Who knows....maybe I don't want to be that transparent; maybe I don't want platitudes; and maybe people will think I want attention ( I don't ). But I'm a blogger .... so I blog.

Here's the ugly.  Life sucks right now. Trying to pick up the pieces of broken promises, a broken heart that says no one will ever hurt me again, ever; of a very weary soul. Actually, I'm not sure I'm really trying to pick them up right now. They are just laying there. Watching as our family makes the ultimate decision to have others care for our dad, who has absolutely no memory of us anymore. I feel like the Psalmist who cries out to God and asks where He is and asks him to hear his voice.  Why does He seem silent? Why can I read verses and not even comprehend what I'm reading? Why does He seem to be answering all my friend's requests and not mine? Why can I barely pray? Not because I don't want to, but because I don't know what to say or ask for anymore. Just going through the motions has me weary and slightly freaking out.

I've heard life comes down to choices. We choose to love, choose to forgive, choose to hold a grudge, choose to hate, choose joy .... you name it. Not based on feelings. Well, there ARE feelings involved; true, raw feelings. So what do we do?  Invest in others, read our Bibles anyway, go to Church anyway; listen to good music; remind ourselves of God's truths. What if that isn't working, then what? I don't know. Maybe that will be another blog. For now I am reminded of the song: "Eye of the Storm";

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm
Mmm, when my hopes and dreams are far from me, and I'm runnin' out of faith
I see the future I picture slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus' name

In the eye of the storm (yeah, yeah)
You remain in control (yes you do, Lord)
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me (Your love surrounds me)
In the eye of the storm (in the eye of the storm)

Right now they are just words, yet they are Truth.

So, maybe not the feel - good post or funny posts I am usually known for. However, an honest one. Life isn't always funny and there aren't always "happy" endings. I can't wait until there is - when Jesus returns.

Did they ever find the gold at the end of the movie?  I have no idea!

Apartment Living

So I made a list tonight ... I have moved and lived in 17 different places over the years. I have rented 15 of them and I've owned one home. This is my first apartment .... and it looks nothing like the above picture. I live in a building with 4 apartments, on the top floor.

I'm not going to lie ... I miss my house. I miss the landscaping! I miss cutting my grass (I think!) I miss playing my music as loud as I want to and not worrying about others being able to hear it. I miss OWNING my own home. I miss deciding to paint a wall and not having to ask permission. I miss paying a mortgage, knowing my check was going back into my home, instead of flushing it ... Yes, I have been feeling sorry for myself some. 

Here is what I DON'T miss about owning my home ... having to replace a sump pump - twice; shoveling my own sidewalk and stairs when it snows. I don't miss being responsible for anything that broke. I don't miss having to replace an entire sidewalk! I don't miss people parking on my grass!

Here is what Jack has taught me in the different places I have lived or stayed temporarily these past two years ... it doesn't matter where you actually LIVE. All he cared about was whether I was with him. It took him a couple of days to adjust each time, but then it was as if he had been there forever. He didn't care, as long as I was there. Now I don't have a human like Jack does, but I do have a lot.

I have ... a place to live. I like it a lot. It was was renovated so everything inside is brand new. I have a family. I have friends here. I have a good job. I work with great people. I have a great support system and friends at a distance. I have someone else that will cut the grass, fix stuff that breaks and shovel the driveway. 

See, Jack doesn't care where he lives because he isn't attached to a place. He is attached to a person ... me. I am trying not to care either ... why?  because a lot of people don't have what I have. But mostly because I am attached to Jesus, so wherever I go, He goes. It might take me time too adjust ( longer than jack! ), but Jesus is there with me, so it's going to be OK.

Oh, and I have a BATHTUB again!

March and other Madness

If we wonder why it's called "March Madness", you only had to watch Villanova and Wisconsin play today. In fact, there are 20 seconds left and a tied game! It's madness. In fact, Nova just lost and I had them going to the Final Game! Bracket buster ....

Other then the NFL season, March Madness, for me, is the next best athletic season ever! Bracket busters, Cinderella stories, first time teams (Northwestern), feel-good stories, last second shots that go in, and last second shots that don't, family brackets and trash talking, work brackets and pools. Technology has made this time of the year even more fun with apps, immediate notifications, and of course, the ability to watch a game on your phone while you are in a meeting. You know we have all done it, so don't judge!

This is one of those times when that old coach's saying of, "any team can win on any given night", actually comes true. It's also a time where we actually see grown men cry and women screaming at the TV.  My Cindarella story? Northwestern. I didn't pick them to get past the round of 32, but I would love it if they did. 

In other madness ..... if you didn't hear by now, we set a snow record here in Clarks Summit this week. We had over 30 plus inches of snow. All of it pretty much in a 24 hour period of time. Not gonna lie, I enjoyed the 3 days off from school that it afforded us. My nephew was at my house and since we got snowed in, we played Wii games! In fact, I was so sore after the first night that I had to "rest up"! LOL  Clarks Summit had a travel ban for two days. Not that anyone wanted to go out. It was madness. My one attempt out landed me in a ditch. Good thing some nice guys pulled me out with a chain and pick up truck.

In other news ..... the Lord continues to build my trust and faith in Him. I joke a lot recently about not wanting to "adult" anymore. In reality, sometimes that is true. However, in what seems like a long season of disappointments and hurt, God continues to meet me where I am, provide for me in some crazy ways, and shows me glimpses of light.

My favorite march madness, Charles Barkley commercial......."Snakes on a Plane".

http://www.adweek.com/brand-marketing/samuel-l-jackson-charles-barkley-and-spike-lee-eat-steaks-on-a-plane-for-capital-one/

Lessons Learned and Still Learning

Here are some lessons I've learned over the years:

• I am horrible at directions! 
• When cooking: LOW and SLOW .... low and slow
• You CAN talk yourself out of a speeding ticket - just sayin.
• You don't HAVE to separate your laundry.
• You can go at least a few miles over what your car says when it says you have 0 left.
• Hearing a dog start the process of vomiting will get you out of bed quicker than anything!
• Dog's vomit is disgusting!
• I have NO rhythm .... none .... at all, but wish I did.
• Having a niece and nephews is the BEST THING EVER!
• I LOVE the beach - not sure that is a lesson, but ... 
• Small dogs take up a LOT of room on a bed.
• I have a problem with all things, "as seen on tv".
• I can "sing all 4 parts".

But I digress....I am sure there are a lot more and these are just the fun ones. The not so fun ones have lasting effects that have been life-changing. It also seems that the hard ones have to be re-taught and re-learned, or reminded of, regularly - at least for me.

Here are two that I am relearning this week.

1. I may not have any of the "big" addictions - drugs, sex or alcohol. But I have some, one in particular that I use when faced with tough times. Shopping 

As posted above, I love "As Seen On TV" stuff! I love gadgets! So some of my buying is a legit love for gadgets, etc. But in all honesty, when I am struggling I buy things. Why? Because new things make me happy. Because it puts me in control. Because it makes me feel good for awhile and I can forget the crap going on in life.

But as always, new things become old and then I have to buy again to get the same affect. Which is where my addiction comes in to play. I know this. So my goal this month is to buy NOTHING that I don't absolutely need.

2. The other thing that I was reminded of this week, is that I am a person who suffers some from anxiety. In the past 10-12 years I have worked on this with friends and Jesus and am a lot better with dealing with things that make me anxious. But it tough times it tends to rear its ugly head.

It reared it's head this week, I became anxious and reverted back to worrying, etc. The next day I read an article a friend posted on FB about loving people with anxiety and steps you can take, basically being friends with people with anxiety, etc. Then this thought hit me.....

     I have a responsibility to help myself. It does not fall on my friends, family, etc. to do all the work and "steps". 

By help myself, I mean relying on the Holy Spirit to speak truth to my spirit, to count to 10 and say, "Jesus help me", to reading scripture and sometimes, to just tell myself to STOP IT. Not easy, takes work and is hard. But worth it. Worth it for me, worth it for my friends and family, and worth it for my relationship with God.

I do, however, have a lot of nice shoes and sneakers! : )